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D-Day #2 I knew it....I did

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Elphaba posted 8/6/2013 09:31 AM

Hey all-
So, my first D-day was June 23rd 2013. My second was August 5th 2013.
I spent the better part of yesterday reading here, and researching about cheating. I had yet to get the "truth" from my BF (Not married, no kids).
"Nothing happened, I swear!" "It goes against everything I was brought up to believe"
So- I used my expert bullshit tactics- sat him down and told him we were going to play a "game".
I told him he was to give me every single password he had- and he was to be transparent from here on out, because, being the researcher that I am (it's what I do for a living) I had found out pretty much everything.
We did go onto all of his emails (sparkly clean) Craigslist (Older personals posts from 2 years ago) then I broke it down for him. Told him- you have one more chance to come clean...he denied it again.
So- I gave him the double guns: "I have her Email address, so if I were to email her right now and ask her that on the date of June 20th 2013, at 1:30 pm, which by the way coincides with the text message thread we had going that same day and from 1:30-3:00 suddenly I don't hear from you, and ask her if she saw you during that time...she would back that up?"
He looked at me...and finally said "I went..."
I'm almost relieved to have the truth...but spent the evening in a fog, crying. My heart has never been so completely shattered.
Now- to be continued...

1Faith posted 8/6/2013 09:56 AM

I am so sorry but I am proud of you for following your instincts. You KNEW and that says a lot.

I know you are hurting and I am truly sorry.

Look at the character of your BF. His true character. Is this the type of person you want to be with?

Not at all to minimize what you are going through or your hurt but many of us here originally stayed because of marriage and many of us because of children (that was my main reason at first).

Trust is going to be really hard and had I not be married with children I believe it would not have been worth the pain and suffering of the road to reconciliation. That is just me and I am not proud to type that but I am being honest.

Will you always worry and wonder? Will you never truly believe him?

Life is too short to be miserable and worried all the time. You shouldn't have to play detective to get honesty out of your BF.

You sound like a strong, intelligent woman. You deserve to be treated with honesty and respect.

Wishing you a better day. Stay strong. Be proud of standing up for yourself.

(((many hugs)))

RippedSoul posted 8/6/2013 10:26 AM


Unfortunately, I have to agree with 1Faith. Many of us here at SI, like me, have the option to leave our betrayers. We stay, though, for many reasons--primarily marriage vows (important to us even if not to them) and children.

I love my WH desperately and unconditionally. That said, the only reason I'm still with him after finding out about his affair is because of our 22 years together and our 4 children. If I were unencumbered by those realities, I'd be gone--especially after reading what I've read on SI.

If your boyfriend, IMO, can't be faithful to you without the pressures of children and marriage, he won't be faithful to you later. Many of us found out "too late" so to speak. You've been given a gift to know now, before you've legally committed, before you've created new life together, what your loved one's character truly is.

I believe in forgiveness, I believe in repentance, I believe in change. I'm proof of that. Perhaps this could be a time for you to explore what drew you to someone who could be unfaithful, what you did that contributed to the breakdown of your relationship (not the affair--that was his choice), and what you will do to make your next relationship more healthy.

And, yes, I think you should break this one off and look for the next. Your, in my mind, soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend can use this experience as something that will change him for the better and prepare him to show his next significant other more fidelity. That's what life is all about--using challenges and struggles to become stronger and deeper as individuals.

Regardless of what you decide--to stay or go--we'll all support you and help you. The pain of betrayal stings and scars everyone in a somewhat similar fashion. We are all wishing this not-so-exclusive club didn't drag us--kicking and screaming--into it. Wouldn't it be nice to find out it was all a huge mistake and our membership cards could be rescinded?


Jospehine85 posted 8/6/2013 10:39 AM


I am with the others. If I didn't have 29 years of history, 4 kids and a tangled financial web to unwind, I would have been out the door 5 minutes after I discovered my WH's A.

I am 15 months past DDay and DESPITE having a 29 year history with my WH I have to talk myself in to staying every day.

If this is a new relationship, I would recommend running. See it as a learning experience. Know that you can recognize the red flags. Know that you have the communication skills necessary to discuss difficult life situations. Know what you WILL NOT tolerate in a relationship.

Take that knowledge and move on to someone who does not need the external validation that this WBF requires.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 10:40 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

TrustGone posted 8/6/2013 13:34 PM

I agree with what the others have said. He is a BF, not a husband that you have children with. I stayed in my first marriage for over 20yrs because of the kids and thinking he would change,he would for a lttle while, then it was right back to his cheating and lying. I was 40 yrs old before I finally said enough and filed for D. I thought with WH#2 I had found someone totally different, but I just jumped from the frying pan into the oven. I am now 50 and have spent the best years of my life trying to fix marriages that are not fixable. I implore you to get out of this relationship. He will only bring you more hurt and ruin what chances you may have at a good relationship with someone that values you as a person. Do not waste your life on someone that cheats on you. I wished that I could have it to do over again, but I don't. I know you probably love him, but love is not enough to keep a relationship going long term. You must look at this situation for what it is. You must look at what he is and if he is someone that you can trust with your heart and soul. I know it is hard, but ending it now is what is the logical thing to do. Do not waste anymore of your life on this man. He is broken and you can't fix him. (((HUGS)))

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