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Nicnac posted 8/6/2013 10:04 AM

WH and I were intimate last night for the first time since Dday. Talk about HB! But I couldn't help the entire time I kept thinking "did she do this for him", "did he do that with her", "did she teach him this". It makes it really hard to "finish" IYKWIM.

Afterwards he kept asking me if I was ok. And honestly I'm not sure. I kind of just feel nothing. It was good, really good, but I just couldn't get my head in the right place. And now I'm not sure what I feel. I feel numb. and I kind of feel like some of the stuff he was doing to show his remorse has stopped, maybe because I started doing stuff again, like cooking dinner and I let him come back to bed. Maybe I'm just relapsing. He was telling me he didn't deserve to sleep next to me or eat my dinners. We talked about the A and our emotions. Now it seems like he doesn't want to mention it anymore. Last night he asked me if he had done something wrong (about our romp in bed) and I told him, "well, yeah, but not tonight" and he let out that I'm-never-living-this-down sigh and left the room.

tushnurse posted 8/6/2013 10:36 AM

UGH!!! It's hard enough to try to be intimate again, and then to not be understanding after that you are struggling.... Makes me mad for you.

I can remember the statements like "I'm never going to live this down" "What do I need to do so you can get over it" "Youre never going to trust me again"... BLAH BLAH BLAHde flippin BLAH!!!

He needs to understand that you are crushed, and destroyed by his actions, and that it's going to take more than (didn't you just sya it was like 10 days?) a few weeks, month or year for you to heal from this.

I've read through your other posts, and it seems that he was caught, and is doing what he can to save his marriage without really owning what he has done. There is a big difference between being guilty, and being remorseful.
The fact that the first time you were intimate with him after Dday, and he feeds you the "youre never going to let this go" crap is very telling. He's guilty, not remorseful. Remorse would look like, "I am so sorry I've hurt you so badly, I was wrong, and I never want to cause you pain like this again" Followed up with holding you, and making you feel safe. See the difference?

It may be time for you to really stop and think about what you are willing to tolerate, and what your dealbreakers are. Have you verified that they are no longer in contact? I mean, with your own eyes and ears? Put a VAR in his car, snoop around for a second cell phone, usually hidden in their car, or someplace inside that you wouldn't think to look.

Don't worry about the physical acts that they did together, and wether you were better or not. Of course you are better, you have a real emotional connection to this man, and besides for most people in A's it's not about the sex, it's about the way the AP makes them feel.

((((and strength))))

Nicnac posted 8/6/2013 10:53 AM

I do believe that he is remorseful, not just guilty. He tells me he is sorry, that he doesn't know how he could have done this. He never tries to lay any of the blame on me. He tells me he doesn't deserve me and the things I do for him. He didn't say "I'm never going to live this down" I just kind I read that from his face. He's afraid that we're going to work through this and then I'll pull this out one day and use it against him.

He feels like he should be punished. I just want to feel like he wants me more than he wanted her. It has only been a week.

I am sure there is no more contact. His AP was caught and she spilled the beans to me. I believe her H has demanded NC as well. I have made my hard limits very clear as well as the consequences. He understands and tells me he doesn't want to lose me.

But did anyone else find that WH's remorse started to wane when they started to show love again?

PolyGal posted 8/6/2013 11:43 AM

He might not realize that you're going through a process. He might think that by being nice to him that it means that you're over it and he's free and clear. Obviously this isn't correct. Are you guys in counseling? Maybe tell him that taking steps to reallow intimacy is going to be part of the healing process for you, but only part of the process and that the process is going to take a while? Also, try to find out what will help *you* when this sort of thing happens. Are you okay with him doing his little whiny sigh? Or instead of the the whole never live it down bullshit, maybe he should be reassuring you instead, or just holding you through it if there isn't anything that can be said.

He doesn't just get to take a spanking and then forget about it and think all is well. He may be remorseful but he isn't respecting the gravity of his actions yet.

Nicnac posted 8/6/2013 12:29 PM

He starts IC tonight. We will hopefully find out ten if the counselor will take us on for MC. I just started looking into IC for myself. I can't make sense of my emotions and sometimes just don't feel them at all. I am just unsure if my insurance will cover it. But I am looking into it.

There are some great articles on here I want to point out to him to help him understand what I am going through and how he can help.

Nicnac posted 8/6/2013 20:32 PM

So they offered MC but the counselor is on vacation for the next week and we are on vacay the week after that. We won't be able to start for at least 2 weeks. Should I just find someone else and pay the fee? How hard is it to change from on MC to a new one if we decide in 2 weeks that it is better to use the free counseling services?

Btw- not much happened today. Just basic assessment. The IC have my H a lot of info and said they'd start getting more in depth next week. He did say he could tell just by being around him that he had a lot of issues...not sure how I would take that if it had been me...

tushnurse posted 8/7/2013 07:23 AM

I would stick with the one they are providing. 2 weeks seems like forever for you, but in reality it's not long at all. In addition he probably needs the week or two to really realize what he has done.
Going to IC is much more important for him,so he can realize what he has done, and figure out the why's. Often we jump at the chance to see MC, and learning how to communicate with each other is important.

In reality this whole mess is more about him, and his brokenness. He has to fix that or R is just a bandaid.

((((and strength))))

Nicnac posted 8/7/2013 07:29 AM

Maybe instead of finding a MC to fill the weeks, I will find myself an IC. Then we can go into MC with insight into ourselves, what we think of the A and our feelings toward it and each other.

Yesterday I was just down, sad and depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to curl up in bed and be alone. My H noticed it and kept asking me if I was ok. I just told him I was feeling down. I think he was confused because we had had such a good weekend. I explained that I'm going to go back and forth. He kind of got it.

I don't know if this is even a low part if the coaster. I feel nothing. I don't think I'm dealing with this. I feel like I'm just going through my day on autopilot.