"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

lucy17 posted 8/6/2013 10:13 AM

I started reading the R forum first because that is where I thought I was. After reading about all of the ups and downs years and years out I had a reality check and realized that at 30 days post D-day I need to be in JFO to start. Up until a month ago I would have described myself as indescribably happily married--best friends for 16 years, married for 13 years. Now I do not feel married. I do not wear my wedding ring and have a hard time referring to WS as "my husband." For the last 3 weeks, he has been doing and saying everything right, which helps. The first week was terrible. He told me because OW's husband found out. He told me by saying how amazing she is and if only he had met her sooner or if only they lived in a different country (he would be introducing her to his wife). He told me by saying if she ever needed anything to call him and he will be there. He told me she had an amazing body. That sucked. I didn't leave and I didn't kick him out. I threw my wedding ring. I looked for jobs in other states online. The next day was misery. I wasn't sure if he was leaving me for this "amazing woman" or if he was asking for forgiveness. I don't know if he knew either which makes it hard to stomach. At the end of the day I told him to go to her and figure his shit out before I even contemplated my next move. He said he ended it. We saw a MC 2 days after D-day which helped so much. MC pointed out that I was taking responsibility instead of WS. WS contacted OW two other times that week (once to work out an agreement of No Contact and once because she texted him saying "Breaking the rules-I just wanted to say goodbye." He texted back "F the rules. I reject that." And then called her to tell him his 'epiphany' that he didn't love her. Her response was "that answers a lot of questions.") It is a small town with lots of connections so we both have seen her, but to my knowledge there has been no further contact. We do MC once a week, date night once a week, and stay up late talking. But we're not even close to being through this are we?

Jospehine85 posted 8/6/2013 10:21 AM

No lucy17 you are not even close to being through this.

Right now you don't and shouldn't trust your WH at all.

Both of you need to go in and be tested for STDs.

You should access to all of your WH's passwords and his telephone.

Your WH is going to have to start doing a LOT of work to rebuild trust.

You are going to struggle for MONTHS with what he said to you on Dday. Those words will haunt your brain.

Does your WH see the A for the fantasy based relationship that it was yet?

TxsT posted 8/6/2013 10:28 AM

Lucy...unfortunately no you are not. BUT, you have moved forward. Keep listening to your heart and gut. Keep watching and listening to your husband. As you move through this process there will be highs and lows. At first the lows are more frequent and hard to handle. The highs will be like this shining super nova star that you get to glimpse once in a while.

Slowly as you come out of the initial fog, and if hubby is still doing EVERYTHING you need him to do, say, feel, etc The highs will gain strength and frequency. If hubby doesn't follow through, or you find you can't forgive, forget, or you both come to realize that you would be better apart, or together...your direction will change.

Everybody's path is different and so is everyone's stories. Do what feels the best for you.

T

ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 11:58 AM

Lucy,

Everybody's path is different and so is everyone's stories. Do what feels the best for you.

These are wise words from a wise woman. TxsT has been there for me and I can only urge you pay attention to what she says. While based on the collective experience here 3 weeks past DDay is a VERY short time, don't feel you have to stick to somebody else's timeline. What you're experiencing in some form or another is a grieving process, and that can be SO very elastic in terms of how much time you spend in each phase.

All the books and counsellors recommend strongly you wait a minimum of 3 months before you make any serious decisions about your marriage, which could be translated as "Don't divorce until you've had time to process some of the pain." You can always begin divorce proceedings then. Let some of the pain and anger clear first, to find out what it is you really want to do.

I'm 5 weeks out. It's been hell. I'm there with you.

TxsT posted 8/6/2013 12:04 PM

Arable....thank you for the compliment! It made me smile.

Lucy..the only other advise I would have to throw out now is be careful what you read on here. If the subject does not reflect your situations don't read it. There is far too many differences in situations throughout these forums and even I find that I can get confused or depressed reading some of these stories. Seek people who seem like they are in a similar situation and follow them.

T

ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 12:13 PM

I once again echo TxsT's advice.

DO NOT assume because Member X's wayward spouse "went underground" with the affair on discovery that yours did too. Each situation truly is different, although the collective experience can give you some indication of what to watch out for. That's not the same as saying that just because someone's marriage went one way that yours will too because they're similar in six different ways.

My spouse's cheating narrative is an outlier, and flies in the face of what happened to a lot of other folks here. As a result, it was really difficult for me to find anyone on SI who could empathise or offer relevant insight. Which, while understandable, was not helpful, and could've helped me destroy what remained of my marriage.

lucy17 posted 8/6/2013 13:09 PM

I am feeling very grateful that I found this site. Just the words, "I'm here from you" from someone who has been there is heartening. I thank you all for your advice. I like knowing that I'm not crazy (not reading the signs, happy one moment, crying the next, joking 2 seconds later, curled up in a ball minutes later). Or at least not alone in my craziness. That being said, I very much respect T xsT's

Everybody's path is different and so is everyone's stories. Do what feels the best for you.

I find it hard to trust myself after being completely shocked by Dday, so trusting him should be harder, yet in some ways it is not. He is being completely and sometimes painfully honest to any questions I ask and that seems to help. We are existing one moment at a time with many moments left to heal.

ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 13:49 PM

lucy17, thank you for your words of support in my pain thread. It does help.

We have pretty close DDays (mine is July 5) but mine might stretch back a little further because I KNEW there was something going on, I just squashed it with the usual, "She'd NEVER do that to me." But I had already begun grieving. The shock of discovery was bad, but not as bad as it might've been, for a number of reasons.

The fact that your spouse is openly telling you things that are hard to hear is promising. As many here will tell you, many (not all, but many) cheaters will minimize or sugar-coat their confessions, their answers to your questions. My spouse didn't minimize either. She said things that I really DID NOT want to hear, but I'm glad she said what she did. It helps with building trust.

Hang in there, yes? You and me, and all of us.