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Unrelenting Pain

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ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 10:49 AM

The pain. Won't. Stop.

It just won't. I can't stop the waves of pain. I've done focus exercises, calming, and a couple of others. I've held off on taking the percocets I have since the first couple because I don't want to become dependent, but at this rate I might have to succumb and take one. My alternative is to hide under my desk at work in a fetal position and sob my heart out. I'm just about 5 weeks out from DDay. And I feel like I'm dying. I just wish the darkness would come and then I could have peace.

tryingtosmile posted 8/6/2013 10:59 AM


I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I have been there too. I spent months in a drunken state to numb my pain. I didn't want to live at times. There were days I did lay in the fetal position and cry.
Take it a day at a time and just breathe. I have no real great advice for you except that it will get better and the pain does start to go away.I am about 2+ years out and I do laugh and smile again.Post as often as you need to. We are here for you.xoxo

Morhurt posted 8/6/2013 11:01 AM

Oh Arable,
I am so, so sorry. I know how much it hurts and I can't imagine having to be at work through it all. What about Ativan? I don't think it's addictive but it might take the edge off. The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced and when it's at it's peak it feels like it will never recede. Are you in IC?
Big hugs my fellow British Columbian. I'm hoping for some peace for you today on this sunny summer day. :(

gonnabe2016 posted 8/6/2013 11:03 AM

Have you spoken with a doctor about the possibility of some AD's or some anti-anxiety meds to 'soften' it a little?

The pain DOES stop eventually....well, I should say that it becomes less acute and excrutiating.

What about some type of physical release for when it's really bad.....a punching bag to pound on. Or go to the dollar store or a thrift shop and buy a bunch of glassware that you can throw as hard as you can so that it shatters.

Just hang in there......

confused615 posted 8/6/2013 11:07 AM

AS..I remember that pain. It was horrific. I couldn't stop shaking..I told my WH it was the pain radiating out of my body. I couldn't believe a human being could feel so much pain and *not* die.

This Saturday marks my 3 year antiversary. I've only cried twice in the last week..progress! Most days..Im happy...yes..happy. I have learned to find enjoyment in things other than my husband..who continues to love me and "try."

You WILL be ok. You really will. I know that doesn't help you. I know. But keep your chin up. It does get better.


doggiemom12 posted 8/6/2013 11:15 AM

It sounds like you might be having some real clinical depression. Please see a doctor who can help you. There are other meds you can take besides percocet that will help you.

I think if you try and let go of the outcome it might also be helpful. There are just some things you cannot control.

ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 11:30 AM

Thank you for your words of support everyone. I just took a percocet. Should kick in within 30 minutes.

It would be so easy to take the rest. But I CAN NOT, WILL NOT, do that to my kids. The last thing my son said to me this morning was "Dad I love you more than anything."

I cried all the way to work.

RippedSoul posted 8/6/2013 11:39 AM

I agree with everyone above. Please look into IC, into some medication that will help ease the pain until you're stronger (you WILL get stronger), into some self-help measures.

You can't control whether your spouse changes, feels remorse, stays in your M, never cheats again. None of that. It's a very helpless, horrible feeling--especially at first.

Later, though, it's actually empowering. Six months after D-day, I just found out that my WH will be going on a business trip that will include the OW. There's a sharp stab of pain, but I can breathe. I'm amazed at my growth, but I realize that if he's going to fall again, it might as well be now. If he can't stand up to the temptation now, he will never be able to. I will then have a clear answer of whether we'll R or D. And, despite the niggling doubts (I'm stronger--not immune), I'm actually OK.

That may not stop your pain today (coming from someone who named herself because the A ripped. Out. My. Soul.), but it might give you some hope?

Also, for good or ill, I had to swallow a lot of that pain. In the midst of defrosting the garage freezer with one of my children, I found out my WH had been w/a prostitute the day before. I threw up, washed my mouth out, took a deep breath, and finished the job with my child none the wiser. Later that day, when my WH asked me what was wrong, I blamed my shaking hands (big time) on the fumes from the oven cleaner I was using.

After keeping the secret for about a month, I finally spilled to my IC and my BFF. For reasons related to my WH's work, I didn't feel I could tell anyone, but I got to the point where his security clearance didn't matter anymore. He made the decisions that jeopardized his job, not me. I shouldn't be the one hiding the secret. And it DID help. I hated burdening my friend, but . . . It was the best thing I ever did.

PLEASE do something for yourself. YOU matter right now (and always). YOU come first.

ArableSands posted 8/6/2013 11:45 AM

Thanks RippedSoul. I'm sorry to hear about your own pain and betrayal.

I'm in IC already, came back from my second visit yesterday. She's really good -- clicked with me right away and spoke my language. She's helping me with my pain and fear and also helping fix my control issues, which are what created the conditions that helped land my marriage in this mess.

(No, I don't at all take any responsibility for the cheating -- my wife has not budged from accepting the blame 100%. But I also have to acknowledge my part in hurting our marriage for the past 4 years.)

RippedSoul posted 8/6/2013 13:30 PM

Thanks, ArableSands. I'm happy to hear about the IC. If you click with your therapist, you're fortunate. I promise it'll get better!

lucy17 posted 8/6/2013 13:37 PM

Arable, I'm so sorry. Keep thinking about all the good you have in your life (your kids) to keep from being sucked into this black hole of despair. I'm glad you have someone else to be strong for (your son) when you just can't be strong for yourself. I'm not there today, but I was yesterday. Today I am here for you.

Healing2012 posted 8/6/2013 14:26 PM

Oh goodness...I understand that pain all too well. There were days when I felt like it would never get better. But it did. It takes time, though.

Good that you're in IC. That has helped me tremendously. I also take some medication which has helped with my anxiety and depression.

I have credited my son for keeping me alive some days. I never want him to grow up thinking his mom didn't love him enough to stick around. It sounds like you feel the same about your kids.

You will make it through this. As others have said, take it one day at a time.

damaged71 posted 8/6/2013 15:13 PM

It was quite simply the worst pain I have ever felt. It seemed to go on for an eternity. See my sigline, it says it all.

What helped me was going for a run. That seemed to clear things up. Not sure what shape you are in but it's worth a try.

This will pass. You will be better for it. I would never want to go back to who I was. I had that I had to go through what I did to get there but I am glad of what I am today.

It'll get better. Keep focusing on you.

1Faith posted 8/6/2013 15:28 PM

Dear ArableSands

We all need help navigating throught this infidelity storm. Stick with IC, it will be a lifeline.

I tried so long to do it alone and on my own. I was bound and determined to be stronger than "this" - well "this" kicked my ass and then some.

Yes, it is normal for you just want the pain to stop. We all wished we had a magic wand or pill to give you to help you speed this up.

I would spend all night awake and crying and then could not function at work. This lasted from time to time for about a year.

Talk to your doctor about antidepressants. Whatever you need to get through.

Did you check out the timeline for healing? It is a long sucky process but it will get better.

Just don't beat yourself up when you have a slip up. They happen.

Your body is in shock. Look up post tramatic stress syndrome. It applies. Your mind and heart can only process so much before it shuts down or reacts in other ways. It is a medical and chemical response to the blow your pysche has taken. It is real.

Has your wife shown remorse over the A, the marriage possibly ending, the kids?

Right now, not having any geniune good moments is very normal. It is hard to pull happiness out of the pit of despair.

But do one thing for yourself. Start each morning listing 5 things you are grateful for.

As simple as
1. Your children (blessings)
2. Your job
3. Your home
4. Your family
5. The sunshine
6. Your friends
7. God and his love
8. Your SI community

This stinks and it knocks the wind out of your sails. But I promise you that it does get better.

You deserve better.

There is no playbook on how best to handle an affair.

Lots of information but only YOU can determine YOUR path.

You are not alone. Hang in there and write often.

Many hugs

Ashland13 posted 8/6/2013 17:16 PM

I'm sorry, Arable. I still have those times, but what I found is that slowly, ever so slowly, some thought would come into my head and I would actually smile. Or realize, for just one minute, that I was thinking of something else.

The advice didn't work for me either and the platitudes got to feeling insulting.

A couple things finally started working, though the grief still sneaks up and grabs me. I hope they might help you.

There's a post or two that replied on your thread that said to remind yourself of the good things you have left and that's part of what I had to say.

I went to a far more basic place than that, a more basic level of living and it's gradually pulling me up by my boot straps again. Because, you see, the days...well, the days of our lives will continue to come. The sun will poke in the window in the morning whether we want to face it or not. Deadlines and family still need us and want us continues.

The first thing I did was to make lists, because the pain and shock brought me to where I didn't know the date or time, for a long while. So I just made lists of anything that needed me.

Then, I started with one thing a day I vowed to accomplish and I made a list of that, too. At night when I went to bed all alone for the first time in 20 years, I read those lists. Mostly the one with an accomplishment.

I told myself things, too. The most important is that I did it all myself, even if it sounds juvenile, that's the basic part. No one helped me...I'm still going. I got something done today.

Tomorrow I will do two things.

Then I will rest. I will let the grief come.

I will admit that life is changing.

There is a lot more I had to do, but eventually felt a propeller getting me up every day, or forces outside of myself, telling me that life and my child needed me. And otherwise, he would win.

The other thing I will close with, that I still do, is to try to think through the curtain of grief and think of something -anything-that was part of your life before knowing your spouse. Old friends, places you went, connect with family. Going back to my roots has helped intensely and I've remade some wonderful, strong connections.

Some people even said that they stepped far aside when I got married, because Nearly Exh was such a strong personality.

I tried the meds and can't handle the side affects and am a a single parent, so have been going through this without them. For me, at least, the constant grief and crying has abated to cloud bursts that are shorter and shorter. I'm about six months out from "the whole truth and nothing but the truth"...and still not knowing all of it.

TxsT posted 8/6/2013 18:54 PM

Arable....not sure what percoset is but try asking about Prestiq. It is brand new and I really like it. I don't get drugged out, I am just calmer and happier.


emotionalgirl posted 8/6/2013 19:07 PM

I am so sorry to hear you are I so much pain but I understand completely. I am 3 days in from D day and right now I can't eat and am on the verge of tears all the time. I too still have to go to work as I have responsibilities I can not pass off. I now have not eaten in 3 days and feel physically sick to my stomach all the time. I have taken antidepressants for years for anxiety and depression I don't know where I would be right now without them. I get great relief from venting here everyone is soooo kind. I urge you to see a dr for an antidepressant and seek IC ( my 1st appoint is tomorrow and I can't wait to vent to someone and gain some perspective) if you can not afford counselling many communities have a community clinic that will let you pay on a sliding scale. Please be carful of any of the anti anxiety medications such as Ativan (lorazepam). Oxazepam diazepam ( valium)Basically anything that ends in " Pam" they are highly addictive and I have seen some horrible cases of addiction and withdrawal from these drugs. (((( hugs )))

Thinkingtoomuch posted 8/6/2013 20:54 PM

Arable, please talk with your IC and doctor about using Percocet and ask about AD's or antianxiety meds. The Percocet is a strong pain med. and not meant for this type of "pain" (emotional).

I understand it's what you have available,but it doesn't take many times of use before your mind and body reach out for continuing this type of med. Then boom, you're in for the long haul. It can make you feel worse eventually. Getting off it can be worse also. Yes, the anxiety meds. can cause dependency, but when taken correctly they focus on calming when needed and antidepressants may be best anyway as many also help anxiety type pain.

I am so sorry for all you're going thru. I felt such "pain" too and thank God I'm beyond it now with triggers mostly gone, memories not so intrusive.

I had to depend on talking to my sister everyday long distance for many months, IC. I could not stop talking. I told IC it was crazymaking, then a year later my mother passed and 3 months later my father passed all for which I had to drive by myself 3000 miles each (6000 miles in 3 months) home, with my 18 year old deaf, blind dog that needed constant help.

There was more, but won't go into it. This is about you here.

All my best Arable. I'm thinking of you. When you come out of this tunnel you'll shine once again.

Runninggirl posted 8/6/2013 20:58 PM

Hugs. It looks by your registration date this is still brand new. I am SO sorry. Your post title caught my eye.

Lionne posted 8/6/2013 22:38 PM

My IC used a procedure called EMDR therapy. I don't know if it's appropriate in your case.

It's true that time heals. Sucks that it sometimes takes a LOT of time.

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