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phoenixrivers posted 8/6/2013 11:46 AM

Last year I attended the holiday party for the wayward's company. It's a traditional company gathering and the they do a pretty nice job. Shortly before the party, the wayward told me of her infidelity.

What she didn't say was that her maintenance man/affair partner greeted us at the door (with me not knowing who he was) and that her regional boss had escorted him to her bedroom in the supervisor's apartment after the wayward had passed out from drinking several months previously.

Yesterday the wayward called me asking me about a "holiday party survey". I triggered heavily and was terribly upset for the rest of the evening. I am still upset thinking about that evening. We had our picture taken at the party: two deer caught in the headlights.

The regional manger also insisted we go to her hotel room and drink heavily until late after the party. My wayward refused to leave and stayed well past the time I wanted out. And this was before I knew what the regional manager had done to incite the betrayals.

Needless to say I was upset about the mere notion of returning to a party where her AP will be attending and her manager will be present in a "holiday"/drunken partying mood.

I insisted there be no further attendance at a function sponsored by the the company; conferences are to be attended only with me and if that's not possible, than she must return home at the end of the day and drive back to the conference the next day.

I also set down some requirements for counseling goals, both long and short term and asked to see the counselor's treatment plan.

She was upset by the request to see the treatment plan; she has IC today so we'll see what happens.

I am feeling upset and hurt again and was doing better. I hate being triggered and am determined to do something about it. I have IC on Thursday and I think I'll have to start coming up with some strategies to deal with the triggers.

Any thoughts on any of my ramblings will be a blessing.


[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 11:48 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Rebreather posted 8/6/2013 11:51 AM

I think your boundaries are spot on. Triggering sucks, but it is just a part of all of this.

Have you considered asking her to quit that job? Continuing to work in that environment could be quite destructive to your recovery.

sisoon posted 8/6/2013 12:42 PM

Access to the treatment plan makes good sense, except that I expect that a good treatment plan is vague enough to allow exploration of all sorts of avenues. I'd ask for your W to sign a release that allows her IC to discus her goals and progress with you. (Now that I remember, that sort of release was one of my requirements for R. Note that my W's C said she'd probably arrange for a joint session if I asked any deep questions about my W's counseling, so that bot my W and I would know what was said.)

The limit on conferences sounds good, but what if the conference is out of town? Keep the boundary, by all means, but look for some way to cover the OOT of sitch.

Her regional supervisor enabled her A and insisted on your drinking in her room after the party? I'd strongly consider outing her to her boss. The downside is if that's the company culture, in which case, I'd insist your W find a new job and out her boss on her way out. The behavior you report should have the whistle blown on it, because the company is at risk here. I guess you could also look into suing the company...enabling the A sounds like sexual harassment, and demanding attendance at a social even may be illegal. Certainly, encouraging a staff member to drink alcohol may cross legal boundaries. Hard case to prove, but maybe worth looking at, especially if it's public company.

WRT the Christmas party, I think I'd demand non-attendance for the future.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:44 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

phoenixrivers posted 8/6/2013 13:08 PM

Thanks to you both, Rebreather and sisoon.


Just got a call from the wayward. Her affair partner was asked by the boss to take a drug test which he said he's likely to fail. He's been blaming the wayward for everything wrong in his life to all the people in the apt. complex she manages.

Additionally someone from the complex called the company to complain that the wayward had an affair with the maintenance man (against company policy). The regional manager allowed him to live in a controlled apartment to which he never applied and was ineligible.

Both their jobs are on the line now. AND the maintenance man has a history of harassment with his ex and seemed to imply that the wayward was next.

Thanks sisoon, for bringing up the possibilty of outing the manager (she's female by the way) to the company for sexual exploitation. The company is definitely at risk for that as well as other things that went on at the complex.

The mind movie of the wayward having been drinking heavily with the regional manager, asking to go lay down in her apt. and the regional then calling the maintenance man over and escorting him to the bedroom where the wayward was passed out, is one that haunts me. Almost like the regional acted as a pimp that night. Be a great karma for her to have to deal with that arrangement on top of everything else she's pulled.

Again, thanks to you both for responding.


StrongerOne posted 8/6/2013 15:09 PM

Wait, something's off here -- I don't know the rest of your story, so maybe my perception is off...

Was your WW already having an A with the maintenance man before the christmas party? Or did the regional boss invite the maint. man up to have at your passed-out wife? Because if it's the latter, that's rape.

In fact, even if they were already in an A, that's still probably rape, since your WW could not consent to the sex if she was passed out.

Ugh, the regional boss is one trial away from being a felon.

phoenixrivers posted 8/6/2013 15:16 PM

The way the wayward tells it, the first time with the maintenance man was well before the holiday party. She and the regional had been out drinking. They ended up in the regional manager's apt. Wayward says she's not feeling well and asks to lay down in the bedroom. Regional proceeds to call the maintenance man. He shows up and regional escorts him to the bedroom. I, and I emphasize I, presumed the wayward was passed out. However that's uncorroborated.

To clarify, the maintenance man was not at the after party and did not factor into that event, other than a sad betrayal that the wayward has just now gotten around to TT.

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