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I saw it coming and I stayed

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smc0813 posted 8/6/2013 13:49 PM

Ours is a very long story. Please bare with me. I really need help and I've decided I don't want any of our family and friends to know so that if we do survive this they won't look at him or treat him differently. And that leaves me in a bind I have no one to talk to.

Let me explain the history of the girl before I forget. They went to high school together. And he said it was love at first sight. She led him on letting him believe they had a future together. But when it came down to it she told him she could never date him. Because she needed stability for her and her daughter. He was 17 living at home, with a minimum wage part time job, and no car. So she choose her daughters father. Who eventually left them. Then she met another guy dated him and got pregnant. They got married and he adopted her daughter.

3 years ago we started "dating". I had jus gotten out of a relationship that started of as friends with benefits then turned into more. And he had jus gotten kicked out of his home. We both admitted that at first we were using each other to heal our broken hearts then planned on moving on. But we never did. We stayed together as a true couple. So I thought.

I became pregnant and we decided to move into together. Then he proposed and when our daughter was 8 months old we married. We were doin great our life was perfect. We had our cute little apartment with our daughter we both got promotions at work. This one day I started feeling him drift away. I didn't know why at first. I had no idea what was coming.

I told him on Friday night that when he got home from work I wanted to take a drive to the beach so we could talk. And he agreed to it. But when he got home he said he was too tired to go anywhere. And then an hour later he said he had to go back to work to help his trainee close. His trainee was my sisters boyfriend jr. The next morning jr was pissed because Justin never showed up. I was kind of suspicious because he left in street clothes and didn't take work clothes with him. But when jr said he never showed up I decided to confront him. He said he went to her apartment to go visit her. But nothing happened. Naive I believed him and decided to ask him to cease any and all contact with her. And he refused saying she was jus a friend like a sister and since we were having problems he needed someone to vent to.

Then a few months later, in November, he left because he said he loved someone else. That he only married me because he was hoping his love for me would be so strong that he forgot his love for her. And not even a week later he invitede over to his grandparents home where he was staying so we could talk. It was a big load of bologna. He had a candlelit dinner with roses all over the place and I told him we were not goin to have sex we were goin to talk. He said that was what he wanted. So then we talked and I decided I couldn't compete with a woman who didn't want him and didn't love him. I was there for him, loving him taking care of him. But I didn't know how to compete with her ghost. So I told him we would divorce. But then he begged me to reconsider. I told him the only way we would ever have a chance is if he cut her off completely. He agreed and moved back home. But not without a fight. he said he wouldnt pursue a relationship jus a friendship. i told him i knew that if they continued talking they would end up cheating. It took him almost 2 weeks to deleted her number and unfriend her in Facebook. We got over it and our love grew, so I thought.

Recently, the end of June, I needed a picture from his Facebook page of our daughter so when I went on my page to find him he was no longer my friend. I asked him what was up and he said I was being childish for deleting him. I didn't and I told him but he insisted. So I let it go. Then a couple weeks later I had this pain in my gut because he was growing distant and wasn't giving me any affection. I went on his friends list and there she was. I confronted him about it. He said he deleted me as a friend because he didn't want me to see that he had accepted her friends request.

On July 7 he said he was taking my daughter to target, he gave me a peck on the cheek and left. Then after 3 hours I text him. He said he had an emergency at work and took phia with him and he was about to leave. When they finally got home at 130 in the morning I asked where he took my daughter. He said his mom called and wanted to see him so he took the baby and they fell asleep. And when he realized how late it was he came home.

On July 8th he said he had a project to do that required Internet connection. So he left to his grandmothers. I fell asleep and when my alarm for work went off at 655 I looked over and he wasn't there. I text him and he said he fell asleep at his grandmothers and would be home in a few. I got in the shower and got dressed. His grandmother lives 10 minutes away, so after 20 minutes I text him. He said he was leaving the gym. Confused I just accepted it. Then 2 minutes later I received an alert saying my bank card had been used in a town an hour away. So I text him. He said in the middle of the night his mother called him and needed him to pick her up because she and her bf got in a fight and he left her there. And they spent the night in a hotel and they were barely on their way back. He didn't tell me the truth because I already didn't like his mother and he didn't want to add to that.

July 20 my mother kept the baby overnight so we stayed home had a few drinks and watched movies. Then he told me the truth. The night he took my daughter to target, she text him saying her husband wasn't home and wanted him to come over. So he did. He took my daughter to her home. And the night he didn't come home he wasn't with his mother he was with her. I cried myself to sleep and didn't let him finish. In the morning as he was getting ready for work I asked him to finish. He said after the girls fell asleep they had sex. And the next night he went back for more. I cried and yelled and threw things and hit him and laughed. I grabbed his phone and went through it and threatened to call her. I finally gave him a deadline. I told him he has until August 19th(a month) to decide if we needed a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. But I can't take it. I need help. There is so much more that's happened since I he confessed but I think this is enough for now. I love my husband I love my family. But after all this I feel like an idiot for wanting to stay.

Jrazz posted 8/6/2013 16:02 PM

Welcome to SI, smc.

It's so hard to have our hearts and minds agree on anything when it comes to this, and when there's children involved it can be even trickier.

I think you're doing well to set limits, like either getting into counseling or lawyering up by the 19th. It's really important that you follow through on that - if he's not ALL in it's just not healthy to keep spinning your wheels on this.

You say you love him, but dig deep about your feelings because oftentimes after multiple betrayals people stay because they feel stuck or dependent rather than actual feelings of affection. Even if you still have love for him - you deserve unconditional love and support in return.

He needs to let go of this woman physically, mentally, and emotionally. That means no more contact. Period. Ever.

Hopefully he opts for marriage counseling and the counselor can help drive the point home that stringing you along like this is cruel. You're nobody's #2.


1Faith posted 8/6/2013 16:19 PM

Dear SMC

I just want you to know you matter.

We all make mistakes. We all fail but with humility, love and God's grace we can make it through.

Don't put the pressure on yourself to make a decision today.

Put an x, like you have conveyed, on the calendar and say I will revisit it then but until then I will take it day by day.

You love him and that is okay. But do yourself and your daughter a favor and love yourself just as much if not more right now. YOUR healing has to come first.

Your WH has chosen to lie and cheat on you. You can't fix him because you did not break him. He has to want to change his behavior and be a better man. Only he can do that. Is he at all open to IC?

He has to understand what allowed him to cheat in the first place. These are/were conscious choices each and every time. They didn't just happen.

He also was extremely disrespectful of you and your daughter. How dare he use her in his lies. That is terrible.

It is time for him to pull up his big boy pants (literally and figuratively) and own his actions and accept the consequences.

I would not give him a month to go back and forth between you and the OW. Demand no contact now and if says he can't do that then let him go. He wants his cake and eat it too. Close your bakery. Don't be an option.

You will also want to be tested for STD's. Sad reality of infidelity.

Also consider telling the OW's husband. Nothing flushes out the fantasy of an affair faster than having the other BS know. The lies and secrecy are no longer there. Reality is on full force. If the OW is struggling to keep her own marriage together it is less likely she will have time or risk her marriage to continue the affair. True colors come out pretty quick.

You might also want to consider seeing an attorney to understand your options. Knowledge is power.

Please check out the healing library at the left hand corner and read, read, read.

You are NOT weak regardless of what you decide. To stay or to go takes amazing strength, courage and love.

One day at a time. Let logic lead the way as your heart begins to heal.

We are here for you. But if you need additional support don't be afraid to reach out to family and friends. Keeping this secret is not your responsibility. And stuffing your emotions down can cause physical and mental symptoms. Please don't try to weather this storm alone. It is too much to absorb.

Many hugs and hang in there.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:22 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Runninggirl posted 8/6/2013 21:17 PM

Please do not think you seeing this happening and staying are out of the ordinary.
It does not mean you weak, stupid or any of those things we tell ourselves.
I chose the same thing.
I recently read that when we are in a state of trauma, our brains do not function as they normally would.
Being in fight or flight situation takes away our capacity to make decisions that may seem obvious to who we normally are.
Please do not dis yourself.
You are in a state of trauma.
If having a baby at home and getting rug pulled out from under you doesn't account from trauma, nothing does. Big Hug. I am so sorry.

Lionne posted 8/6/2013 22:29 PM

The other's have given you wonderful advice. In a nutshell...

1) Tell her husband. NOW. Do NOT tell your husband you are doing this. Her betrayed husband deserves to know what kind of marriage he is in.

2) See a lawyer to understand your rights. This is just insurance for you.

3) Read up on the 180. It's in the Healing Library. Stop beating yourself up. You were being a loyal wife.

4) Get tested for STDs.

5) Stick to your boundaries. He picks YOU and dumps the OW TOTALLY or you dump him


tushnurse posted 8/7/2013 10:31 AM

Welcome smc - You are doing so much better than many of us did in those early days.

Be proud of how you are handling things. You have been given great advice already, and the only additional things I would recommend are: If you are having trouble sleeping and eating then you should contact your Dr and let them know what is going on, and ask about something to help either an antianxiety med or an antidepressant. Without good sleep and nutrition it makes it much harder for our brains to work rationally.
The other thing is that he is being allowed to have options so far. He is running with them. He wants to have both a wife and a girlfriend, and until he has some real consequences of his actions he most likely won't stop. So this is where telling the OW's husband is so very important, but please don't tell your H you are going to tell. Just do it.
Also you say you gave him until the 19th to make his choice, do you have any planned consequences should he waffle? What will you do if he says he wants to just stay friends with her? What will you do if he says he chooses you? What are your terms for R? This is the time to figure that stuff out. It will make sticking to the consequences easier for you.

(((and strength)))

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