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Struggling with NC and wanting answers

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hangingontohope7 posted 8/6/2013 15:12 PM

I'm trying to hang in there with NC (10 days solid) but the past two days have been difficult. I keep replaying the past 6 months over and over in my head. How did I miss what he was doing? Or maybe its more like I ignored what he was doing because I didn't want to believe he would cheat... again.

Now I'm wondering if his A has been going on longer than that. What if buying the house last summer was all just part of a bigger plan to eventually kick me out and move OW in with him? Sounds crazy right? But with him I just don't know anymore.

I KNOW it shouldn't matter. I have to keep moving forward. I don't want to be married to a cheater and a liar. I know deep down, somewhere underneath all the anger and disbelief, that divorce is the only option.

It just sucks!!!!!!!

I spent 5 years trying to rebuild our marriage so he could just f*ck me over again! I want to scream and yell and ask him how he could do this to me again. But I know I will never get an answer. Its better if I just keep focusing on me.

Its just....
F*CK HIM!!!!!
F*ck him for doing this to me! F*ck him for doing this to our children!
F*ck him for thinking so little of us!
Just... F*CK!!!!!

hurtbs posted 8/6/2013 15:17 PM

Big hugs

(((hanging)))

It does suck. Keep going forward. Are you in IC? A place where you can just talk and talk and talk this shit out?

hangingontohope7 posted 8/6/2013 15:27 PM

I am in IC. I don't go back for 2 weeks though. I can't afford to go very often because STBXWH screwed up our HSA. He blew all the money that was supposed to be deposited into the account on OW. And we haven't met our deductible yet so I'm paying out of pocket.

I've been trying to find a support group in the area but I haven't had much luck. Most of the meetings I've found are almost an hour away.

I can feel as this anger building up inside of me. Everything happened so fast after DDay, I never had a real chance to vent any frustrations out to STBXWH. I've just been pushed to the side and he is moving on with his new life with OW at an alarming speed. Its like I never existed.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/6/2013 15:44 PM

I think the same about the house we bought just a couple years ago.. Now she is pretty much living there.. How nice. And that house was perfect too, good neighborhood, park right behind it, bus stop right out front. I miss it.. I too feel like I never existed, or at least he wishes I didn't exist anymore. But hey, it's how I feel about the f*cker too.. FTG..

Hugs..

solus sto posted 8/6/2013 15:51 PM

It's really hard, post-separation, to really absorb that the answers will NEVER be forthcoming.

I had a couple of epic phone or text meltdowns after separation--trying to get answers that I'll never get.

Thing is, every time you break NC (and some of us are slow learners and break it a lot before we figure it out---and I'm talking about myself as much as anyone), you once again get reinforcement that this person---a person you thought was totally different---really has no investment in your best interest. He's all about HIM.

It took me a LOOOOONG time to assimilate this and really change my thinking and behavior.

It was worth the work. Because no one's lying when they say "NC= no new hurts."

hangingontohope7 posted 8/6/2013 21:10 PM

I give up for the night. NC was broken by him. I'm over this somehow being all my fault. I'm the one who is being cheated on and yet... I'm the bad guy.

I just feel so bad for my kids. They deserve so much better than this.

sparkysable posted 8/6/2013 21:49 PM

I know, I know. Believe me, I know. I am someone who wants answers, and the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I will probably never get them.

I'm 3 years past, and although not as frequent, I don't know that it entirely goes away, but it fades out, peeking it's head up some difficult nights. I think we just have to learn to live with it somehow.

It's awful.. they made a decision, tore apart our lives, and we have to deal with the fallout and the pain.

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