Smokehouse,
Dude - so so sorry that you are here and this is happening. We all feel that way because we all know the pain. Sucks worse than anything else in this world. I whole-heartedly believe that.
You have to know the whole truth. Everything. If you think she's holding out, even a little, you have to make a demand. She either gives you full disclosure or you see an attorney. Hard to do? Hell yes. But you need to for a couple of reasons:
1. You can't repair your relationship and marriage when there are half-truths and gaps. You just can't.
2. If you go on without the full truth, and find R, and THEN more comes out, where will you be? Do you really want another D-day? And then another? We all know - one is bad enough.
3. If she isn't willing to disclose all, then she isn't giving this her full effort.
4. And to be blunt - fuck her job and her humiliation. If there is retaliation at work- go legal. If she is embarrassed, she should be. If she isn't willing to endure that, will she be willing to endure the next several years of work and pain?
Trust your gut. I think you know the truth. Deal with it now.
I'm not an expert, but some things just jump out. Did you say they were physical before? I think you did - if so that takes the "likely" meter waaaaaay up.
The clothes, shopping absences, and yes, the panties, all strongly indicate a PA.
I am so sorry. The thought of my wife with another man tears me up daily. She had two one-night stands with people out of state. These people are completely out of our life and she had zero emotional attachment to them. And it still tears me up. You have to be experiencing incredible pain.
What you should be experiencing as well, though, is outrage. Lay it on the table - either she comes clean, and starts looking for another job, and ceases all contact - ALL CONTACT - with him, or it's over.
I know it's easy to say (actually, no - it sucks), but you can't have a healthy relationship in the situation you're in.
My wife is my soulmate. She is my best friend. She hurt me deeply and permenantly. I still can't imagine a life without her. But if she cheats again, that is exactly what I will have and she knows it. And she will have a life without me. That too, must be a realization for the WS.
Hang on, man. At this point, that's what you gotta do. Hang on, heal, and hopefully find peace again. Best scenario - at peace in a great marriage. Not best - at peace with yourself and your self-respect despite the loss of someone you loved and trusted.