SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Smokehouse posted 8/6/2013 16:02 PM

I found out about my ww emotional affair 07/21/13. I checked the cell phone bill and within a 13 day billing cycle there was over one thousand text messages.

Keep in mind she claims emotional only. I can account for most of her time but not all. Ww said it has been going on for 3 months.

She lied extensively for about a week saying they were only text friends. They work together and he is her superior.

I found through a search of her phone sexual text messages, but never any plans to meet out. She said it hadn't made it that far yet.

After a week I got full disclosure, I believe. She is very sorry, very remorseful, and we are r. She is doing everything I ask and need.

I just can't be sure of the no contact. I did not tell the om's wife yet. She doesn't want me to for fear of retaliation at work. She is unable to switch to a different area or job. Any suggestions?

Ashland13 posted 8/6/2013 17:27 PM

I'm sorry, Smokehouse. The pain is intense and not something we should have to go through.

What I'm learning is that asking Nearly ExH things or saying things to him about the A or other cheating is that it gets me nowhere. And, he reacts by being even more sneaky.

Money doesn't matter. He will find it to benefit the A.

My first thought is to be very quiet around your WW, if you can and maybe see what else you can find. Some people put spyware on the person's computer, too, and have the ability to find things that way.

And unfortunately, if something is still going on, it will come to light in its own time. If she knows you're paying attention, it could not only push her away more, but could push her into hiding more.

I hope that full disclosure is what you really got, for it seems like a rare thing in this universe.

I don't know if it's up to her if you tell OM's wife. It seems like she has a right to know, though. And I hope the remorse you sense is real.

The coworker part worries me for your M and the situation.

Jospehine85 posted 8/6/2013 18:37 PM

Tell the OM's BW.

That is the only way to make sure the EA stops and doesn't become a PA.

Your WW was having her EA for validation.

Right now, looking at you reminds her that she is a loser. There is going to be a strong urge for her to go back to her EA for that validation to make herself feel better.

You need to tell the BW so she can confront her WH and shut down your WW's source of external validation.

Also, it is the right thing to do. You would want to be told too.

Smokehouse posted 8/6/2013 18:57 PM

I agree the obs needs to know. I have so much more to say, but I am still reeling and can barely gather my thoughts.

Sleep comes in increments, when we r together it is easier. When we r apart I have panic attacks. I could tell when I found out on dday she was lying and it was not just a text buddy. The texting went on right in front of my face and I trusted her so much I was oblivious to it..I knew something was wrong but I believe survival instincts told me to not think the worst. During the A I was having dreams she was cheating. I would tell her about them and she would say " are you cheating, is that why u r having these dreams!"

I asked her countless times during her affair if she had anything to tell me or is something wrong. Always no, and that she loved me.

Once she really opened up after dday, she said she had been unhappy emotionally and felt detached from me. I forgot to add I work at the same place. She also had an affair with the same om before her and I. It was a PA then on two occasions.

It is hard for me to function daily. I feel like I am just existing. I believe the advice is correct to out the om to his bs.

BS - 49

WW - 33

SD - 10

Married - 7 yrs

Heartbroken since 07/21/13

The OM is known at our work as a serial cheater..

jjct posted 8/6/2013 19:19 PM

Sending strength to you.

The healing library addresses some of these questions, check it out.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ3

Telling the OBS
- do not tell your WS ahead of time that you are going to do it.
- care and compassion (she is you in a way)
- let go of the outcome

Many BS & OBS have helped each other, so just politely give your contact # for future questions (if you feel safe about it).

I would think as her superior, the serial scumbag would be worried about consequences...I think you should find a lawyer & get a consult, for protection and advice on the work front.

Bear up brother!

toomanyregrets posted 8/6/2013 20:16 PM

You need to tell the OM's BW.
She needs to know what's going on in her M.

Does your work have a "no fraternization" policy?
My WW's job did, and it got her boss fired.

Smokehouse posted 8/6/2013 23:48 PM

There is not a no policy in place. I have made up my mind to tell the OM's wife. I have explained that previously to by WW. She is afraid of retaliation and her friends and co-workers finding out. She says the biggest reason is shame and embarrassment. I do believe that

She also says because it wasn't a PA, she doesn't want me to destroy their marriage. I too would want to know and would be very hurt if the OM had gotten caught and I wouldn't have been told. I would feel like an even bigger fool than what I do now.

I can't believe the OM has so little morals that he never considered me finding out and my reaction.

The damage is permanent and changed my view of her extensively. The trust is gone for the moment. I can forgive her because I believe the remorse is real.

I am not blaming myself, but, I know the marriage was in a bad place at the time of the EA. The majority is my fault. In 2012, there was a traumatic event that occurred in the scope of my work. It left me depressed and my marriage suffered as a result. I did see a therapist and got on meds, but, it helped little. She was great through the whole ordeal, but let it be her reasoning for the EA. She now realizes she forgot the for better or for worse part.

I am still very afraid of the other shoe dropping and finding out it was physical. I tend to believe it wasn't, due to being able to read her so well and knew she was lying about a great deal of it. I just feel lost with little direction right now.

I am very appreciative for this web site and all the responses. The healing library is great. Know that I value any input greatly.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Dday - 07/21/13

stupidgirlme posted 8/7/2013 01:39 AM

She is afraid of retaliation and her friends and co-workers finding out. She says the biggest reason is shame and embarrassment.
She also says because it wasn't a PA, she doesn't want me to destroy their marriage.

Well, just maybe she should have thought about all that BEFORE beginning the betrayal! My H thinks because his affair was only emotional, it's not the same. It really isn't an affair, and is certainly not as bad as a physical one. In my book, they are equally bad and there is no reason for either. Whether your marriage was not right or not, SHE is the one who made the selfish decision to hurt you with no concern for your feelings.

I would definitely let the other BS know what is happening if you are able to.

I am a little worried that since your DD was so recent, you may still not be getting the full truth just yet. Trickle Truth is a favorite way of protecting themselves, again, uncaring for the damage it does to the BS. Each time there is a set back or new info comes to light, it feels like you go back to square one and it all starts over again. The last setback I found out about I think has even put us further back than the beginning. After a year, this crap should have stopped, and it hasn't.

Just try to take it slowly and be prepared for more things to come out. Read as many things in the Healing Library that you can. Even things that you might not think apply, still can be helpful in other ways.

So sorry you are here!!

Smokehouse posted 8/7/2013 03:54 AM

Thank you stupidgirlme. I appreciate the response. I can feel ur pain in ur username and ur written words.

My WW denied an emotional attachment from day one until recently. She told me the OM never called her the next day on her work phone to check on her emotional state. I could slowly see by her actions and words she was slowly realizing there was an attachment. Recently she told me she was hurt that the OM didn't call to check on her. That hurt worse in a way more than D-day.

I could never have built an emotional need with anyone because I love her so much, let alone in such a short time.

I appreciate the response and wise advice. I am cautiously proceeding. That is instinct and my built in survival mode to keep from getting blindsided again. I process all the info my WW gives me over and over again.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD- 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13

AStar posted 8/7/2013 04:30 AM

Hi Smokehouse
I am so sorry that you are here.
Your story resonates with me as your timeline and story is similar to mine. The best thing you can do is be easy on yourself as I am sure you are hurt and confused, your trust is shattered and your faith in yourself and wife is gone.
Tell is BS of the OM as she deserves to know. If your wife is serious about ending the EA, then she needs to have the truth out. Also HR at where your wife works needs to know and handle the situation - prevents retaliation filing if harrassment.
Your wife's loyalty should be to you and NC with the OM needs to be in place.
Take care of yourself- there are lots of good people here to support, help and guide you.

circlingthedrain posted 8/7/2013 05:06 AM

Smokehouse, gently ... I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that this has gone PA. Yes it is possible that it hadn't gotten that far yet, but it is my experience from reading here for many years that if the AP's have access to each other, there is no such thing as a long term EA. It invariably goes PA unless logistics (think long distances)requires otherwise. 3 months is a long time with them having access to each other daily. This is by no means definitive, but highly possible and if you told me the EA was 6 months, I would say it was highly likely it was a PA. Remember, cheaters lie and rarely come clean immediately.

Strength to you.

Smokehouse posted 8/7/2013 05:27 AM

Thanks for the reply circling the drain.

I definitely have it in my mind that the possibility of a PA could have happened. Lots of shopping trips on the weekends without me. New clothing, panties, looking extra good at work. The panties thing really bothered me.

There is one day in particular she was gone all day and didn't come home until right before I went to work. I work midnights. I can only go by my reads on her body language, inflections in her voice, choice of words.

As I said, they had a PA prior to our relationship. Text messages for five months prior to the PA. Lots of sexting. But, the one shopping day really sticks with me. I just don't know how to find out definitively unless it is admitted. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

There is no computer, she uses an iPad exclusively.

I base the my belief on what I described in the above paragraphs. I am very god at spotting liars and lies. Comes with my job. Probably can guess my occupation now.

If she is lying, she was able to overcome her speech, delivery, and voice inflections. I can be fooled. No doubt my love for her has somewhat blinded me and I am also scared to find out it was a PA.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13

jjct posted 8/7/2013 05:53 AM

scared to find out it was a PA

Yep. Understand this. You're bargaining with it a little bit.
Each of us can only take so much at a time...

Still, your gut will force you to face it in time. I doubt it will go away.

Something that is a regular event here on SI is what we call "parking lot confession".
They frequently occur when the BS pulls up to the facility where a polygraph is scheduled...

Smokehouse posted 8/7/2013 09:20 AM

Thank you jjct. I see what you mean by bargaining with the info and affair. I clearly see that now.

I want to know but don't want to know. I rationalize her behavior to make it fit. That one sentence really put a lot into perspective.

So thankful for this we site and the responses. Both have helped me sort my feelings and concerns.

We schedule regular talks about the affair daily. I just hope and pray it is no more than what she has confessed to.

I want to keep going with the R. I need the whole truth though. She says she understands this now and states she has been completely honest. She still minimizes the text messages and phone conversations.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13

nuance posted 8/7/2013 10:37 AM

So it's ok to have an A when your SO is sick and depressed?

toomanyregrets posted 8/7/2013 12:26 PM

She doesn't want you to destroy the OM's M ???

What about her M ?

She care more about the OM and her reputation than she does you.

Jospehine85 posted 8/7/2013 16:29 PM

My WW denied an emotional attachment from day one until recently. She told me the OM never called her the next day on her work phone to check on her emotional state. I could slowly see by her actions and words she was slowly realizing there was an attachment. Recently she told me she was hurt that the OM didn't call to check on her. That hurt worse in a way more than D-day.

Smokehouse, it wasn't attachment like love. It was an attachment to the validation. Your WW was getting ego strokes from thinking another man liked her. When he didn't call her it bruised the ego, not the heart.

Out the A to the BW and let the chips fall where they may. Let your WW put on her big girl panties and own her behavior. She needs to do that as part of her growth and change. If she can't do that, you aren't safe with her.

hatefulnow posted 8/7/2013 16:56 PM

Tell the wife. There will be NO retaliation at work. He is her superior. Their relationship is sexual harassment. The HR department will fire him quick to protect the company if this comes out.

TryingEveryday posted 8/7/2013 17:50 PM

Smokehouse,

Dude - so so sorry that you are here and this is happening. We all feel that way because we all know the pain. Sucks worse than anything else in this world. I whole-heartedly believe that.

You have to know the whole truth. Everything. If you think she's holding out, even a little, you have to make a demand. She either gives you full disclosure or you see an attorney. Hard to do? Hell yes. But you need to for a couple of reasons:

1. You can't repair your relationship and marriage when there are half-truths and gaps. You just can't.

2. If you go on without the full truth, and find R, and THEN more comes out, where will you be? Do you really want another D-day? And then another? We all know - one is bad enough.

3. If she isn't willing to disclose all, then she isn't giving this her full effort.

4. And to be blunt - fuck her job and her humiliation. If there is retaliation at work- go legal. If she is embarrassed, she should be. If she isn't willing to endure that, will she be willing to endure the next several years of work and pain?

Trust your gut. I think you know the truth. Deal with it now.

I'm not an expert, but some things just jump out. Did you say they were physical before? I think you did - if so that takes the "likely" meter waaaaaay up.

The clothes, shopping absences, and yes, the panties, all strongly indicate a PA.

I am so sorry. The thought of my wife with another man tears me up daily. She had two one-night stands with people out of state. These people are completely out of our life and she had zero emotional attachment to them. And it still tears me up. You have to be experiencing incredible pain.

What you should be experiencing as well, though, is outrage. Lay it on the table - either she comes clean, and starts looking for another job, and ceases all contact - ALL CONTACT - with him, or it's over.

I know it's easy to say (actually, no - it sucks), but you can't have a healthy relationship in the situation you're in.

My wife is my soulmate. She is my best friend. She hurt me deeply and permenantly. I still can't imagine a life without her. But if she cheats again, that is exactly what I will have and she knows it. And she will have a life without me. That too, must be a realization for the WS.

Hang on, man. At this point, that's what you gotta do. Hang on, heal, and hopefully find peace again. Best scenario - at peace in a great marriage. Not best - at peace with yourself and your self-respect despite the loss of someone you loved and trusted.

kenny55 posted 8/7/2013 18:45 PM

So why the new panties???