Topic: New furniture?
Member # 27090
| Posted: 4:54 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
People who have had the OP in their home ... have you got rid of bedroom furniture? Has it helped with triggers? People who haven't got rid of it - did you eventually feel more comfortable?
We got a lovely new bed just over a year ago. I love it, and don't want to get rid of it, but I'm f*@$ed off that another woman has been in it. Maybe we should just get a new cover? I just hate the idea that she was in the house at all. We can't really afford a new bed, and I don't know whether it will help that much anyway.
FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...
Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 34197
| Posted: 5:00 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
We got a new bed after a while. I don't know for sure if OW was in our bed but I'm not buying that she slept on an air mattress the week I was out of town. The new bed didn't change anything for me, it didn't change the fact that he was WILLING to let another woman into our home that way.
[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 5:00 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.
Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 40032
| Posted: 5:25 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
We burnt the bed and moved out of the bedroom. I still have triggers just being in the house but I couldn't tolerate being in the house until the bed was gone. Also burnt the couch cuz she sat there. Luckily both were old.
I've heard some people just redecorate and that it can help. If you like the furniture then changing it up with different covers etc might help? It's such an individual thing...
In my case the whore who made house calls hid things for me to find which took several weeks in all. Just added to the trauma. She was trying to expose things so I would dump my fWH.
Him letting her in the house made this thing much more difficult for us to overcome.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:30 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
M 35+(both in our 60s),True R since Jan 2016 (after poly), Mult DDs & False R 2013-15, Cheating IRL or ONL Porn/Dating Sites Oct 2008-Mar 2014 [4 MOWs 2009-12: 2 ONS; 1 Psycho Stalker]
False R: Frosting a rotten cake. True R: Having each others backs.
Posts: 1281 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 16024
| Posted: 5:59 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines.
A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown
Posts: 54913 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 27090
| Posted: 6:39 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
Thanks. She also sat on the couch so I would love to get a new couch, but money and having a small child are factors to consider. I guess it's a personal thing. Just wish she was never here :-(
FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...
Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 33867
| Posted: 6:46 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
There is no way I would keep the bed that my WH had the nerve to bring MOW into.
The entire bedroom set plus mattress...GONE.
Sheets (all of them since I did not know which were on the bed), pillows, comforter...GONE.
Hell, I made him sell his brand new truck (MOW went with him when he selected it)
He purchased it 1 month before Dday and sold it weeks after.
I made him buy me a new car as well, since he had the audacity to have sex with MOW in MY car!
There is no way I will keep anything that makes me trigger...nothing.
Hell, I even sold my house!
Did this help? Absolutely!
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 6:49 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
ME: 55 BS
HIM: 63 WH
Married: 30 years
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2415 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 40012
| Posted: 7:22 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
Furniture stayed, but has been rearranged. All bedding put out with the trash. FWH is willing to get new furniture, but his willingness to endure my mood swings and still apologize and hold me, keeps me sane. We have started looking for a new home and this helps too.
It really comes down to what brings you comfort. WS can agree or not.
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.
Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Member # 40128
| Posted: 11:30 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013|
My H had sex with the OW in my son's bedroom on his little couch that we had in there for reading books, etc. Yes, it still makes me want to vomit thinking of it. I put it on the curb the day after D-Day (with my poor son in tears) and ordered a brand new couch/chair for him. I also completely rearranged the room and bought new posters, etc. I still have a hard time being in there sometimes, realizing that my H gave another woman an orgasm in that room. I feel like there are ghosts. BUT - I remind myself that this is MY house and MY son's bedroom, and we made thousands of memories in that house before she tried to stain it. She stole enough from me - she's not stealing my home, too.
It came down to whether I was going to take it back for myself, or let her steal yet another thing from my life. It's been hard, but I'm glad we stayed in the house. But yes, new furniture, new décor, rearranging photographs, etc. has all helped tremendously.
Have you tried burning sage through the house? I did that, too. More symbolic than anything.
In my opinion, when you walk away from it all, the OP wins. If you stay and reclaim it, you do.
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R
Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 21183
| Posted: 12:47 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
YES - I purchased all new bedroom furniture....I had the room repainted, and I replaced the carpet with hardwood floors. I bought all new bedding and linens.
PLUS: I had my Master Bath Room gutted and totally remodeled. I was not going to use that bathroom or that bedroom furniture after I found out the psycho OW had been in MY HOME!!!
I've never missed the prior bedroom furniture; or bathroom fixtures at all. My home was only 3 years old on D-Day.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.
Hopefully you can sell the current bed.
Me BS 59
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Member # 36185
| Posted: 1:47 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
We moved the bed out, i got new bedding. We then moved house. Every room felt haunted by her. I kept imagining her in the lounge playing with my babies. But we were renting in another town and one of my prerequisites for R was we move back to our previous city. I have never regretted it for a moment. But everyone is different and maybe if it had been a home we'd made together I would have wanted to stay and reclaim it.
These things are all just symbols really and what matters is how each of us see things in our own heads.when the bed is gone your H will still be there, the man who brought someone into your home. And then you have to work through how you feel about that. It is a hard thing to get your head around
[This message edited by Kiwigirl at 1:50 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34
D-Day 19 April 2012
Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 10
| Posted: 5:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|Dare2Trust,
There is no OP namecalling in the Reconciliation Forum. This thread has already been flagged for this guideline violation.
The original poster's intent was to get support with her situation in the light of reconciliation.
If the guidelines of the R forum can't be followed, we'll have to move this thread to General.
Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 38921
| Posted: 11:24 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
In the beginning I triggered everywhere in my house. Thankfully I don't have any sex images, just emotional. My H would not even sit in front room after I told him how I felt.
Then one day I woke up and I looked around. This house is MINE. I would be damned if I was going to let them make me feel bad in MY house.
I realized that it was my work and love that built this home. I changed a few things but I always tell myself that she is of no consequence to my home OR my Happiness. It is mine and I will not let her taint anything else! Besides my H that is, and she got a broken man, the full of shit man that didn't know his head from his A.
What a sad person she must be to have so little self respect that you would reach out to someone 30 yrs older. Two very broken people. I can see my H starting to heal (last year when EA started his mother had a stroke and 4 months later, his younger brother passed, and if you can believe; one month after his brother passed, his mother also passed) and try to fix himself. It is a blip on our map of 23yrs.
Her on the other hand has some serious issues. Aww, it breaks my heart...not in this lifetime
Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38020
| Posted: 11:33 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I would get new furnature. There is no way I would sleep in the same bed after an OW was in it.
After DD's dad cheated, we moved. My home never felt like mine anymore, even after getting rid of some stuff in it.
To each their own. Some people need to. Some don't.
smallbutstrong- your SON'S room? WTF??? That's worse than doing it in your room! So wrong, so gross!
I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37945
| Posted: 11:34 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
My WH had sex with one of the AP in my car. He is remorseful (I think). I actually view it as an act of contrition that he has to drive our kids around In That car every day. I think it helps me to make him drive it. To make him see it everyday. So that he can't compartmentalize it away.
I think it forcing him to see my pain everyday. I'd keep the furniture, and I'd make him sleep on it every night
Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 39774
| Posted: 11:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
His car was the most recently in-my-life location.
We can't afford to sell the car and obtain a new one, so I often just avoid going in his car. We take mine instead.
He knows I hate his car, I say it openly and often. I won't sit in the passengers seat if we do have to take his car, I will either drive or I sit in the back seat and make him drive me around like he is my personal chauffeur.
I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.
Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Member # 38921
| Posted: 12:15 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Another thing I thought of doing was to make new memories to replace the old.. Do it with WS in those areas and hopefully create new memories?? Just a thought.
But my feelings really are that I'll be damned if she is going to ruin anything else for me...I'm taking it back, after all it is MINE
Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38072
| Posted: 12:23 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
According to my H, they only had sex on my family room floor.
I made him get the carpet cleaned and I only had occasional triggers about it. He swore up and down that they were never in our room/bed but I got all new linens anyway. I'm not giving up my Stickley bedroom set that I worked hard and saved up for! He also swears that she was never in his truck. I don't really believe this but I do know that if he said she did then I would've insisted he get rid of it.
As it happens we are getting ready to move out of state so getting rid of the house and will also sell the truck within the next year.
Eta: If you think new furniture will help then go for it. There are always pieces available on Craigslist or at Goodwill if you can't afford new stuff right now.
[This message edited by pearlharbr at 12:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
Me: BSO, 43 / Him: WSO, 42
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11
Posts: 53 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
Member # 39850
| Posted: 1:00 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I am glad to see that I'm not the only person having thoughts about furniture!
I recently went to my WS's house, and the sight of the bedroom and bed nearly gave me a panic attack. He plans to move in December, but I know that nasty bed will be moving with him. I haven't had the courage to say anything to him about getting rid of it because I didn't think I had the right to ask that. And I know he can't afford a new one. But I can't imagine sleeping on it. Maybe I will have to bring up the topic eventually.
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014
Posts: 1689 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35512
| Posted: 2:29 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I discovered my W's A when I walked in on her and OM on our living room couch. Was a huge trigger for me, so yes, we got rid of it and bought new furniture. No regrets at all, and so glad we did it. It definitely removed a very sensitive trigger for me.
Me: BH, 44
Her: FWW, 43 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~
Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 37683
| Posted: 2:59 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
My H made out in our car and I had him sell it. He had sex in our house on the floor of the living room, but that really doesn't bother me since it was a ONS. Regarding the LTA, he had sex in the hot tub and I have refused to have any romantic encounters there. We have gotten in when either of us have used it for therapeutic purposes. Originally, I thought I would sell it, but I didn't.
Hotel rooms are still a trigger!
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"
Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
|Topic Posts: 20|