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Newest Member: scorchedearth (60708)

User Topic: Depression During Reconciliation
♀ 40204
Member # 40204
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone out there! I'm new to the site. Quite frankly, I am rather new to the whole 'infidelity' thing as well. I've been with my SO for almost 9yrs. The A happened about five months ago and lasted two. Ever since, we've been trying to reconcile. We've had our ups and downs, good days and bad, but I'd like to know if anyone has ever experienced this feeling before...

While we were apart, (He pretty much blindsided me and abandoned a supposedly happy and open relationship without warning) I had to quickly adjust to life without him. I really thought he was gone forever. Within a month, I was going out with friends, meeting new people, starting to date a little, and doing things to expand my own personal growth. I began to feel some confidence in myself and started to feel like someday I could find true happiness, (maybe even love) again. I was hopeful for my future.

Fast forward to now. He's back, he's apologized to me, and says he wants to make it work. I know he's sincere, and I've been willing to forgive and move past it, but there is so much doubt. I used to feel so in sync with him emotionally. I felt so much like I knew him inside and out. Not only is the innocence gone, but that feeling of understanding and being understood is gone, too. I feel like I love him MORE, and I can't stand it. I feel like I'VE got to impress HIM. This is definitely not the way I pictured our reconciliation in my head. I thought that I'd be showered with praise and affection, that he'd proclaim his love from the rooftops. That's what I thought I deserved after all of this, but he hasn't been that committed to reassuring me. He's put doing a lot of those things off and focused on work and business relationships. Maybe not because I'm less important to him, but maybe because right now it's easier to repair his career instead of 'us'. No matter what's behind it, it's still made me feel like I've been pushed aside and placed on the backburner. It's sent me spiraling into self loathing and depression. I feel sometimes like this half-hearted attempt at working things out is all I deserve. Like maybe I'll never get to experience a deep and passionate love. Like I'll never love again. All the confidence I built up while he was away has plummeted. My projects have been pushed aside, and my social life has become practically non-existent because I'm so emotionally drained all the time. It's been almost six months since D-day, and I've never felt more unsure of my future. I'm so sad all the time, and all we want is to be happy together. I just can't accept the idea that our connection wasn't as special and deep as I thought it was. I can't live with the feeling that I love him more than he could ever love me.

Sorry if this is a bit choppy and rambling, I tried to condense things as best as I could. Anyway, I'd like to know if anyone else has had to deal with major depression AFTER their WS's have come back into the picture. Is it normal to be dealing with these feelings now? Did you get through it and move on? Did things get better? Did things end? I'd appreciate any feedback/advice, thanks. <3 <3 <3

[This message edited by EchoLawrence at 5:14 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Me: BGF 25yo
Him: fWBF
Together 9yrs
Online EA, then after Dday, became PA. A has ended and we are in R.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: All Over The World
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 8+ weeks out, and although WH did not leave after d-day, he's wanted to R since the moment I found out, I have been struggling with depression and wondering how that will affect R. This is new to me, I've never been depressed in my life. I feel it affecting my daily life greatly. But I am in IC and I hope to one day wake up without the immediate feeling of dread, having to face another day in my new world.

That being said, if I felt our marriage was on the back burner, as you feel, I would freak the eff out and more than likely kick his @$$ out of here. Are you in any type of counseling? What is he actively doing to help facilitate R?

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome, EchoLawrence.

I'm glad you found us, but I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

You'll find some useful links in the upper left, including the Healing Library.

My wife never left me, but I did experience major depression issues. It can take a lot of work to get through the depression periods, but a lot of that work is really good for you, too. Now's a time to be gentle on yourself as well.

Things that helped me were, talking about it here on SI, IC, physical activities, hanging out with my dogs, picking up projects that I enjoy, etc.

When the depression got too much to deal with, I did end up consulting a psych and going on a low dosage of SSRI antidepressants. A lot of folks on this site have done the same thing.

Take care, and keep us posted if there is anything we can do for you. We're here for you.

Posts: 30659 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 40204
Member # 40204
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys so much! It's so easy to feel isolated and cut off from the outside world when you're grappling with this level of inner turmoil. I can't believe I waited this long to join!

As far as CC, I'm looking into it. we need it bad. I've had some pretty piss-poor counseling in the past and so has he, so we're both wary. Actually, it took a huge fight to get him to agree to CC in the first place.

I wish I could say he's done more to facilitate R, but so far I'll I've been given are promises. It was a pretty public separation, family and friends knew all details from the get-go. It just couldn't be avoided, and was quite humiliating for me. He dropped everything, left state and lived with the OW for a brief time. He let the A infiltrate every aspect of his life, and everything suffered. That's why getting back on track with business was so imperative, he literally was jobless and homeless.

Anyway, all he talks about is "When I have enough money, I'll fix things. Wait and see." and I keep telling him what I need doesn't cost much at all, but he doesn't listen. I want him to take responsibility for the damage that's been done, apologize to our friends and family so we can all move on together (he just avoids them), and reassure me and prove everyday that I'm the love of his life, that he'll always stand by my side and be my partner and friend.

I think it all boils down to this..He wants to be babied and taken care of. I think it's really hard for him to take responsibility and face people who don't like him right now. He can't stand it when people don't adore him and he avoids uncomfortable situations like the plague. And that's what R is, one big, giant, uncomfortable situation that he keeps avoiding and putting off.

Me: BGF 25yo
Him: fWBF
Together 9yrs
Online EA, then after Dday, became PA. A has ended and we are in R.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: All Over The World
Topic Posts: 4

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