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whynow2013 posted 8/6/2013 18:49 PM

Ok here goes

Just found out hubby had a 4 month relationship with a woman I am dealing with the relationship and we are still together but there is so much underlying stuff.

We were both in the military and during that time both of us cheated. He would have affairs while deployed over 20 to his count. I had a 6 one nighters. When I found out about this affair he came clean about all of his affairs. He does not know about mine.

I am not in the least affected by the old affairs they have rolled right off my back. what bothers me is this current one because it was a 'relationship' not just an affair. He works with her and i am having trouble dealing with that fact daily.

Is this something that I am dealing with do to karma do I have the right to get upset?

Also the difference with this one is we lived together during this time I was here every night and available to him and he still went somewhere else.
Everyday he would tell me how much he loved me how much he needed me how beautiful I am.

He tells me he was relieved I found out because he tried to stop the relationship multiple times but she kept pursuing him and he couldn't break away.

He wants to stay married I don't know if I can deal with him working at the same place as this woman everyday.

Am I screwed up for even being hurt? He gave this woman the love and affection I wanted and needed from him. The sex is one thing but the relationship is what is killing me.

He told me she was nothing that he was using her and that all the things he said were lies. She pursued him and wouldn't stop and then finally he slept with her. She was in the middle of a divorce (from a man who works for hubby).

She has stalked us and then this weekend started on my facebook liking my pictures. I finally texted her asked her to leave me alone I have never invaded her life and she responded that my husbanded did. Of course i got ugly and said she was a piece of trash, a two bit whore and lots of other things that I am not to proud of. She has slept with other guys at the factory (which is why she is getting divorced).

All in all am I screwed up because I am jealous or is this fates way of paying me back for my past?

BW 42
WH 42
married 23 years
DD 5/23/13

karmahappens posted 8/6/2013 18:56 PM

Hi whynow2013

I am sorry you have to be here.

As much as my name suggests different, I don't believe you are here due to karma.

You are here because infidelity hurts.It is the worst offense one can commit against their spouse.

I would suggest you get into some therapy. You both obviously need help and have issues in your personal boundaries/lives that have caused all of this cheating.

I also would tell him the truth. He deserves to know what kind of life he has been living in just as you do.

You both have a lot of work ahead, to truly deal with this stuff sucks, but it is worth it. You can stay married or you can divorce...but whatever you decide you both deserve to go down your path in a healthy - eyes -wide open way.

Good luck.

dameia posted 8/6/2013 19:29 PM

Wow, I don't even know where to start with this...

First off, you're what's know around here as a madhatter. That is, you are both the betrayed and the betrayer.

Unfortunately I am very familiar with the culture of infidelity within the military. I am a victim of it.

Is this something that I am dealing with do to karma do I have the right to get upset?

I'm not getting into a discussion about karma, but yes, you do have a right to be upset. You were betrayed. Of course, your WH/BH has a right to be upset about YOUR infidelities as well....something you really should tell him about.

All in all am I screwed up because I am jealous or is this fates way of paying me back for my past?

I'm sure you are jealous...and hurt...and all of the crap that comes with betrayal. Is fate paying you back? I don't know. I'm sure some people will think so, but many others will disagree.

I think that you and your H need to get together and finally start being honest with one another. Then you will have a better handle on this mess.

RedRaven6500 posted 8/6/2013 19:44 PM

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, IMO. Know what it is YOU really want. If you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you want to get to the root of why you cheat, and that you truly want to try and save your marriage, then you need to tell him the truth, and I mean ALL OF IT. No TT, don't try to soften the blow by leaving out facts or details, lay it all out there. Then ask him if he can do the same, be utterly honest to you and for your marriage. Then get your rears in IC and MC. Are you both in the military still? The reason I ask, is because "off base" counseling is the way to go. Most base counselors are not strictly MC's. They can not report to your commands, unless there is threat of violence/crimes, but you will not get the benefit of a true MC at the ARC or FFS. Also, ask up front if they will or must report to your CO. This may happen, especially if you have a security clearance TS or above. Best of luck to you.