WS of 15 years, three children, never expected this. Seven month textbook affair, from "friends" to "confidant" (dangerous) to kiss, to sexting, to photos, to hookup, to sex. I will reconcile, I can forgive. I understand what depression and mid life crisis (MLC) may have contributed. I understand what pressures I may have contributed.
Here is what I don't understand. 15 days from D-day today... I haverequested three things "a love letter" to help me believe he wants me "a list of promises" so I can believe there is a future, (and I said I would make one also) and a "letter of NC to OW" 15 days and I have none of these things.
He is in some pity party, poor me, selfish mode of how he ruined his life and he was unhappy with me, but leaving would be worse and "he has nowhere to go" I say, Are you in or out? He says "in" but no tears...no apology. (Ok, I get Im SOrry, but those are hollow words if you can't "feel" them) He tells me he is tired of hearing it. He tells me everyday that I will never get over it. (he wanted to stop talking about it on day 1 and just go on lie it ever happened) He said it is "OVER with OW" I have seen texts that signify he tried to pull back, he has maybeshut the door... but it isn't locked if you know what I mean.
He has said it might have continued if he hadnt got caught...certainly wasnt concerned with me! BUt he also says he never planned to leave me or kids...that the affair was an escape to bury his own unhappiness.
Maybe... maybe it was an escape, an irrepsonsible, horrible escape... but I am getting the feeling it was more of an "ejector seat" from the marriage.Not man enough to face the trouble, he wants me to throw him out? Seems plausible.
Again, he says he's "in" but actions and all show otherwise. IS THIS A HUGE RED FLAG OR IS THIS THE "FOG"you refer to?
I do not think he wants to be with OW. She works for same comapny and it was hookups while traveling, followed by falsifying travel in order to create more opportunity for sex.
SOme do not blame OW... I DO!I have seen the callous texts, she could not have loved him... how can anyone claim to love when she disregarded his status as a family man? A true love would not take his scraps... its not like she is going to be step-mom. She just WANTS him... just wants to be with him.
And when I ask about her feelings, he shuts down...bc he is afraid to tell me. And when I say, I will ever heal without you sending her a NC letter...he says "i ended it" but yet, she called my house just last week!SO I call BS!
He may believe he has ended it, or want me to believe it...but its nonsense.
I ask, why wont you send the letter? He replies, "a letter isnt a nice way to deal with someone" and "I dont want to hurt her feelings!" WTFFFFFFFFFF
I am dying here. I am shattered. AND I am the ONLY ONE FIGHTING for us. I have to get the details like picking hairs...he has never confessed a thing,
I cant stand it. I Feel like the writing is on the wall... this man is not "in" it at all. He's in freaking limbo world.
I have been SO good and followed the rules...but I cannot GET him to move toward me... not an inch. Only, he says, lets move on...lets repair us.
And lets not forget the blame... I drove him to it... He was so lost and I was not "supportive" of him. Again, WTF?!?! Grow a set bc I am busy raising your kids, AH!!!
This is the most anger I have expressed... I have been so diplomatic with him. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND LETTING ME SLAM ALL THIS INTO THE KEYBOARD I just want to SMASH something.
Is is normal for the BS to do all the initial work? IS thisi FOG or is he just an A$$? Is the affair still on?
HE said yes to MC, and then said if SHE says send a letter..he will.,. but no way he is going to let ME mandate to him. AGAIN WTF?!?!?! That seems unremorseful! That seems a red flag. Shouldnt I be able to call the shots?
MC appt is tomorrow AM. I already told her the letter is the issue of the day, she said " of course he has to send it, he cant have one foot in the marriage and one foot out the door" <--- my thoughts exactly. Dont want to go through the pain and work of R if it will all be for nothing. FEEL like I should just let him go.
He says things like his life willnever be the same, Ill always be checking up on him, not letting him go out, etc. WELL, too bad, my friend. You want those things now after you blew it? Its those things or me and the kids. NOW PICK!!!
QUESTION: worth fighting for? Hw long to let him be foggy if thats what this is? ANY HOPE FOR UNREMORSEFUL SPOUSE?
SORRY for typos, runons and anger. I have a degree in English for God's sakeand I am not going to edit a thing. I just needed to type and type and type.
Please help. Not telling family until this plays out.