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confused by actions, pls advise UrgenT

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FeelSoSmall posted 8/6/2013 20:11 PM

WS of 15 years, three children, never expected this. Seven month textbook affair, from "friends" to "confidant" (dangerous) to kiss, to sexting, to photos, to hookup, to sex. I will reconcile, I can forgive. I understand what depression and mid life crisis (MLC) may have contributed. I understand what pressures I may have contributed.
Here is what I don't understand. 15 days from D-day today... I haverequested three things "a love letter" to help me believe he wants me "a list of promises" so I can believe there is a future, (and I said I would make one also) and a "letter of NC to OW" 15 days and I have none of these things.
He is in some pity party, poor me, selfish mode of how he ruined his life and he was unhappy with me, but leaving would be worse and "he has nowhere to go" I say, Are you in or out? He says "in" but no apology. (Ok, I get Im SOrry, but those are hollow words if you can't "feel" them) He tells me he is tired of hearing it. He tells me everyday that I will never get over it. (he wanted to stop talking about it on day 1 and just go on lie it ever happened) He said it is "OVER with OW" I have seen texts that signify he tried to pull back, he has maybeshut the door... but it isn't locked if you know what I mean.
He has said it might have continued if he hadnt got caught...certainly wasnt concerned with me! BUt he also says he never planned to leave me or kids...that the affair was an escape to bury his own unhappiness.
Maybe... maybe it was an escape, an irrepsonsible, horrible escape... but I am getting the feeling it was more of an "ejector seat" from the marriage.Not man enough to face the trouble, he wants me to throw him out? Seems plausible.
Again, he says he's "in" but actions and all show otherwise. IS THIS A HUGE RED FLAG OR IS THIS THE "FOG"you refer to?
I do not think he wants to be with OW. She works for same comapny and it was hookups while traveling, followed by falsifying travel in order to create more opportunity for sex.
SOme do not blame OW... I DO!I have seen the callous texts, she could not have loved him... how can anyone claim to love when she disregarded his status as a family man? A true love would not take his scraps... its not like she is going to be step-mom. She just WANTS him... just wants to be with him.
And when I ask about her feelings, he shuts down...bc he is afraid to tell me. And when I say, I will ever heal without you sending her a NC letter...he says "i ended it" but yet, she called my house just last week!SO I call BS!
He may believe he has ended it, or want me to believe it...but its nonsense.
I ask, why wont you send the letter? He replies, "a letter isnt a nice way to deal with someone" and "I dont want to hurt her feelings!" WTFFFFFFFFFF

I am dying here. I am shattered. AND I am the ONLY ONE FIGHTING for us. I have to get the details like picking hairs...he has never confessed a thing,
I cant stand it. I Feel like the writing is on the wall... this man is not "in" it at all. He's in freaking limbo world.
I have been SO good and followed the rules...but I cannot GET him to move toward me... not an inch. Only, he says, lets move on...lets repair us.
And lets not forget the blame... I drove him to it... He was so lost and I was not "supportive" of him. Again, WTF?!?! Grow a set bc I am busy raising your kids, AH!!!
This is the most anger I have expressed... I have been so diplomatic with him. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND LETTING ME SLAM ALL THIS INTO THE KEYBOARD I just want to SMASH something.

Is is normal for the BS to do all the initial work? IS thisi FOG or is he just an A$$? Is the affair still on?
HE said yes to MC, and then said if SHE says send a letter..he will.,. but no way he is going to let ME mandate to him. AGAIN WTF?!?!?! That seems unremorseful! That seems a red flag. Shouldnt I be able to call the shots?

MC appt is tomorrow AM. I already told her the letter is the issue of the day, she said " of course he has to send it, he cant have one foot in the marriage and one foot out the door" <--- my thoughts exactly. Dont want to go through the pain and work of R if it will all be for nothing. FEEL like I should just let him go.
He says things like his life willnever be the same, Ill always be checking up on him, not letting him go out, etc. WELL, too bad, my friend. You want those things now after you blew it? Its those things or me and the kids. NOW PICK!!!

QUESTION: worth fighting for? Hw long to let him be foggy if thats what this is? ANY HOPE FOR UNREMORSEFUL SPOUSE?

SORRY for typos, runons and anger. I have a degree in English for God's sakeand I am not going to edit a thing. I just needed to type and type and type.

Please help. Not telling family until this plays out.

Nature_Girl posted 8/6/2013 20:30 PM

Words are meaningless. What is he DOING? Doesn't sound like much.

I think he needs to be taking the initiative to begin healing in your marriage. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to Google "healing from an affair" or "reconcile after infidelity" or any other kind of search term. You found us here. Is there something that prevents your WS from lifting a finger and making an effort to fix what he screwed up?

brkn_heartd posted 8/6/2013 20:31 PM

Welcome, this is a good place for support. I am sorry you needed to join us, but there is a lot of wisdom and experience here. Next, make sure you take care of your self. Eat, drink and get some rest. All too quickly, we forget to do that.

In the upper left corner is the healing library, there is a lot of good information in the library also.

In regards to your H, he is obviously not trying and regretful he got caught. He is not willing to send the letter as he is not sure he really is through. If you call it quits, in his mind he didn't do it. My H was a cakeeater too. It wasn't until I drew the line in the sand that I got his attention. However, I had to be ready to do that. You must be to.

In other words, are you ready to say if you don't do XXXX we are finished and you are to be out of the house by xx? If you are not ready to maintain the boundary, do not make it. I was not ready to give my H his ultimatum for a while. Once I was ready to live through it, then I could lay it on the line. If you back off on the consequence you will not make any headway.

In the meantime, read on the 180. That will get his attention and help you to heal at the same time.

caregiver9000 posted 8/6/2013 20:51 PM

((((FSS)))) Tons of hugs to you!!

Your post made me so angry on your behalf. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings?? Didn't think too much about your feelings when he was hooking up with the OW.

I see that you have asked for three very doable things. And he hasn't complied.

Time to 180. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library.

You can't nice him back into the marriage or beg him back. Time for the cold hard truth of consequences.

I am sorry you had to find us. But welcome all the same.

Snowy posted 8/6/2013 21:33 PM


Sorry you are here.

Let me offer a few comments

Here is what I don't understand. 15 days from D-day today

Hate to tell you, but 15 days is very early in the process. It took me years to over come what happened.

It will take time for you to process what has happen and it will take time for your WS to realise what has happen.

Like you, I expected a lot from my WS in those early days. It sometimes takes time.

he cant have one foot in the marriage and one foot out the door

Totally agree. You need to be totally in a marriage. If part of you is out, then you are not in the marriage.

I am the ONLY ONE FIGHTING for us

You can not force a person to be in a marriage. He needs to step up at some time and work at it.

Beware of falling into the trap of being codependent. Read about codependence. It was a mistake I feel into.

I just want to SMASH something

You will go through a whole range of emotions. Wanting to smash something is normal. You want to get those emotions out.

I went to a gym and punched the crap out of a punching bag. Went somewhere else screamed. Went for long walks.

I found doing things like this helped me handled my emotions.

hard_yards posted 8/6/2013 22:29 PM

Hi honey, sorry you find yourself among us.

I'm going to bump a post that will help with a lot of your questions, it's worth gold.

Look for poster Katherine41, and her post "20/20 Hindsight, what I Should Have Done When I JFO".

Hugs honey.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 10:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

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