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i look at the phone records. He has kept his n/c.

But then I look back at the records from last year. I want to cry. Why didn't I think to check them before when I was worried about his new BFF.

I want to vomit.

What do you do when you are feeling low that is stupid?

I do that exact same thing.

F them for making us crazy.

I obsess over every exchange they had and pick a fight without meaning too.

They get to move on and here we are.

He's been trying so hard too. He can just forget her. He says he only thinks about her when I bring her up.

Why do I obsess then? He's at work and it triggers me. they worked together. She went to a new location but moved closer to the old one where the husband is at. His theater is in desperate need of managers. What if she transfers back?

Then we were invited to a wedding and she wasn't. However someone might bring her as a guest so that means she might be there and at our table.

ugh. this sucks.

but had i not started to check the records a few months back i would have never known.

I am not in R but this was the most stupid thing that I would do in the very recent past.

Have 1 or 3 too many drinks, cry, break NC, acquire new hurts and confirm that 'yep, he is still an unremorseful ahole' and stop drinking.

Lather, rinse, repeat until about a month ago.

So sorry you are going through this.

To try and avoid doing things that hurt me when I am triggering or at a low point I now:

* acknowledge the pain

* remind myself of positives that have come about

* self sooth/treat myself to something that is good for me

* keep reminding myself that this too shall pass

* forgive myself if I do end up doing something that causes or adds to the pain

I have found that recently the lows have become shallower and more manageable.

((cuppacoffee))

Stupid things I do:

1. Google HOworker

2. Google whores in Thailand

3. Re-read the timeline

Really just obsessing in general. I spend a lot of time thinking about the time that was lost due to his lies. None of it is healthy but I just can't help mysellf.

I go on her Facebook wall and see something that I wish I hadn't. Just stupid stuff that causes me more triggers.

I'm having a low night. Really low. He asked if I was going to be happy tonight at some point and I said I don't know when I'll ever be happy and maybe I should just move out so he doesn't have to keep seeing me sad.

At moments like this I envision all the things I could do to the OW. But I never do any of them. I just fantasize about everything from keying her car to slashing her eyes out and chopping her head off and stabbing her chest over and over again. Pretty gruesome. If I were a friend or family member of me and read this I'd have me committed.

[This message edited by Patchy at 12:32 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that looks at phone records! I spend hours looking at them. I always feel worse after I do it and yet I keep doing it.

Howorker i love that!!!