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Painfuljourney posted 8/6/2013 21:50 PM

I'm glad to have found this place. I am about a month past DD. I found some internet dating sites on my WH's computer. It turns out he was really looking to possibly hook up that way. In the midst of that fight he confessed a physical affair that took place 4 years ago. He said it started as an emotional affair, talking, sexting, she was in love with him. He never told her he loved her. They met when he was out of town working, she drove a few hours to meet him. They had sex in his hotel. 3 times intercourse and she gave him a blowjob. He said he had 2 orgasms with her, the first 2 and then the others he faked, but he was clearly trying to get his money's worth. He said he used her like a piece of meat, which makes me feel slightly better, at least he didn't love her. He said the sex wasn't good, again makes me feel better. He decided to end it the next day, had the some fog lifted he said, but continued on being friends with her for 4 months afterwards, he said she was getting on his nerves at this point, using him as a sounding board. She had some hopes in getting back with him and he said it was like she was hoping he'd leave me. But he told me he just wanted to get rid of her and was afraid she'd come to me and tell me everything. I do believe his story. I keep asking questions over and over again, gritty details of everything, sex acts, conversations, when they talked on the phone, etc. I needed full disclosure and transparency. She lived in a small town not close to us, 4 hours away, so it was mostly a phone affair, but that one physical night. Anyway, since the confession I've been on a roller coaster ride. I'm sad and depressed at times. I get triggered on a daily basis. Right now my WH is out of town at the same hotel he met her for sex at. I told him I couldn't talk to him tonight, it was a trigger. When I trigger I go through a hundred questions and cry and sometimes get angry. He just sits there and is quietly listening. He cries and feels horrible. We have been married 24 years. I told him I don't hate him and I don't want a divorce. But I just feel so stupid. Am I stupid? Should I hire an attorney and move on? I do feel like we have reconnected since his confession. He realized he was super angry and blaming me for his unhappiness. Now he is realizing he was the cause of his own unhappiness. He says he didn't respect me and was not a good husband to me during all this time. We have been reading His Needs, Her Needs. The 5 Love Languages. I got STD tested, he's getting tested next week. We have discovered many flaws in our PA marriage and I truly think we can have a better marriage with some tools. We still love each other but I can't quite forget what he did to me. I keep thinking of her, the other woman. The computer stuff I caught before anything happened and that is in the back of my mind as screwed up enough. But the other woman that was EA and PA, that just kills me. Is it something we can overcome? I know on his part he wants to work things out and is truly sorry. But can I get over this? I want to hurt OW badly. I have written her 2 letters, she has yet to respond. I just want her to know that I know and she can't just walk away without any consequences. I also told her she is ugly and he affaired down. lol I know mature. But I saw a picture of her online and she is ugly! Thanks for letting me ramble. I haven't told anyone about this. Only he knows. I know if I tell anyone and stay with him it won't be a good thing. No MC just yet. We are reading books and talking at the moment. MC and IC might be in the future if we can't proceed as far as we need. Some days I feel like I'm going to make it and I'm on the right track. But then the movies start up and I picture him and her and his words of intimacy with her, the hours on the phone while I'm home with the kids. It sickens me so much.

Lionne posted 8/6/2013 22:15 PM

Okay. First things first. Breathe. You ask if you can survive this. The short answer is yes. There are many stages of grief that you will experience, and many stages of reconciliation to go through, but you WILL make it. And your marriage can make it too, with hard work on both your parts.

There is one book that I think is a good start. It's short and to the point. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from An Affair." You read it, but your WH should memorize it.

This site is amazing, full of wisdom, compassion and humanity at it's best. Not every bit of advice will work for you, take what is useful and leave the rest. Some stories will seem "better" than yours, some will seem "worse." Some will be full of pain and healing, and remorse and forgiveness, but most of us don't FORGET, but find a way to live with a new normal.

You have been heard. Keep posting, we are listening.


Skan posted 8/7/2013 12:22 PM

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Yes, you can recover from this. You will survive. Your feelings of being all over the place are normal. You are going to feel like this for a very long time probably 1-2 years. You will want to have crazy, bonding sex with him, run away from him, scream and rage, cling and cry all kinds of emotions and sometimes, within minutes of each other. That is normal.

First off, NC NC NC with the OW. No Contact no new hurts. Your problem isn't her, it's your husband and your marriage. If he has not already done so, he needs to write a NC letter that you see and approve of, and send it to her, then both of you block all means of communication to her phone, internet, etc. The letter should be basic and simple, along the lines of "My decision to meet with you and betray my wife is the worse decision that I have ever made in my life. I love my wife and am totally committed to her and our marriage. I never want to hear from you again. Do not contact me in any way."

Next, it sounds like your WH is showing remorse. Do you have all of his passwords to his computer, phone, and other devices, including social media (Facebook, etc.)? If not, get them. You will want and need to check that he is not in communication with her nor anyone else for some time. This is normal. Him giving you that information, never deleting his history on any electronic device (you do that only), and giving you the devices to scan through at any time will help you quite a bit to calm your fears and to let him start establishing a bit, a tiny bit, of trust with you.

I really do recommend IC at least, and MC as well. It's a lot easier to work through issues with trained help. Be sure to question any therapist about their experience with infidelity and if they have none, or state that they believe that all infidelity is a marriage based issue vice an individual decision to go outside the marriage, then fire them upfront.

And please come back for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

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