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Completely overwhelmed, not sure what to do next

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TS68 posted 8/7/2013 01:22 AM

It is three weeks until our 20 year wedding anniversary. We have 3 kids. I thought marriage was relatively easy, until now.
I do not have a DDay, because I still have no real proof of anything. Well, except for an EA, which my H would never admit matters, as long as it wasn't (isn't) a PA.

I have had a habit of reading my H's emails and texts, and I have regularly found lies of one sort or another. I have always felt he is a chronic liar, but the lies always seemed quite benign. I rarely called him out, bc I was afraid of losing my access to his tech gadgets. The text I read between him and a buddy, about "looking for a brunette with a big rack" made me concerned to say the least so my radar went way up, wondering if he was paying for sex. So as I worried about THAT, my real troubles began.

My H owns a business, in which he has a few sales guys and a secretary/inside sales person. Who is female. She had worked for him for a few years, got married, then had all sorts of marital problems then quit working for my H. He was furious when she quit, telling me all the time how crazy she was and what a loser she married and how she was always sick and so on and so on. I knew her, wasn't a fan of hers, thought she was a little flaky but never saw her as a threat.
About one year after she quit, he hired her back, newly divorced. He told me after he hired her back. I was angry... Why would he hire her back when he was so mad at her? He kept telling me that he was afraid I would "overreact" . I wasn't threatened, just wondered why if she was so unreliable and so much drama?

So fast forward to may of this year. Reading emails between them (on his phone) none anything much but " let's have lunch today" or OW: " are you mad at me?" H: "no, was just looking for a lunch date"

I DID confront him with this. Lunch DATE? His words, in print. He denied it and said it was a poor choice of words, they have to have lunch to discuss work

I was very upset at that point and showed him. But over the course of the next month he 1) took her to an industry golf outing which he lied about 2) more lunches 3) took her and one of his sales guys to dinner at our club, told me they were going but I could not make it due to some commitment with one of our kids and then came home super drunk very late 4) 2 days after that had an intestinal illness which prevented him from attending the other sales guys' wedding. I went alone, and she was a 'no show' ( I saw a txt from her as I was leaving asking if he was going, which was deleted when I returned from the lovely wedding)
5) this one put me to the edge: after all my drama asking him to stop the lunch dates, he proceeded to take her to a baseball game one afternoon with his season tic. Did not tell me of course. I read the email correspondence and found the other 2 leftover tickets in his car (they went alone). This one he denied until I proved it then he just explained it away,said he gave her all 4 tickets but she could not find anyone, he had to go, could not waste,, etc etc. I was quite hysterical at this point. H said "sorry" and rugswept. I cried and cried.
6) last, but not least, I did the VAR thing in his car and heard him (just 10 days ago) telling her, on their way to lunch of couse and office max, that he was going to build a bedroom for himself in our basement with a lock to get away from ME. And they laughed. And she sounded like "oh you poor poor thing" and they said some other things which I could not make out. So now he is telling her I am a raging crazy woman. And to me he says he doesn't discuss personal things.

Oh, BTW, somewhere in there very early on he manscaped. Completely out of character. Showed me and I was like WTF? I never asked you to do that!

So in an effort to wrap up this long story, I want to say I have done everything wrong. I have confronted him on EVERYthing within 24 hours of discovery bc I am terrible at keeping it in. He denied, then admitted to only what I knew, but insisted it was not sexual and that he loved me blah blah blah and then made me feel crazy when this whole thing turned me into a wreck.

So. I have left out some details, in the interest of time but, in the last several days he has been acting like a prince. We have been physically close and he more attentive. Saying he loves me and convincingly. I almost feel like forgetting it all but I cant. So trying to stay calm and allow things to play out. Am VERY afraid of the EA or whatever it is going underground.

Yes, she still works for him. No, I did not tell him about the VAR (one smart moment on my part). I told him he butt dialed me and it all ended up on my vm.

So, all you wonderful people out there, I need advice. Please, all input welcome!

kansas1968 posted 8/7/2013 01:37 AM

Well, I would just leave the VAR in place as long as you need to do so. At lot his actions sound pretty suspicious, but maybe your reactions have given him second thoughts considering how he has been treating you the last few days. Let's hope that is the case.

Or it could be that he is just trying to keep you from being suspicious. I know you are a mess worrying about this all of the time. I don't know which is worse, knowing for sure, or just having that uneasy feeling that something isn't right.

I would just be pleasant to him, but keep my radar on high-alert, and if you do get proof, then you will get plenty of advice on this site about how to proceed. If you keep confronting and he is having an affair, he will just take it underground. So, so, sorry you have to have this worry. It has to be horrible. Keep posting and take care of yourself.

Fireflies posted 8/7/2013 02:16 AM

I, too, am new to this whole thing and have no sage advice. I just wanted to offer you my thoughts and support.

pewpewpew posted 8/7/2013 16:57 PM

Keep the VAR in place.
Play nice for now. Let it go and act like you trust his word.

In the next few days - hold out on addressing anything - if you can.

He is not going to confess. He will lie and it WILL go underground if that is what's going on.

I so wish I had done this.
You will need solid proof since he is already gaslighting you.

emotionalgirl posted 8/7/2013 17:21 PM

Hi TS68. I just read your story and it may as well be mine. I have the same issue but my WH OW is a friend of his friend the lies are so convoluted even he can't remember the truth anymore. I made the same mistake confronted all in 24 hrs he denied then started covering his tracks better With cell phone etc. made me feel like the guilty party for checking up on him. I now have no access to his phone and this affair does not leave their little nest so I am in the dark with him still denying and saying I am crazy only my gut says I am not. Still trying to work through D day was this past Sunday. I saw IC today he see one tonight he would not go to MC so just floating along right now. Hope he will eventually agree to MC meanwhile I feel such relief coming here. I wish I had done spyware on phone when I had the chance now I just feel like I will make it worse if I do and can't get to cell anyway. Gather your proof if you need it and make your decisions with all the facts. I wish I had all the facts as right now it be said she said and I don't want to loose my marriage over maybe and might of. ((( hugs)))

TS68 posted 8/7/2013 23:32 PM

Thank you emotionalgirl. When we confront immediately it is because we cannot believe what we have just discovered. It is hard to believe and I was actually hoping for some quick explanation so that I could say " ah ha, that's it? Thank god, because you really had me freaked for a moment" It is difficult to accept another person can be so crass with our feelings, without the slightest remorse. I thought that once my H saw how hurt I became he would actually rethink his decisions. But not only did my H "gaslight" but he continued the behavior. Do you think that because these guys are used to spinning lies that they cannot understand our honest pain?

As far as keeping the VAR in place, I was so moved by listening to H trash our relationship to OW that it took me several days to try again. And when I did, I was on pins and needles all day in fear he would find it. He did not... And I turned up nothing that time. But I will struggle to try again, out of fear. Fear of what I might find and fear of him catching me spying. But I know that it is essential to get the real truth so that I can move forward with confidence.
All this is making me take my eye off all the things I cherish: my family friends, kids, life.
This is so unfair.

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