Or in my rear view. My H has engaged in EAs from before we were married. He has had PAs, on and off, for 2.5 years during our marriage. I am angry, hurt, and confused. I feel completely crushed. I apologize in advance about the length of this post. I just need to get it all out.
I found out about the affairs two days ago. I was getting some documents from the glove box of one of our cars; the car he has been driving lately. His sunglasses case fell out. I picked it up and noticed it was rather heavy. I opened it and found a cell phone. A cell phone he used in carrying out his affairs. A cell phone that contains phone calls and texts between H and five OW. From the texts it became apparent he slept with two of them.
I was so angry that I went inside and immediately demanded answers. At first he was in cover-his-ass mode. He tried to deny it was his phone, claimed a coworker left it in the car. But I already read the texts. He started pleading with me not to leave him, telling me how sorry he is for what he's done and that he'll do anything to try and fix this. I told him to tell me the truth. He admitted to cheating. I left and went to a friend's house.
Yesterday, I agreed to talk. I wanted to hear everything. The first affair started out as an EA with OW1. At the time, I was in the midst of writing my doctoral dissertation and he and I were planning our wedding (which took place seven months later). He says he felt unappreciated and stressed at that point in our relationship. He never once communicated any of these feeling to me. He claims OW1 was an escape from reality; a break from stress. She gave him the attention and ego stroking he craved. Three months before our wedding he purchased a prepaid cell phone to contact her.
The EA continued for over two years. It became a PA shortly after the birth of DS1, and it continued for seven months. He claims to have only slept with her a handful of times and that he always used protection. OW1 wanted more from their relationship and broke it off.
Roughly three months later, he and OW1 reconnected and resumed their PA. It continued for another 10 months. Again, she wanted more and pulled back. He then met OW2 and had a two month EA with her. At that point he and OW1 resumed the emotional component of their affair, no sexual contact. After four months, she again broke it off.
After that break up, he met OW3-5. The affair with OW3 was a two week PA and he slept with her three times. He claims he used protection with her as well. At the end of this past July, he met OW4 & 5, talking and texting with them up to and including the day I found the phone. On Aug 1st, OW1 contacted H and he continued texting with and talking to her until I found the phone.
I am completely floored by both the number of OW and the length of time the affair with OW1 occurred. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that our marriage has never been between just the two of us. He was always emotionally and/or physically involved with someone else. I feel like he is a complete stranger. He never expressed any feelings of dissatisfaction in our relatinship nor did he tell me that he felt unappreciated.
I don't understand why he married me at all. We were only engaged when the EA with OW1 began. He could've walked away then, before adding several years or marriage and two kids into the mix.
He says he loves me and our family. That he always wanted to be with me. That the OW were just distractions, he never had any feelings for them, and they never impacted his desire to spend the rest of his life with me.
He called each of them as I sat there and told them he loves his wife and family (they all knew about me), that he screwed up big time, and wanted to fix things with me. He then told them he'd never contact them again and that they were not to contact him.
I could hear OW1 screaming at him but he just cut her off and told her he wasn't going to have any further contact with her.
He continues to apologize profusely and swears this will never happen again. I don't know if I'll ever believe him. He is begging me to at least try and give him a chance to fix this. I'm worried that we are broken beyond repair. He is getting tested for STDs ( I already did this at my routine OB appt yesterday). He says he is going to start individual counseling. He asked me to attend marriage counseling with him. I agreed to attend. I know that no matter what the ultimate outcome, he and I are going to have to co-parent our boys. Clearly, there are massive communication issues in our relationship, of which I was completely unaware. I figure that at a minimum, marriage counseling can help us communicate better so we can co-parent effectively.
I have no idea what to do. Despite everything that he has done, I still deeply love my H. I cannot picture a life without him. But I have serious doubts I will be able to get past this. The thought of him with these Ow makes me physically ill. My emotional pain is so deep and raw. It's matched only by the anger I feel towards him. I have never before felt so lost.
If you've made it through the Lifetime movie that my life has become, I thank you. I welcome any and all thoughts, support, and advice. I wish everyone else here peace during his and her journeys.
[This message edited by Fireflies at 11:24 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]