Not sure if this relates, as I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what isn't making sense.
With regard to "being okay with myself" one thing I can share is that very early in my recovery from alcohol/substance abuse (nearly 19 years ago) a still sick PART of me didn't want to accept who and what I had become...and who I had to become to change and be healthy. My "still sick" part (the part still in denial) was making me sad, angry, depressed, resentful, and not self-accepting of my "trying to get well" part that was WANTING to change. In other words, sort of the part of me that wanted to keep using alcohol and drugs was fighting against the part of me that wanted to throw in the towel, get help, change, and recover.
Here on the wayward side of SI, could this be a part of you that is angry, sad, depressed and resentful that you have to give up your secrets, that you have to change to grow and reconcile, that you have to stop and cannot have another affair(s)?
Not accusing, maybe way off base, but I wanted to share this just in case it had any relevance.
I'm sorry for your unsettled feelings and struggles. I am an expert level digger of ruts, and personal resentment builder. I can get a Humvee stuck in a two inch by one inch rut, easy peasy. I hope you will find some peace.
Perhaps a walk or bike ride or calling a friend for a cup of coffee would help? Or tell your spouse you're struggling and ask for guidance. Good luck. JD
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]