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After every few days what has happened hits me very hard. Its on my mind 24 X 7. But still afte it feels like its hitting me all over again. Like I have just discovered all the information about myself!!!

I don’t really get it. I was living with it. Was planning to live with all my life without sharing it. I was extra careful about the secrets.

When it hits me like a ton of bricks with a thought ringing in my head – “Oh my god .. *I* did that. That was *me*.”

Doesn’t make any sense to me. If somebody cheats in the exam and that person comes to me and says that he cant believe he did that. I would be like but *YOU* did that din u?? How can it surprise u??

Oh god .. I m really struggling.

Yep. You did it. We all did. It's out of character but it happened. We were safe, then it happened. All of a sudden it is part of our character and we aren't safe.

How m I ever gonna be ok with myself? I dont see the light.

This shitstorm is so unnecessary n waste of time. I am angry, sad, depressed.

Tired.

This shitstorm is so unnecessary n waste of time.

If it was unnecessary and a waste of time, why cheat and create the storm in the first place?

EF, you are the bad guy. You have got to learn to accept that. And crap, it's hard to. Many of us had the "perfect life". And we were so dang broken, we couldn't see it. You think I wanted to admit that I was the cheater? Four times over to boot! You think I wanted to admit every time I left the house, I was a risk to the marriage? You think I wanted to admit to that precious man that I had betrayed him over and over?

I had to. I could never begin to heal and work thru this till I finally stood up and said, "Yep. I'm a cheater. I really did this. And it's not pretty. This is the real me. The whole ugly me. And this changes today."

How are you going to be ok with yourself? When you finally accept all of you. The good, the bad, the downright ugly. The whole you.

How m I ever gonna be ok with myself? I dont see the light.

Do the work to not be that person again.

Sit with these feelings and LET THEM GO. Accept it. It happened, you can't change that. But you can use this as a platform for growth.

Don't wallow in self pity.

Personally, I know how hard I'm working. I also know that if I don't have vigilance FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I could very easily be that person again.

I'm learning how not to be her. I'm learning how not to be broken. It's hard work, yet very rewarding.

(((EF)))

Not sure if this relates, as I'm having a bit of trouble understanding exactly what isn't making sense.

With regard to "being okay with myself" one thing I can share is that very early in my recovery from alcohol/substance abuse (nearly 19 years ago) a still sick PART of me didn't want to accept who and what I had become...and who I had to become to change and be healthy. My "still sick" part (the part still in denial) was making me sad, angry, depressed, resentful, and not self-accepting of my "trying to get well" part that was WANTING to change. In other words, sort of the part of me that wanted to keep using alcohol and drugs was fighting against the part of me that wanted to throw in the towel, get help, change, and recover.

Here on the wayward side of SI, could this be a part of you that is angry, sad, depressed and resentful that you have to give up your secrets, that you have to change to grow and reconcile, that you have to stop and cannot have another affair(s)?

Not accusing, maybe way off base, but I wanted to share this just in case it had any relevance.

I'm sorry for your unsettled feelings and struggles. I am an expert level digger of ruts, and personal resentment builder. I can get a Humvee stuck in a two inch by one inch rut, easy peasy. I hope you will find some peace.

Perhaps a walk or bike ride or calling a friend for a cup of coffee would help? Or tell your spouse you're struggling and ask for guidance. Good luck. JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Some people walk through the valley of the shadow of death because of circumstances beyond their control....

Others walk through the valley of the shadow death because they chose to get to close to the flames....

My BS fits into the first group.

As a wayward, I fit into the second one.

Since I made the choice to walk there, ultimately I get to decide how long I'm going to linger there too. So do you!

A betrayed spouse tends to struggle finding a way out of the valley, especially when the wayward decides to linger there longer than necessary.

God called me out of Death and into Life.... Who am I to refuse such an undeserved gift.

Thanks for the replies. I am still struggling. I have started a new thread.