It's been exactly one week since D-Day, and it's been really tough.
I recognise that there's a long road ahead, but today I'm feeling rather positive about things.
I know that my partner and I have to try and rebuild things from the bottom up, and I think we are both able to give that our all...
I know alot of the advice for me last week was to cut-and-run, as we are not married, but just because there have been no formal vows does not mean I am prepared to give up. We have been together 5.5 years, and have a mortgage together, so atleast in my mind, we were as good as... However, I think I may have taken this for granted.
I realised this morning that I've been looking at things the wrong way... I've been getting hung up on the wrong details... Instead of asking "Why is this happening to me?", I think I should start asking "Why did this happen now?". I want to identify what went wrong, and how to make sure it never happens again...
Yes, she fucked up. Really fucked up. And I'm not able to forgive her yet, but I do want to start trying to. The longer I dwell on things, the more suffering I put myself through. Although the affair is 100% on her, 50% of the relationship is on me. And that means 50% of a failing relationship is on me. Just because I didn't realise the ship was sinking, doesn't mean that it wasn't happening. Maybe I just didn't want to see...
She's currently floating between staying with her parents, and her sister, but I'm thinking about trying to set up some sort of weekly date night to try and reaquaint ourselves with one another.
I'm in the process of trying to set up counselling for myself (then us as a couple), so I can try and sort my head out. I don't want to make her cry every time I see her, just because I get pissed off and ask the wrong questions, or get hung up on the wrong details.
It's been a week, and I'm already sick of crying, sick of being angry. Sick of blaming myself, or her (I'll blame the OM as long as I see fit, so long as I don't do anything stupid... There have been moments where I desperately wanted blood, and there will be again. But I'm glad I've had the control not to act so far)for things that cannot be changed. She strikes me as sincere with her remorse, so surely it's best to tackle the problem early, rather than let it fester?
I still have problems sleeping, and I'm haunted by images of them together, but that's something that I hope counselling can help with.
I want to be close to her again, but I don't want to leave any stone unturned, and any problem unaddressed. Even the one's we don't know are hiding there.
I genuinely believe that we can beat this together.
Please forgive my ramblings, but I needed to get them off my chest somehow.
Now, if only I could find a way to allow myself back into the livingroom...
