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Newest Member: Newgem (61508)

User Topic: How do I get through work?
♀ 30015
Member # 30015
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband had a PA in 2010 - we reconciled and I just caught him in an EA scheduled to become a PA next weekend. The first time we went through this, I was a stay at home mom, so I didn't have to try and make it thru work. This time around,I work full time and I am having a very difficult time concentrating on my work and being successful. I have a position that I really need to keep and there is a tremendous amount of responsibility/duties that I normally have no problem being successful out. Now, I can barely manage to answer my phone. I have never been fearful for my job and the executive team at work has done nothing but thank me for the job that I do over the past 6 months since I joined the company. I do not want to confide in anybody at work because I am afraid that will have people on alert, just looking to see if I drop the ball on anything. I work with no direct oversight (I have 40 reports at my location)...I also can not take vacation because I just took the last 2 weeks of July off for a a vacation and the company simply can not afford for me to be out again.

Any suggestions/tips? I would appreciate it so much!

Posts: 137 | Registered: Nov 2010
♂ 40142
Member # 40142
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ladybug, I'm sorry you're going through this...

I would strongly recommend letting your line-manager in the office know what you're going through (No specific details, just that you're going through a tough spot outside of work). Even if you cannot take the time off, having someone there that's aware of what you're going through might help ease some of the pressure.

I know exactly how hard it is to keep performing at work after this, as I am struggling with the same thing. But letting my boss know was a great help. I'm not saying to ask for special treatment, but knowing that someone there understands your situation is a bit of a morale boost.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
♂ 36004
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my manager. I was worthless for a while. I still did what I had to but couldn't manage much more.

His sister was going through something similar and knew what a toll it takes. He was fine with everything.

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat as you ladybug. I'm in a prominent position and if I slack off, it will be visible to a lot of people.

I'm going through the motions as best as I can, putting on a straight face and plowing through it.

The 180 recommendations are also good to put in place and have helped me understand that I need to be strong to myself. Be strong and remember, you didn't do this to you.

Good luck

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 96 | Registered: Aug 2013
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I coped by programming myself to turn off all my marital difficulties when I opened my office door and I did not allow myself to think of my WH at anytime during working hours.

I used the old snapping elastic band trick and made sure it was painful; either way my subconscious got the hint and I got through the day successfully with out disciplinary problems, crying bouts etc. When I got home it was release time....

Posts: 2062 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♀ 31765
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not feel safe at all letting anyone at work know, other than a couple coworkers that we each "had our backs". And these were all squeezed out. I miss them very much, they too were BS's earlier in their lives. The environment had already proved it was looking to eliminate older staff and hire new (lower starting salaries). I think I was not squeezed out due to part time salary.

The management and the newer younger staff know nothing about what I've been thru. Was and am afraid they'd pinpoint any thing they see fit to start harassing me. They have eliminated many many staff and it was very stressful losing all my coworkers.

I think being new does put you in a difficult position. For support, I talked with my sister for months everyday on the phone, had IC, and had one coworker close friend. Safe and trustworthy are the main things to consider. I was very vulnerable to the " you must have done something to deserve it" or people treating me like I've got a scarlet letter on my forehead. Not a good feeling and something I still feel some people I know act out. So many think you're just supposed to "be over it". Not.

Just giving you some thoughts. Good luck.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Apr 2011
♀ 31765
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladybug, I also thought of something else. My profession demands I'm extremely "on" and no room for errors. So due to the effects of the horrible stress after Dday and beyond, yes it's very difficult to work. I found it helped to work extra the first year. I was able to immerse myself; I see many people everyday and it takes extreme focus for what I do. I had mind movies at some of the worst moments at work, but otherwise being busy with everyone at work really helped alot. After getting home was my problem.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Apr 2011
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not tell my direct report (chairman of my department) because I have very little interaction with him. I did tell, however, the clinical administrator who would have been the one to go to him with complaints about my performance. Luckily for me not only was the administrator supportive but I found out she had been a BS also in her first marriage (I didn't know that) and is the one who got me an IC. She also was fWS administrator and let fWS know she was WATCHING her and OW (ho-worker).

Me: BS 48
Her: FWS 51 (both family med MDs; together 21 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 3006 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two suggestions for you.
1. If you work for a big company and it sounds like you do, you need to get FMLA paperwork filled out and filed. Do it for intermitent leave for care of self or a family member. This protects you from the issues of having to miss a day here and there when it becomes too much.
If your company has an Crisis/EAP program consider using it.

2. Try to immerse yourself in your work, and make that a period of time where you don't think about it/or communicate with your spouse. This helped me tremendously. It also helped to give me the mental break I needed, and allowed me to gain some perspective.

Sorry that you are in this tough spot.

(((and strength )))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13284 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 36597
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Work can be a big help since it can be a distraction from home life.

I ended up telling a few close coworkers and my boss, but I have been at the company for years. If I was new at the job, I don't know if I would have told anyone.

Try to focus as best you can. you will survive this no matter what.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a very difficult time concentrating on my work and being successful

This is completely normal. It is hard to be "on" when you have so much trauma consuming your ever waking thought.

Just give yourself a break. If your boss is understanding, which it sounds as if he/she is, then simply let them know that you are dealing with some personal issues and that you have no intent of allowing for it to interfere with your work but you wanted to let him know in case you appear upset.

This will usually go a long way so they give you a little leeway during this time.

It's tough. I don't know how I still have my job quite honestly because for a year after DDay, I functioned at 40% at best. I confided in my boss and my assistant and both were great at keeping me moving when needed and helping to cover for my inability to get things done.

Take it one day at a time. Do the best you can.

Sorry this happened to you again. How are you doing with regards to your marriage?

Sending hugs

Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for

Posts: 3319 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered the affair on a Friday night, and came into work Monday morning - because of course it was the busiest time in my work life and I could NOT miss a day. Not an option. I walked in, sat next to my boss, she took one look at my face and said, "he's having an affair." So I didn't have to worry about telling her.

That said, you just... manage. When I felt myself losing it I would find a quiet corner of a stairwell to quietly cry in. Try to take some breaks during the day to let the emotions out. And then focus as hard as you can on your job. I was utterly scorched earth at work those last few weeks. I was very successful, but had some relationships to repair afterward.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 8531
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is tough, really tough to continue to work full time while going through this.

1. Acknowledge and accept that it will be difficult;

2. Just plow through it, day by day, minute by minute;

3. Look at work as a distraction from your everyday problems, not another layer of problems;

4. Remember, that most companies now track internet usage, so try to control any urges to use the computer for personal use during work times.

You'll get through this, just take it one step at a time.

Oh, and be careful who you confide in, it could come back to bite you.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8164 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too struggle with focusing at work.

It has gotten a little better. Coworkers are very supportive and cover my but.

I do try, memory is shot, so I write lists for myself and update everyday, I even write lists about what I have done, so that I don't do it twice!

I still struggle but it isn't as painful.

A walk outside seems to help. Focusing on just one task at a time. Rewarding myself after every completed task, like a 5 minute peak at SI.

Reminding myself that I need the $$ helps me to come back to reality when I feel like I just don't care.

Well after rereading this, I still have a long way to go.

I wish us both a speedy focus.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3324 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry, and I know what you are going through. Fortunately I am in a profession (higher education) that permitted me to take a significant amount of leave so I could make it through the hardest parts. (It wiped out my accrued sick leave, however.)

I am returning to work in two weeks. I have some trepidation about it: will I be able to deliver effectively back-to-back lectures every day without breaking down or at least losing concentration?

But I know that it will be the best therapy for me. Consistent mental distraction is absolutely needed. So much time in my head it turned out is NOT good for me. And I often wonder if it wasn't such a good idea after all to take so much time from work. I almost see it as a "victory" for my STBXWW--that she had that power over me.

If it turns out that I am indeed still emotionally agitated at work, well, I have fifteen minutes between classes. I will go to my office and cry, breathe, whatever. And then I'll jump back in.

Take breaks. Close your eyes for a few minutes and congratulate yourself for having the strength to actually get up and go to work--to keep going through life, even if you feel you are only going through the motions for now.

I resolve to out an empowering "spin" on it, and I recommend you do too: She/He WON'T have that power over me. I worked hard to have a great career, and they WILL not mess with that.

Strength to both of us.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 2066 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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