"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
No, I am not going to send it. I am just having so many conversations in my head that I thought maybe getting it out in the world might get it out of my head.
I call you that as opposed to other woman because one of the things that I have learned from h is that you could have been anyone, there was nothing amazing or special about you. You just filled a hole in him and anyone willing would have sufficed.
You once texted me that "you and I both know I am not the problem". I actually agree, you weren't the problem, you were only a symptom. As with any illness, once the cause is treated the symptoms go away, become irrelevant.
Also, your pathetic email to my h, regarding your "being super fuckable in this bed", screams to me of a woman whose low self esteem and confidence causes her to beg for validation.
H has told me so much about you and the pain in your life that I can almost have sympathy for you.
He told me of the prostitutes that your husband engaged with and your devastation when you found out. How you couldn't cope and could not work and had to have a friend come to pick up the pieces.
I can't really have sympathy for you because I know that you understand the devastation of betrayal and chose to be a party to it.
Not only chose to be a party to it once, but multiple times.
The ones that I am truly sympathetic to are your sons. They have to deal with your divorce from their father. Do they know why? Kids are much more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for.
I don't know if you are aware of how lucky you have been for the lack of consequences. I am not talking about internal consequences because I don't know if you have the capacity for self examination. I don't believe that you do only because h told me about your confessing to your priest about your previous "sin".
When I talk about lucky, I am talking about the acts of retribution that a betrayed wife might feel justified in committing.
The first betrayed wife may not have found out or, like me she has self respect and compassion.
I do not have true compassion for you but I do for your innocent sons. Have you ever considered the damage that it would cause them, your relationship with them if your actions were known? Maybe you just don't value them enough to care.
For me, if I had engaged in your behavior, I would be so ashamed if my sons knew that I were capable of this. If they knew that I valued myself so little that I would become involved with a married man. That I had such little compassion for others and could inflict such pain for such selfish gain. That I was a hypocrite.
H has told me about your dream of your perfect life, the life that your parents had. Was your parents marriage based on lies, cheating, deception and cruelty?
You will never find that perfect life with a married man.
You must realize that in order for a man to be unfaithful to his wife, there are problems within him.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a li