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My letter to ow

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cantaccept posted 8/7/2013 09:58 AM

No, I am not going to send it. I am just having so many conversations in my head that I thought maybe getting it out in the world might get it out of my head.


I call you that as opposed to other woman because one of the things that I have learned from h is that you could have been anyone, there was nothing amazing or special about you. You just filled a hole in him and anyone willing would have sufficed.

You once texted me that "you and I both know I am not the problem". I actually agree, you weren't the problem, you were only a symptom. As with any illness, once the cause is treated the symptoms go away, become irrelevant.

Also, your pathetic email to my h, regarding your "being super fuckable in this bed", screams to me of a woman whose low self esteem and confidence causes her to beg for validation.

H has told me so much about you and the pain in your life that I can almost have sympathy for you.

He told me of the prostitutes that your husband engaged with and your devastation when you found out. How you couldn't cope and could not work and had to have a friend come to pick up the pieces.

I can't really have sympathy for you because I know that you understand the devastation of betrayal and chose to be a party to it.

Not only chose to be a party to it once, but multiple times.

The ones that I am truly sympathetic to are your sons. They have to deal with your divorce from their father. Do they know why? Kids are much more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for.

I don't know if you are aware of how lucky you have been for the lack of consequences. I am not talking about internal consequences because I don't know if you have the capacity for self examination. I don't believe that you do only because h told me about your confessing to your priest about your previous "sin".

When I talk about lucky, I am talking about the acts of retribution that a betrayed wife might feel justified in committing.

The first betrayed wife may not have found out or, like me she has self respect and compassion.

I do not have true compassion for you but I do for your innocent sons. Have you ever considered the damage that it would cause them, your relationship with them if your actions were known? Maybe you just don't value them enough to care.

For me, if I had engaged in your behavior, I would be so ashamed if my sons knew that I were capable of this. If they knew that I valued myself so little that I would become involved with a married man. That I had such little compassion for others and could inflict such pain for such selfish gain. That I was a hypocrite. You are lucky that I am above seeking vengeance at the expense of the innocent. If you continue seeking out married men you may not continue to be so fortunate. You could encounter a spouse that is so enraged that they don't even consider the innocent parties that would be hurt. Like I said you are fortunate that I unlike you, have compassion and self respect.

H has told me about your dream of your perfect life, the life that your parents had. Was your parents marriage based on lies, cheating, deception and cruelty?

You will never find that perfect life with a married man.

You must realize that in order for a man to be unfaithful to his wife, there are problems within him. He could be a habitual cheater, do you want that? He may be unable to resolve conflict, do you think this is healthy? Don't you want a man that is capable of being faithful? Capable of being honest? Capable of dealing with problems in an authentic and healthy way? A man that is cheating on his wife is none of these things. Do you not think that you deserve more?

I wonder if you have never recovered from your exhusbands infidelity. It really has no effect on me, but I know the pain and wonder if you still carry that. All I can say is, heal yourself and maybe someday you will find that perfect life.

A few other thoughts that I wanted to share with you. Think it is important and might make you look at how you are degrading yourself.

The nights when h did not respond to you, he was with me. You see, he was cheating on you too.

Unprotected sex!!! Are you crazy? You are a nurse, I would think you would think of the consequences of this at least. You may have thought you knew him, I don't know how you thought that, it had only been a couple of months, but, you did not know me. How can you be sure that I was not having unprotected sex with others, you had no clue. As they say, when you have sex with someone, you have sex with everyone they have been with. Makes you want to get tested now doesn't it?

In conclusion, my life with h is actually better than it has ever been. Because he hit his bottom (being with you) recognized what he was losing (me, an honest, loving and moral woman), recognized that by changing his behavior we could have the type of marriage that you can only fantasize about.

He is being kind, not drinking, talking with me by the hour. We talk openly about everything now and we both are so grateful that we are going to be able to love each other for the rest of our lives. He is my first priority and I am his.

He is a changed man. I honestly didn't think he was capable of being so loving and emotionally giving. It is an amazing transformation.

We are rediscovering so many things about each other and learning new things every day. We are closer, emotionally, intellectually and physically than ever before.

What h and I have found, you will never achieve through lies and deception.

cantaccept posted 8/7/2013 10:11 AM

This is the finished version! Wish I know how to get rid of the first. I hit send by accident.

LosferWords posted 8/7/2013 10:11 AM

I'll move my reply to your other one to this thread, and alert the mods to the duplicate post. No worries.

LosferWords posted 8/7/2013 10:12 AM

Nicely done, cantaccept.

I like how you explicitly referred to OW as "Anywoman", but then later implied that your H to her could have basically been "Anyman".

You are obviously a very compassionate person when it comes to kids, too.

ETA: I read through the last part of your letter, and I thought it was very empowering and positive at the same time. Great work!

[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:18 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

cantaccept posted 8/7/2013 10:23 AM

Thank you LosferWords.

2married2quit posted 8/7/2013 10:25 AM

oh the things we would say. I just wish I could, but what's the point at this junction? Satisfaction I suppose.

cantaccept posted 8/7/2013 10:27 AM

I can't believe how good it feels to get this out.

It does feel empowering.

She was so condescending to me when I was so shattered, I have always wished that I had been capable of responding from a place of strength.

It still angers me when I think of the things she texted to me, that she thought contacting me was acceptable behavior. I see now that it came from he insecurity, I was a threat, and rightly so!

jumabl posted 8/7/2013 10:31 AM

I too wish I could have words with the woman that was very intrusive and came to OUR house to out him.
But in the end it is not worth giving her the satisfaction.
We also are much closer than we were, but reading your letter has prompted me to do the same. Thank you for the healing idea.

cantaccept posted 8/7/2013 11:00 AM

I would love to be able to send this in real life.

I know that it wouldn't really bring me any satisfaction.

As my IC says, by her actions and words, she has shown how shallow and cold she is.

I can only be grateful that I am not her. That I have the strength of character to rise above this and not try to find comfort by inflicting pain on others.

I can look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I am.

I would still love to send it though!

TrustGone posted 8/7/2013 11:11 AM

Very well written. I love the part about anywoman. It is so true. If only they knew that was the case. I did get to talk to the OW since she outted the A to me. She made it sound like they were soulmates. I was so devastated and in shock at the time that I didn't say everything I wanted to say. I did however tell her that she could have him and that if he cheated on me, then he would cheat on her too. I guess now that he has thrown her under the bus she knows that she was just used. I know she must be pathetic because she keeps trying to break NC. Only a broken person would still want someone that treated her that way.

cantaccept posted 8/11/2013 04:28 AM

Would you send this???

isadora posted 8/11/2013 06:06 AM

I wrote a letter to OW. Never sent it. I would open it up to add to it for awhile, it helped get the poison out and get her out of my head. If she is remorseful, she gets it. If she isn't she won't get it. Either way NC is best.

AML04 posted 8/11/2013 06:24 AM

I would LOVE to send a letter like this. It is perfect. It brought tears to my eyes.
However, if you read my "texted OW" post, I know none of it would get through. It's because she lacks compassion that she wouldn't get any of it.
It really just makes me sad that there are people out there like that. My H knows what he did was horrible and devastating. At least I can take comfort in that. And that he sees her now for who she truly is.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/11/2013 08:26 AM

Would you send this???

Yes. I stand on the side that every single case is different, and in some cases that I read about including this one, based on what understanding I have of the situation, yes I would send it. I think it is often empowering for the BS.

I read something like this quite often on SI:

But in the end it is not worth giving her the satisfaction.
I actually think this is a myth. I don't think most OW get a tremendous satisfcation out of having it rubbed in that they were a "hole" to be filled, could have been almost anyone: immoral and willing, be reminded they have no morals, and didn't care about the effects on their children, and in the end, they were dumped with a thud like yesterday's garbage.

Now for the ones that end up with the WS, I would say they "might" get satisfaction, because sometimes they look at the whole thing as a competition and they might feel they "won" and tell themselves the BS is a sore loser. But they can't say that in the case where they were the one dumped and I think it would be only the most seriously depraved OWs that get satisfaction out of it.

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