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Nicnac posted 8/7/2013 10:09 AM

First, can anyone point me in the direction of the 180 information? I know ive seen it but I can't find it again!

Second, would you use the 180 if you feel like your WH is being remorseful?

Backstory: OW outed my WH. Physical affair lasting about 1 month. He had an emotional affair with multiple girls just short of a year ago. I still don't think he has taken full responsibility for that, but he did stop them immediately. Things were good for a while, and then he did it again and this time it bece physical.

He was immediately remorseful. He started IC right away and agreed to MC. He has been open and honest and doing everything he can to show me that he loves me and is sorry.

Until I start to feel better. As soon as I found out about the A I lost interest in doing things for my H. Simple things like cooking and cleaning. I stopped using pet names. We agreed we wanted to be together. I stressed that I still loved him, but had no desire to do anything for him. Those small little things, to me were acts of kindness and love. He understood and did them all himself. Things were going really well and I started to do some of those things again. And then all the stuff he did to show his remorse and the "I'm sorry"s stopped.

I kind if went backwards yesterday and he moved forward again. I did nothing and he expressed his remorse.

So is the 180 applicable here? When the WS is intermittently remorseful?

Schilling posted 8/7/2013 11:08 AM

180 info:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

RyeBread posted 8/7/2013 11:10 AM

So is the 180 applicable here? When the WS is intermittently remorseful?

I would think that true remorse wouldn't be intermittant. Sounds like he knew all the right things to say and do to make you feel better about what he did. There may be more digging he needs to do with himself in IC to get to the bottom of why he continuously betrayes you.

Here is the 180 info you asked about.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

I am very sorry for what you are going through. You can make it through this.

ETA - Looks like Schilling beat me to it

[This message edited by RyeBread at 11:10 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

ArableSands posted 8/7/2013 11:18 AM

I'll throw this out there as well, from someone who is in an...uncommon betrayal situation:

Sometimes a 180 is NOT appropriate for one's circumstances. Things can get complicated. Use your own judgment, or get some on-the-ground advice from a friend of the marriage that knows what you do.

Nicnac posted 8/7/2013 11:55 AM

Thanks for the links!

I fear that the 180 will make him think I don't care about him or that i dint want to work on our marriage and he will leave. I'm not ready to give up on this yet.

His self-esteem is very low. He says she made him feel wanted, that she just wanted him so badly and that is why he did it. He doesn't say I didn't make him feel this way. He in no way blames me, he take full responsibility. He admits that everything was (mostly) good at home and he doesn't know why he would feel the need to be wanted by someone else. hopefully that is worked out in IC.
I just don't think he understands the depth of what he did.

I'll read through the 180. Maybe there are parts I can use. Maybe i can try a 120 for now.

tushnurse posted 8/7/2013 12:44 PM

Despite what some people believe the 180 is to protect you, and help you find center, and get strong. It isn't to wake him up, it isn't to chase him away. It isn't to get him to be more understanding of your pain and be remorseful (although this can be a side effect).

It sounds like from what you have described that he is more "Sorry for himself" than being truly remorseful. He is the only one that can change that. You can't make him fully embrace it, you can help him understand that his betrayal has hurt you to the core, and that you need to protect yourself, thus the 180.

I remember early on I was afraid to try it because I was so terribly afraid that would send him to the OW's waiting arms. Like your H my H was wanting to R, he was even understanding at my grief, and answered all my questions. He was usually supportive, but every once in a while I would get the "I'm never going to have any privacy" "When will you get over this" "Will you ever trust me" BS. That was usually met with me being closer to the truth of broken NC, or lies.
Honestly I was too weak to do it.
My point is he is broken, and until he fixes that he will be likely to repeat the behaviors again. So you have to decide if he is remorseful, or just feeling sorry for himself. If he really really gets it, then 180 is not for you. If not then you may want to give it a try, to at the minimum protect you.