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Doing things "right" is tough

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traildad posted 8/7/2013 10:10 AM

Small vent...

I am handling my NB in what I feel is the "right" way. I am keeping things consistent for the kids, building a routine for them. I am in no hurry to seriously date and introduce the kids to anyone new, they have had enough to deal with. Even then, I plan to be extremely careful about who I bring around them. We are only 7 months out from the D being final. The kids have had 4 different homes in just over a year, etc. They are all under 7.

Meanwhile, xWW has had two BFs, and recently got a new townhouse and moved in with one she has only been with for six months, she didn't even take a day to mourn our M or family.

So here's my vent...I have done things the "right" way and here I am broke, working hard to care for 3 children alone and give them the love and attention they deserve, while balancing a job, etc. I live in a tiny little condo, I am working hard to pay off debts, etc. Meanwhile, she now has two adults and two incomes in her household. They have time and money to do leisure activities with the kids, they bought a nice new SUV, got a new townhouse, etc. The kids are starting to prefer going there instead of my little place where we mostly walk to parks and read for a year I took care of them nearly full time while she checked out on them. Now she gets to live the good life and enjoy them while I battle every day to get by. Yet she created this whole situation. I could run out and shack up with the next person that comes along to have the benefits of a two adult two income household...but that's not right.

I am not normally one to feel self-pity, and this will only last a day or two and I will be back on the positive roll, but I just had to vent. Thanks for listening.

PowerGlo posted 8/7/2013 10:18 AM

Hey TrailDad, all I can say is I hear you. I feel the same way and even spoke about this with my IC. It's tough to always being doing the right thing but remember that's who you are. It's easy to do the wrong things. It takes a good man and tough work to do the right things. You'll have yours...

lieshurt posted 8/7/2013 10:29 AM

I think many of us can empathize with you. Sometimes it really sucks to see your exwh having a great time while you make the sacrifices. In my case, my ex wasn't living it up, but he was enjoying a responsibility free life...including no job. I handled everything. The few times he's seen my son he tried to be "fun dad". He tried to make me out to be a bad mom to everybody. It didn't work.

Ten years after the divorce and I wouldn't change a thing. My son is 16 now. He has nothing to do with his dad. My son knows I've got his back. He knows that I'm here whenever he needs to talk. He shares his ups and downs with me. I get the hugs and the "I love you's". I'm the one that gets to celebrate his successes with him and be there for the failures. My ex gets to share in nothing. It really sucks to be him now....what a shame.

cmego posted 8/7/2013 11:17 AM

I am in the same situation as you. My ex walked away from the bomb he dropped, and waltzed into a "perfect" life. He has a partner with a great job (i.e....tons of money), finished his PhD, has a great job, only sees his kids e/o weekend...the rest of the time he parties/plays/travels, having the time of his life.

Meanwhile, I'm at home with two small children, in school full time, working my tail off to give them a decent life. I haven't successfully dated anyone in close to 3 years. When the kids are gone, I'm either volunteering or studying or walking my dog.

The therapists all say that in the long run, they will understand I am their rock. The good and responsible parent. They will understand my sacrifices and see their Dad for who he is.

For now, I just have to put up with "Disney Dad" and know I'm being "me". Life isn't fair sometimes, but I know, if nothing else, I'm being true to myself.

One day, I hope to meet someone who sees my strengths and appreciates me for them. For now, I'm raising my children and furthering my education.

broken2 posted 8/7/2013 12:05 PM

First off, hats off to you traildad! You said it yourself,

I could run out and shack up with the next person that comes along to have the benefits of a two adult two income household...but that's not right.

You can look in the mirror and not have to look away in shame!! I applaud you for this.

Now secondly, no it's not easy or sometimes even fun. Your tired, your low on funds, your patience is running thin, but you see your children, and you are with them. The laundry runs high, there is no milk in the house,.. and that all may be true, but in the end,... in the bloody end, you will know (as you know now) you are doing everything to give them love, support, stability and to be there for them! They will know, if not already that you will always have their back.

A lot of kids are easily mesmerized by "stuff" and whatever money can buy that's cool or "in" as preteens and teens . They always come back to the simple and constant and what will always be there. They always remember the times on the couch with dad and the book and talking about everything and nothing at all. That's whats important and they will get it, if not already.

Okay sure, they have the coolest gadgets and gizmos when they go to mom's BUT, do they REALLY have a relationship with her??? Do they talk? Does she know what makes them tick like you? I would bet my last dollar and say absolutely not!

So, keep doing what you're doing. Is it easy? No, but in the end you ARE doing what's right and you CAN look yourself in the mirror and instead of having to look away in shame you can smile and say I am doing the best that I can, and my best is good enough, because I'm doing a great job!

traildad posted 8/7/2013 14:44 PM

The laundry runs high, there is no milk in the house,.. and that all may be true

^^ Very true!!

Thanks everyone. I know that better days will come, and doing things "right" has a better reward down the road. But still, there are days where caring for three young children alone can just overwhelm me...thanks SI friends for the pick me up.

courageous posted 8/7/2013 19:10 PM

I understand how you feel. I supported my exwh and helped pay for his education. He was a very vacant parent while we were married. Now that we are divorced he is Disney dad, giving the kids everything they want, sweets every day, eating out all the time. He has the mistress around the kids all the time. He makes 6 figures while I make less than what he pays in child support. Add into the fact they both make around the same amount and I will never ever compare with them. Of course I can't compare with his one income alone.

The kids will remember the stability and feeling safe with me (and with you). It may seem fun like now but it will get old and when they really need help or a shoulder to cry on.... It will be you the turn to. Just hold onto that for now.

kernel posted 8/7/2013 20:06 PM

The therapists all say that in the long run, they will understand I am their rock. The good and responsible parent. They will understand my sacrifices and see their Dad for who he is.

I can vouch for this. My X is doing the same as yours, living the high life, traveling, living the "perfect life" while I live paycheck to paycheck. What he's missing is a real relationship with our kids. My kids (all adults) come to me for anything real. We talk about their real feelings and problems and they ask my advice about anything important. Him - it's all surface. As my youngest DD says - "I don't talk about anything with him." They don't trust him and they don't respect him. You know what? I can't even gloat about that because it just hurts my heart for their sake. I wouldn't trade places - what I have is worth far more than money.

Like everything else, it takes time for this to develop. Your kids are so young. Unfortunately, they will learn the hard way that you're the one they can rely on. Hang in there.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:08 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Griefstricken25 posted 8/7/2013 23:44 PM

I hear ya! I do all the work of parenting and providing stability and security for my kidlets. Dear old sperm donor comes in for a 10 day visit after not seeing the kids for 2.5 years, and now, he's all they can talk about. He's the be-all, end-all. And then he flies off to his home on the other side of the world, also with two incomes, zero kid responsibility, and can do as he likes and travel as he likes, and buy new cars, etc, etc.

It sucks. But the stability and security we give our kids will far outweigh all that. I have to believe it. People with integrity do the right thing, even if it's never recognized. You're a good man, traildad.

torn2bits posted 8/8/2013 11:44 AM

I have to concur! Just keep doing what your doing. My STBX is living in the house with the swimming pool, etc. The kids have their own room there, a rec room and everything. I live in a small condo.

What my children see is the home cooked meals when he takes them out to eat all the time, whenever they need something for school; I actually buy it and so much more.

Our view can sometimes be very different than what our kids feel. The only way to tell is the smiles on their face.

All you can do is your best and sounds like you have been doing that!

tesla posted 8/9/2013 13:16 PM

I know what you mean. It's so hard to play both mom and dad roles. It's hard to keep the house going, work, and make sure the kiddos are getting what they need.

It sucks when I watch ex-shat take Teslet on the grand Disney vacation...and what have I got in comparison? A trip out to relatives and a campout with a highschool team that I coach. Yeah, doesn't really compare in my adult mind...but...I took Teslet to a little amusement park while I was at my folks'. (A small water park with a few roller coasters...nothing super amazing, but reasonably priced for a day of fun.) You know what Teslet said while we were walking around, "Wow...this is just like Disneyworld."

Okay, it's NOTHING close to Disneyworld. But to his 4 year old brain, it was fabulous. And the campout? Jeez, you would have thought that he died and went to heaven. And we didn't do anything there but sleep in a tent, make breakfast for the team, and hit the camp playground and beach.

I cannot afford what ex-shat can afford. I cannot afford the glam and the glitz, the shock or the awe. But stability, happiness, wonder, joy? I got that shit in spades and it doesn't cost me a dime. I hope that experiences with those things will give Teslet a better foundation to build his life on than what ex-shat gives him.

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