SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was watching a TV show this morning (Private Practice), and the therapist advised a man to not confess that he cheated because she said that confessing is a selfish way for the cheater to relieve his own guilt. She advised that if he knew he wanted to continue the relationship, he should keep the guilt inside and not confess.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I feel like the BS should have the right to make the decision of whether to stay or go with all the knowledge, and that the WS should confess if he respects her. But, I can also kind of see the point of view that confessing just relieves the WS's guilt while causing a ton of pain to the BS. My WS confessed, so this show got me thinking about it.

I loved the first season of that shows, but it's getting hard to watch now that this is a subject on it.

Anyway... Thoughts?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:47 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

It's common advice, and very flawed.

An affair left secret constitutes lying by omission, every single moment of every single minute of every single hour of every single day of every single year.

The secrets and lies erect an impenetrable barrier to the emotional intimacy necessary for a healthy marriage.

Trust me on this. My husband kept an affair secret for over a dozen years. Did I suspect? Yes. But ultimately, I let it go---things were "good." Only we never--not once, not fleetingly, NEVER---again experienced anything resembling closeness in our marriage. (Obviously, my barometer of what was "good" changed dramatically. It changed as I started believing the subtle messages about ME, and the shortcomings that made this man so miserable.)

(About a dozen and a half years later, it was confirmed that he is personality disordered and not really capable of true intimacy; even so, the difference pre- and post- infidelity secrets was astonishing. And decimating.)

I spent those intervening years wondering what was wrong with me---what had changed in me that made it so onerous to spend time with me, talk to me, be with me, have sex with me.

The real issue is that there were secrets and lies between us.

And those secrets and lies were more important than me, our marriage, our family.

I never learned what those secrets were, except very superficially. There is no way I could have ever established a genuine, intimate marriage again (assuming he was capable, which it turns out, he was not).

And I don't think anyone ---regardless of his/her spouse's mental wellness---can re-establish emotional intimacy when there are still lies and secrets.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:08 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Yea that's bullshit. I wanted to know the depth of the A. It's only fair so.the bs can make a decision as to R. I mean my ws confessed to sexting, pix, inappropriate behavior on DD. If I had a clue that it is so much deeper than that, I prob wouldn't have tried to R. I mean 8yrs from the time I got suspicious, 4yrs from DD and he still can't cut her loose. I had no idea what I was dealing with. Why, because he minimized the R. It's do unfair and just fucked up

I thought I caught it in time, before they had feelings for each other, I didn't know it had already happened. So confessing would have helped me make a more informed decision.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:36 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

My experience is quite different from solus' and ostrich's, but honesty seems like the basis of the M I want, too - no lies, either of omission or commission.

Besides, a WS who hides her cheating is vulnerable to spilling the beans inadvertently or to having the ap or friend of the ap show up at a bad time.

Truth can hurt, but a lie that explodes hurts way, way more. JMO, of course.

But I sure wish my W could have kept her A between her therapist and herself.... Oops, I forgot. ow showed up on our doorstep on D-Day...I suspect she would have happily spilled the beans if I had been clueless.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:39 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

From someone's tag line:

"I'd rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie."

I live this. He hasnt confessed. The real bomb is if you find out way later anyway. After years of thinking you might be crazy, or you might be at fault, or you drive him to be this way, you learned he was not only cheating, but lying everyday, letting you feel bad about yourself. ANd I have to believe that if they cheated, and never got caught they would eventually do it again. Even way later. ANd the relationship could not be good with this secret between you. I believe his dishonestly would grow, lies turn into more lies, that turn into more lies. Then its easy., This is my fear. It seems to be his pattern.

This is a hard topic.

The A was not told initially to me by Nearly ExH and I will never forget that detail.

It came up during false R and he actually told me, to my face, "I'm glad OW told you, because I don't think I ever would." He would not face me eye to eye when this statement was made, either.

TT followed and still I learn something "new", but as I said, not hearing it from him hurt.

It's also my two cents opinion that it's cowardly to not confess and causes it's own slew of problems.

P.S. It makes me sad to see how much of tv is to do with affairs.

In my opinion, traditional media and social media are fairly responsible for the movement towards "sex as entertainment" in our culture.

It is sad. Marriage will look a lot different in 20 years with the hook up culture today in full force.

This is ridiculous and flawed.

Actually, I should correct myself. SOME spouses, when asked, honestly would not want to know, or wish that they didn't know.

I have found that MOST ultimately are glad that they know the truth and were given the option.

I suppose you don't REALLY know how you would feel until it is too late. But personally, I disagree. I would much rather have an honest marriage than live my whole life being lied to.