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Newest Member: scorchedearth (60708)

User Topic: Reconciling but it's hard
♀ 40208
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself feeling very detached today. We have been working on many things and reading together. But I keep getting images of them together and his ultimate betrayal. I look back at that time and see his distance, but then I was preoccupied with life and the kids. I just don't understand it, why he went that far without talking to me first. I would have rather he had the balls to just leave me first. But no, he talked to her via phone and text, she fell in love with him, then it turned to sexting and then the meeting and PA. I can't help but think if I'd only done this and that. Like snooped his phone, etc. He was acting shady at that time. I pushed the feelings down and rationalized his behavior. I denied the possibility because I am the mother of his beautiful kids and I was loyal and did everything I could to be a good wife at that time. Now I see I wasn't meeting his needs. But he wasn't meeting mine either.

How do you stop obsessing about the OW. Right now I want to do her some serious harm. I am more mad at her than him sometimes and it makes no sense.

I still love him and he's doing everything that he's supposed to. We have total transparency and total honesty right now. We are communicating and touching and having tons of sex. I told him how much he neglected me sexually during our 24 year marriage. He'd use porn and masturbate and reject me. He had so much anger toward me for some reason. I guess he was blaming me for his unhappiness within himself.

He now takes ownership of his unhappiness. He is relieved that I know the truth and he doesn't have to be someone he's not. But now I have the burden. He covered it up for 4 years. He said it was the only time he's cheated. However he was beginning to look at porn sites that share webcams and stuff and possible hookups that can come out of that. In fact, my catching him at that is what lead to discovery of PA.

So we have a long way to go. Today I'm feeling sad and detached. I still love him but the romance is fading. I am seeing him for who he is and I feel disappointed. I don't want divorce. It's just hard to feel this kind of pain on a daily basis. I'm hoping with time it can fade and we will be better off than we were. Like I said our marriage wasn't great, 24 years and we were roommates and not affectionate. I really didn't even like him these past 5 years during his total dishonesty. He was an angry SOB with no patience for the kids or me. I avoided him a lot. But now I feel like he's the person I married again.

BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Painfuljourney,

The thing is, the person you M'd is also the person who was an angry SOB with no patience and held so much anger towards you. It is nice that he is being transparent, touching; what is he doing to work on his issues?

When he was so angry at you and turned to OW, why was he angry and why did he not talk to you? Conflict avoiding is common, and it takes paractice to overcome it.

Why did he blame you for his unhappiness? FWW did that with me too. Is he learning to own and process his feelings, and to talkwith you about conflicts?

I'm hoping with time it can fade and we will be better off than we were.

The pain fades with time. Change for the better requires understanding, insight, and practice to re-enforce new habits and responses in place of old ones.

You might spend some time thinking about why you stayed with a spouse you did not like for 5 years. When I did this the answers were an important part of my healing and become the better person I wanted to be.

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 2

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