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livebythesea posted 8/7/2013 10:58 AM

Yesterday I visited a psychologist. I felt worst when I left than when I walked in! I was a bit intimidated by telling my story to a complete stranger. He was polite but seemed distant and not listening to my specific details. I was not impressed. So when I got home, I was distant with H. He asked me a few questions and I answered the short version.

Dr. recommended I bring H with me next time. I will give it one more try and convince H to join me.

Dr. told me that it was a good thing I did not leave. Also told me that at my age, success rate of finding a partner which I would find satisfying and be happy with are not great. He also said that life without a partner sucks! He said he knows this cause he deals with the consequences - his clients.

I felt humiliated when he told me that. I certainly do not feel it was his place to make such comment. What do you think?

Morhurt posted 8/7/2013 11:02 AM

I would say, totally unacceptable. Find a new IC immediately. I made the mistake of continuing on with someone (a man) that didn't make me feel safe, heard or understood. My new counsellor was a perfect fit from the moment I spoke to her on the phone to book the appt.
keep looking!!
I am SO sorry that that idiot made you feel worse. You deserve so much more!

Schilling posted 8/7/2013 11:04 AM

I am not sure how I feel about some of the things your Psychologist said and it sounds like maybe you weren't comfortable with it either.

DO NOT fear shopping around for someone. I went through 7 therapists before finding one that matched what I needed.

Sometimes, it was something as silly as I hated their voice, to things like you stated above that I felt were not appropriate. I tried a couple women, a few men and ended up feeling best with a male therapist.

Bu I've been with my therapist since December and it has helped me SO MUCH.

[This message edited by Schilling at 11:05 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/7/2013 11:04 AM

Well my oh my, he sure painted a grim picture for you, didn't he?

It's very obvious the guy is way too biased to give you an impartial yet compassionate assessment of your situation. He sounds so jaded. Jeez.

I would hope anyone staying to clean up the mess of infidelity is doing it for a better reason than thinking their 'shelf life' of attracting another partner has expired.

I'd find another therapist if I were you. The guy isn't supposed to make you feel worse after you walk out than before you walked in.

outtanowhere posted 8/7/2013 11:05 AM

I totally agree with you. That kind of comment was out of line coming from a professional. A counselor is supposed to guide you. They help you explore your situation, feelings, family issues, etc. so that you can determine the best possible long term outcome for yourself. They help you see options & give you tools to help you evaluate where you are and where you want to be.

This guy just short circuited the whole process! I'd find another one before he says something your H will find to hang his hat on!

Abbondad posted 8/7/2013 11:07 AM

He was polite but seemed distant and not listening to my specific details. I was not impressed.

Nor would I be. These are red flags. I don't believe it would get better. Over the course of my life I shopped around for many psychologists and then during the affair, several family therapists.

With every one that didn't work out, I knew it right away--in the first session. Often it was something overtly stupid or clueless they said, but sometimes it just didn't feel right.

Keep shopping. Great ones are out there. Don't settle for one who is just "OK." This is serious stuff.

I have several friends and relatives who are psychologists, and I would never recommend anyone see them. Lots of fools have Phd's. The best "psychologist" I have ever known was my mom. No degree, no formal background.

Her credentials: she was extremely sensitive, shrewd, she understood human behavior, she was a great listener, and most of all, she had an enormous amount of common sense.

These are the traits I fortunately found in my therapist.

Good luck.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 8/7/2013 11:09 AM

Please don't go back to this "Dr"...what a quack!

Really? At your age? What does that even mean? My Grandma is 92 and dates more than I ever did!! I'm not pushing you one way or another, but I think that comment, along with the others was WAY out of line. You need a safe place to discuss your feelings, thoughts, thought process etc., not to be told what to do or what your "prospects" are.

I'm so sorry this person made you feel that way!!

tushnurse posted 8/7/2013 12:26 PM

Wow, That was a confidence builder....NOT.
OK I would call him and tell him that despite his great recommendations that you find him highly unsatisfying, and need a new therapist. What a douche.

This is not what counselors are supposed to do. They are to help you guide your way through your feelings, and understand them, and in turn help you make good life choices.
And for his information, being alone would NOT suck!!!
Think about it, free to not have to cook, clean, do laundry for anyone but yourself. Having the opportunity to do whatever you want when you want?!? What is bad about that? He obviously has his own set of issues, and needs counseling himself. The first rule of life, is you have to make yourself happy and strong. No one can do that for you. If you are happy with you, the rest falls into place with or without a partner.

I am glad to see that you were strong enough to go to someone, and am sad that you got a douche the first go round. Don't give up. But I would certainly not go back to him.

((((and strength))))

hardtimesinlife posted 8/7/2013 12:30 PM

If he repeats this bullshit in front of your husband you will have another uphill battle. That is my opinion. It seems to me he can only cause harm to you and to your efforts to R. Our mc said a few mild things that caused a load of problems. I think it's imperative that you not only find another psychologist but that you go to the first appointment alone so that you can determine if it feels right.

HopeFloats2272 posted 8/7/2013 12:34 PM

WOW!!! That was inappropriate to say the least. I am so sorry!

Sure, being single might suck at times but so does being married to a cheater that doesn't want to go to MC!!

I agree with the others....don't go back to him and definitely don't bring your husband to see him. I can only imagine you would be blamed for the infidelity and he would likely tell you that you just need to get over it and move on.

My IC called me by the OW's name. Fortunately, it was at the end of our session and when I got in my car I just cried like a baby. That was the last time I saw her. I know people make mistakes but I felt like she stabbed me in the back....with a dull rusty knife.....

Therapy can be very valuable with the right therapist so just keep searching. I know it's not the easiest thing to ask friends/family for references but it's worth it if it will help you find the right one.

Good luck!!!

Lalagirl posted 8/7/2013 12:39 PM

Therapy can be very valuable with the right therapist so just keep searching.


The one you saw yesterday is flippin nuts himself IMO.

He's basicially telling you to "settle" and to "just get over it" without actually saying the words.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that...please don't give up on IC...just that particular one...


TheRealDeal posted 8/7/2013 12:59 PM

I wouldn't set foot inside his office again. No one should ever make you feel worse than when you arrived.

I was initially uncomfortable going to a male IC (no offense anyone) but he was recommended to me. He put me at ease on my first visit and it hasn't changed.

Now I understand why he was recommended; he understands BS/WS situation, as it turns out, he experienced life as a BS in his first marriage. Yes, I asked him that question because it just seemed he totally "got it" as I talked.

AStar posted 8/7/2013 13:02 PM

Your psychologist is a douche! No relationship is better than an unhappy one. Geez what an ass!!
By the way, my mum (a widow) met and fell in love with her husband (also widowed) at 67. They have been together for 4 years and are damn happy together!
Love can find you at any age. Concentrate on your own happiness and what you need to find it.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/7/2013 13:12 PM

What a condescending dick. Seriously.
You would be better off sitting on your couch watching a Dr. Phil marathon (I love Dr. Phil, btw) than spending one more second of time with that guy.

For that matter, your time would be better spent watching any of the kabillion different versions of the Real Housewives series.

That guy was majorly out-of-line. Majorly.

nolight posted 8/7/2013 15:53 PM

You don't know this guys background or motivations. Perhaps he is a very religious man who is against divorce so views all of his clients experiences with bias. Maybe his mother or wife left him, regardless he was wrong!

A number of women here will tell you that a happy, peaceful life is its own reward, as is working through your marriage if these paths are right for YOU.

You often need to shop around to find the right psych, don't feel bad that the first you saw didnt workout.

purplejacket4 posted 8/7/2013 18:55 PM

Don't go back. At all.

He sounds like an ass. Either he's a blowhard academician that doesn't know what he's doing or might be a fWS himself.

My mom (WW) had a counselor that told her "the heart wants what the heart wants." Yeah, he was a WS.

solus sto posted 8/7/2013 19:24 PM

WTF? Who the HELL is that man to tell you it is "good you didn't leave?!"

He met you TODAY.

His statistics are bullshit.

I'd dump this one fast--no need to return with your husband.

IC is IC.

I know some have success sharing an IC and using that person as MC as well. I think it's a recipe for disaster.

There are RARE instances when meeting with the spouse's IC is helpful--but not the second visit! (I met, for example, with my husband's IC after d-day #Umpteen, which occurred TWO DAYS after he moved back in after a separation, and resulted in permanent separation; at that point, the IC figured he'd been lied to a bit and wanted my input---which I gave in hopes Mr. Trac-Fone would become a better father as a result.)

I'd find a new IC for you. I'd insist WH see a different IC. And at some point subsequent, I'd find yet ANOTHER person to be MC.

And I would tell anyone who deigned tell me what to do on the first freaking visit to take a fucking hike.


StrongerOne posted 8/7/2013 22:51 PM

Why would you bring your WH to your IC anyway? The IC is for you.

And, yes, this doc. is a tool. Ditch him.

RidingHealingRd posted 8/7/2013 23:15 PM

I certainly do not feel it was his place to make such comment

And I am sure that my IC would agree with you.

She always told me that is was not her place to "tell me what I should do but rather help me to figure out what is right for me to do"

I agree that you should look for a new one.

brainless twit posted 8/8/2013 02:33 AM

I was a therapist for 7 years... That is absolute horseshit. I used to tell my clients that choosing a therapist is like choosing a best friend or someone to date - if the chemistry isn't there, it just isn't there. Keep looking until you find someone who is a better fit for you (AKA someone who isn't insane!)

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