Topic: The Psychologist ...
Member # 38900
| Posted: 10:58 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Yesterday I visited a psychologist. I felt worst when I left than when I walked in! I was a bit intimidated by telling my story to a complete stranger. He was polite but seemed distant and not listening to my specific details. I was not impressed. So when I got home, I was distant with H. He asked me a few questions and I answered the short version.
Dr. recommended I bring H with me next time. I will give it one more try and convince H to join me.
Dr. told me that it was a good thing I did not leave. Also told me that at my age, success rate of finding a partner which I would find satisfying and be happy with are not great. He also said that life without a partner sucks! He said he knows this cause he deals with the consequences - his clients.
I felt humiliated when he told me that. I certainly do not feel it was his place to make such comment. What do you think?
HIM - 57(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
1 grand child
Posts: 234 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Member # 40166
| Posted: 11:02 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I would say, totally unacceptable. Find a new IC immediately. I made the mistake of continuing on with someone (a man) that didn't make me feel safe, heard or understood. My new counsellor was a perfect fit from the moment I spoke to her on the phone to book the appt.
I am SO sorry that that idiot made you feel worse. You deserve so much more!
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.
Posts: 1082 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39774
| Posted: 11:04 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I am not sure how I feel about some of the things your Psychologist said and it sounds like maybe you weren't comfortable with it either.
DO NOT fear shopping around for someone. I went through 7 therapists before finding one that matched what I needed.
Sometimes, it was something as silly as I hated their voice, to things like you stated above that I felt were not appropriate. I tried a couple women, a few men and ended up feeling best with a male therapist.
Bu I've been with my therapist since December and it has helped me SO MUCH.
[This message edited by Schilling at 11:05 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.
Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Member # 38121
| Posted: 11:04 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Well my oh my, he sure painted a grim picture for you, didn't he?
It's very obvious the guy is way too biased to give you an impartial yet compassionate assessment of your situation. He sounds so jaded. Jeez.
I would hope anyone staying to clean up the mess of infidelity is doing it for a better reason than thinking their 'shelf life' of attracting another partner has expired.
I'd find another therapist if I were you. The guy isn't supposed to make you feel worse after you walk out than before you walked in.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.
Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39001
| Posted: 11:05 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I totally agree with you. That kind of comment was out of line coming from a professional. A counselor is supposed to guide you. They help you explore your situation, feelings, family issues, etc. so that you can determine the best possible long term outcome for yourself. They help you see options & give you tools to help you evaluate where you are and where you want to be.
This guy just short circuited the whole process! I'd find another one before he says something your H will find to hang his hat on!
Dday - 2/19/13
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Posts: 850 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 37898
| Posted: 11:07 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
He was polite but seemed distant and not listening to my specific details. I was not impressed.
Nor would I be. These are red flags. I don't believe it would get better. Over the course of my life I shopped around for many psychologists and then during the affair, several family therapists.
With every one that didn't work out, I knew it right away--in the first session. Often it was something overtly stupid or clueless they said, but sometimes it just didn't feel right.
Keep shopping. Great ones are out there. Don't settle for one who is just "OK." This is serious stuff.
I have several friends and relatives who are psychologists, and I would never recommend anyone see them. Lots of fools have Phd's. The best "psychologist" I have ever known was my mom. No degree, no formal background.
Her credentials: she was extremely sensitive, shrewd, she understood human behavior, she was a great listener, and most of all, she had an enormous amount of common sense.
These are the traits I fortunately found in my therapist.
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Posts: 1862 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 33374
| Posted: 11:09 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Please don't go back to this "Dr"...what a quack!
Really? At your age? What does that even mean? My Grandma is 92 and dates more than I ever did!! I'm not pushing you one way or another, but I think that comment, along with the others was WAY out of line. You need a safe place to discuss your feelings, thoughts, thought process etc., not to be told what to do or what your "prospects" are.
I'm so sorry this person made you feel that way!!
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
Posts: 2105 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 21101
| Posted: 12:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Wow, That was a confidence builder....NOT.
OK I would call him and tell him that despite his great recommendations that you find him highly unsatisfying, and need a new therapist. What a douche.
This is not what counselors are supposed to do. They are to help you guide your way through your feelings, and understand them, and in turn help you make good life choices.
And for his information, being alone would NOT suck!!!
Think about it, free to not have to cook, clean, do laundry for anyone but yourself. Having the opportunity to do whatever you want when you want?!? What is bad about that? He obviously has his own set of issues, and needs counseling himself. The first rule of life, is you have to make yourself happy and strong. No one can do that for you. If you are happy with you, the rest falls into place with or without a partner.
I am glad to see that you were strong enough to go to someone, and am sad that you got a douche the first go round. Don't give up. But I would certainly not go back to him.
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 9978 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 10468
| Posted: 12:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
If he repeats this bullshit in front of your husband you will have another uphill battle. That is my opinion. It seems to me he can only cause harm to you and to your efforts to R. Our mc said a few mild things that caused a load of problems. I think it's imperative that you not only find another psychologist but that you go to the first appointment alone so that you can determine if it feels right.
Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)
Posts: 6362 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Member # 39264
| Posted: 12:34 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
WOW!!! That was inappropriate to say the least. I am so sorry!
Sure, being single might suck at times but so does being married to a cheater that doesn't want to go to MC!!
I agree with the others....don't go back to him and definitely don't bring your husband to see him. I can only imagine you would be blamed for the infidelity and he would likely tell you that you just need to get over it and move on.
My IC called me by the OW's name. Fortunately, it was at the end of our session and when I got in my car I just cried like a baby. That was the last time I saw her. I know people make mistakes but I felt like she stabbed me in the back....with a dull rusty knife.....
Therapy can be very valuable with the right therapist so just keep searching. I know it's not the easiest thing to ask friends/family for references but it's worth it if it will help you find the right one.
BS- 40, WH 38
Married 13yrs, 2 Sweet Boys-5 & 9
DD#1: 1/10/12- 6mo EA
DD#2: 8/23/12-revealed 1PA, 2ONS in 2010 and 1EA/PA in 2004
DD#3: 9/10/12- ONS w/friend in 2010
Lots of other crap and TT - basically I was married to a guy that forgot he was
Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 14576
| Posted: 12:39 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|Therapy can be very valuable with the right therapist so just keep searching.
The one you saw yesterday is flippin nuts himself IMO.
He's basicially telling you to "settle" and to "just get over it" without actually saying the words.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that...please don't give up on IC...just that particular one...
Me - 50; FWH - 52
Married 32 years 9/2/15
2 grown daughters-31 & 28
6yo GS,2yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD31) and 3 yo GD(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.
Posts: 5287 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 39560
| Posted: 12:59 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I wouldn't set foot inside his office again. No one should ever make you feel worse than when you arrived.
I was initially uncomfortable going to a male IC (no offense anyone) but he was recommended to me. He put me at ease on my first visit and it hasn't changed.
Now I understand why he was recommended; he understands BS/WS situation, as it turns out, he experienced life as a BS in his first marriage. Yes, I asked him that question because it just seemed he totally "got it" as I talked.
Me (BS): 46 him (ws): 54
together 18 years
DDay1, DDay2, Dday 3: March thru June 2013
Dday4 - June 13 2015
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.
Posts: 390 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Member # 39971
| Posted: 1:02 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Your psychologist is a douche! No relationship is better than an unhappy one. Geez what an ass!!
By the way, my mum (a widow) met and fell in love with her husband (also widowed) at 67. They have been together for 4 years and are damn happy together!
Love can find you at any age. Concentrate on your own happiness and what you need to find it.
Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 34823
| Posted: 1:12 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
What a condescending dick. Seriously.
You would be better off sitting on your couch watching a Dr. Phil marathon (I love Dr. Phil, btw) than spending one more second of time with that guy.
For that matter, your time would be better spent watching any of the kabillion different versions of the Real Housewives series.
That guy was majorly out-of-line. Majorly.
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Posts: 8628 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 32785
| Posted: 3:53 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
You don't know this guys background or motivations. Perhaps he is a very religious man who is against divorce so views all of his clients experiences with bias. Maybe his mother or wife left him, regardless he was wrong!
A number of women here will tell you that a happy, peaceful life is its own reward, as is working through your marriage if these paths are right for YOU.
You often need to shop around to find the right psych, don't feel bad that the first you saw didnt workout.
We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.
Posts: 610 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 34262
| Posted: 6:55 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Don't go back. At all.
He sounds like an ass. Either he's a blowhard academician that doesn't know what he's doing or might be a fWS himself.
My mom (WW) had a counselor that told her "the heart wants what the heart wants." Yeah, he was a WS.
Me: BS 46 (42 then)
Her: FWS 49 (45 then; both family med MDs)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical PMs
Posts: 2708 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
Member # 30989
| Posted: 7:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
WTF? Who the HELL is that man to tell you it is "good you didn't leave?!"
He met you TODAY.
His statistics are bullshit.
I'd dump this one fast--no need to return with your husband.
IC is IC.
I know some have success sharing an IC and using that person as MC as well. I think it's a recipe for disaster.
There are RARE instances when meeting with the spouse's IC is helpful--but not the second visit! (I met, for example, with my husband's IC after d-day #Umpteen, which occurred TWO DAYS after he moved back in after a separation, and resulted in permanent separation; at that point, the IC figured he'd been lied to a bit and wanted my input---which I gave in hopes Mr. Trac-Fone would become a better father as a result.)
I'd find a new IC for you. I'd insist WH see a different IC. And at some point subsequent, I'd find yet ANOTHER person to be MC.
And I would tell anyone who deigned tell me what to do on the first freaking visit to take a fucking hike.
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke
Posts: 10982 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 36915
| Posted: 10:51 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
Why would you bring your WH to your IC anyway? The IC is for you.
And, yes, this doc. is a tool. Ditch him.
DDay Feb 2011.
Posts: 996 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 33867
| Posted: 11:15 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013|
I certainly do not feel it was his place to make such comment
And I am sure that my IC would agree with you.
She always told me that is was not her place to "tell me what I should do but rather help me to figure out what is right for me to do"
I agree that you should look for a new one.
ME: 55 BS
HIM: 63 WH
Married: 30 years
in R 4+ years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2233 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 12085
| Posted: 2:33 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013|
I was a therapist for 7 years... That is absolute horseshit. I used to tell my clients that choosing a therapist is like choosing a best friend or someone to date - if the chemistry isn't there, it just isn't there. Keep looking until you find someone who is a better fit for you (AKA someone who isn't insane!)
"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.
Posts: 1544 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
|Topic Posts: 23|