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Help! I detest my motherinlaw! Can you see why?

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whensitover posted 8/7/2013 12:14 PM

Okay, still a newlywed, basically, and I knew DH mother before we were married but not very well, I had heard tales but didn't really know much. And I didn't live down the road from her then. I do now. And she is driving me crazy!!! Like Panic Attack Crazy!! I literally feel my chest tighten up when she calls or comes over. She lives in a trailer down the road from us. She is an elderly woman-79 and she is THE WORST hypochondriac I have ever seen in my life, and from what I can gather from my dh and others-she always has been. With the hypochondria comes the fact that she is a compulsive liar. She lies about everything. And because she is elderly, she repeats everything (or maybe she likes to hear herself talk)She constantly talks about how many people 'love' her and want to be around her, and call her, and she is constantly wanting to tell you this over and over. She had a car accident 8 months ago that was literally a fender bender-and she now has numerous "after effects" of the "crash" I am so sick of hearing about it, I could vomit. She has a daughter that has nothing to do with her at all, and my husband does to some point, but I can tell her doesn't want to. He ignores her calls alot, and when he does answer, he seems agitated. But then he will feel sorry for her-not because of who she is-but because everybody avoids her-but they do it for the same reason we all do it-she is just an annoying person and honestly you can hardly even hurt her feelings-(I think she is mildly retarded!!)She will cuss you out in a heartbeat-she delights in people's misery (her grandson lost his job-and she is loving it, cause she doesn't like him, and tells EVERYBODY over and over how this is 'just what he deserves!' and she hopes he ends up in the soup line!) I don't say much to my dh about it but I am sure he knows how I feel,just maybe not to the extent that I feel it. The other day, I heard her pull up into the drive way and I ran and got in the shower-stayed til the water got cold-got out-and there she was standing in my bedroom, waiting for me, giggling like an idiot. I may need medication for this. How do I handle this? I just cannot stand her!!

ps and before everybody starts to feel sorry for the woman or starts to suggest she may be showing signs of old age, her daughter says that she has been this way her whole life, which is why she has nothing to do with her, others in the family have verified that

Dreamboat posted 8/7/2013 12:34 PM

What you need are new locks on the door and caller ID. The fact that she came into your house and into your bedroom while you were in the shower is just creepy. And you need your DH to tell her that she MUST call before coming over, that just popping by is not acceptable.


Undefinabl3 posted 8/7/2013 13:00 PM

Honestly, your husband should be dealing with this. It's his mother, not yours.

If he can not seem to put bounderies up for your sake, then you need to make it 100% clear to him that you will start putting them up, and that he needs to be on YOUR side, not hers.

Loving your mother is perfectly acceptable, but expecting you wife to just 'go along with it' because he can't man up and actually have his own life is his issue.

There needs to be a conversation first - recorded if possible, that you are not comfortable with her coming over unannounced any longer, and that while visiting every once in a while is great, everyday is to much. Also, walking into the house without being invited in needs to end.

Then i would go about changing the locks and not giving her a key, and screening the phone calls.

The only other thing that I could suggest is to make yourself scarce. Go out and do things, go to a park and read, take a walk somewhere else, just not be home. I know it can't be every day, but at least that would give you a break

Whalers11 posted 8/7/2013 13:29 PM

At her age, her behavior is unlikely to change. So it is up to you and your DH to set boundaries.

jrc1963 posted 8/7/2013 14:45 PM

I don't think boundaries are going to work much either...

I doubt very much if she'll respect them even if they are put into place.

(((When))) I feel your pain... I had a disaster of a MIL in a previous relationship. The relief of not seeing her ever again was worth the pain of the D.

whensitover posted 8/7/2013 15:40 PM

@Jrc1963 I think your right, she doesn't care what anybody thinks, i don't think she has any respect for anybody!! My husband let her know the 'shower' incident was not acceptable, but he did it in a way that made her think she frightened me-which she did-but she infuriated me more!! She later laughed and made a comment "dh said I scared you the other day" I didn't laugh, I just walked away, pissed!! I can completely tell that my dh is agitated too, but honestly I think he is embarrassed at how she behaves. She has to have minor surgery (it's always something!!) and I made it clear I was not doing nurse duty, she has a granddaughter that takes her different places (cause she gives her money!) so I guess she will do the honors! But I am not!! Thanks guys!! Just typing it all out helps!!

Crescita posted 8/7/2013 17:19 PM

Whens, she sounds like my grandmother. Things aren't likely to change, but if you wish to keep the peace, you just have to erect strong emotional boundaries and only engage when you are in an okay place for her bs.

heartbroken_kk posted 8/7/2013 17:43 PM

Remember, boundaries are things that you do to protect yourself.

Locks and fences are boundaries.

It's only going to get worse, right?

Dreamboat is right. New locks on the doors, and new habits to keep them locked. Along with the new lock, install a speaker next to the doorbell by the front door, with a system that allows you to override it so she can push to talk, but you can also push to silence.

Seriously. Door is locked, I'm not opening it, no you can't come inside, please go home.

Maybe even a new fence around the house, or improvements to the fence so she can only come to the door, not walk around the house, not look in windows.

I wouldn't expect a conversation with her to have any actual effect. My guess is you can tell her your feelings, tell her what you want or what you will no longer tolerate, but she will figure out a way to defy you. Of course you need to have the conversation, but then you need some solid solid boundaries to enforce your decisions.

(((((hugs)))))) how awful. Wretched woman.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 5:44 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

whensitover posted 8/7/2013 22:08 PM

@heartbroken She IS wretched!! Ugh!!

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