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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Xww wants to change custody arrangements
gahurts
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the first day of school for the kiddoes. They are with their mother this week because I have to travel for work tonight through Monday morning. We have 50:50 equal joint physical custody. The agreement is written that they do two weeks with their mother followed by two weeks with me. And we swap the weekend in between so that we do not have to go so long without seeing our kids.

I proposed that we switch to alternate weeks. The kids are doing very well going back and forth and we have a good co-parenting relationship. She agreed with the caveat that we'll see how they do - I'm ok with that.

The agreement we have is that I have been paying her temporary SS which ends on the 15th of this month. I also pay her CS each month. The CS is a lesser amount than the state calculations suggest but then I also pay for or reimburse her for part or all clothes, school supplies extra stuff for the kids, extracurricular activities, etc. I cover those costs pretty much without question. She has been very agreeable to the deal so far especially since she has gone from since she moved out until a month ago living off my dime without any job. She even turned down at l;east one local job that I know of because she would have to work too many hours and 6 days a week. How can you turn something down directly when you have no job at all - oh yeah, the ex is paying for her to live as se pleases.

So today DD10 has to get ready and driven to school by DSS18. XWW leaves for work before DD10 gets up. DS13 and DS12 get themselves up and off to the bus later - the middle school bus picks them up but she does not live in the district for the elementary school.

This morning I get the following text:

I want to discuss child custody. I hate not being there for the kids and school. I want to make an offer. We do it with no lawyers attached. I get the kids for 3 weeks. You pay $200 more in CS than you were paying total combined SS and CS each month. I get the kids to school and after school activities. I find a job 9-3 for extra money.

And don't say no instantly

This just seems to be an attempt at manipulation to me. I knew she would try to do something to keep from loosing the SS I've been paying her. Her proposal doesn't even allow me to claim the money on my taxes which I can do with SS. If we do not use lawyers I have no legal way to claim that it is deductabel anyway and I will pay bigtime on income tax. But that is really not important.

Equal joint custody is the minimum I was willing to accept. Her taking 3 weeks each month means:

-I am not active in the kids school.
-She becomes the point contact for the school.
-She can show that her address is where the kids reside and use that to take them away from me all together so that she can move up to OM/BF's house with them.
- She gets to claim the kids on income taxes since they live with her the majority of the time. As it is she whined about claiming one of the three of them until I gave in even though the decree specifically states that I claim them.

She also pulled this crap over the summer asking for the kids all week and I get the weekend so that they would not sit at home alone doing nothing all day. Well she took them nowhere all summer. They did not go anywhere during the week and stayed at home. They did go places on the weekend she had them but during the week
they were still sitting in the apartment.

Why should I not say no? I really think she is trying to use the kids to justify me paying her to stay home. And she wants even more money than she was getting before.

[This message edited by gahurts at 12:32 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3525 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just say no. Honestly, I would go by the letter of the decree. I would claim them on the taxes because that is what it says. I would switch on the days that it says.

If she wants a modification she can go to court like anyone else.

There are lots of things I "hate" about single parenting. Not being there for the kids for all kinds of things. But you know what the trade off is? The kids are independent and we figure it out. She will too.

Seriously, if you answer her at all one word: NO. You don't have to justify explain argue defend none of that. Her suggestion is ludicrous to me.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5947 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
RyeBread
♂ 37437
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think she is trying to use the kids to justify me paying her to stay home. And she wants even more money than she was getting before.

THIS ^^^ Go with your gut. Sounds like she is doing this more for her guilt than for the best interests of the kids.

And ...

Why should I not say no?

You can say no without saying "no". Tell her you like the arrangement you have now. Thats it. If she wants to change it then she can hire an attorney.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gahurts,

I agree with stick to the decree. There is nothing that says she cannot be there for the kids and school on the weeks she does not have them. Parent teacher meetings, events, PTA, booster groups, chaperoneing, all can be done is her week or not.

She wants you to pay her to be a nanny to her own kids.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wtf. Why would you say yes to this? She's basically saying you should give her more money, give up your time with the kids,and get screwed on your taxes. Generally when someone makes an offer, they do it in a way that benefits both people. You know, some sort of "I get this, and you get that, and we both win" scenario.

This is basically her whining that her life isn't what she wants it to be, and expecting you to bend over and let her fuck you in the ass to make it more what she wants.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13934 | Registered: Jul 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone posted on this site that they regretted giving custody away, and this is what you would be doing.

She cheated, right? Maybe she should have thought about the consequences of losing her husband, his income, and 2 weeks a month w/o any children BEFORE or DURING the affair..


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2385 | Registered: Jan 2012
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way in HELL that I would agree to her "proposal".

Honey Boo needs to get a freakin' job...just like the rest of us.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
gahurts
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everybody. I let my own insecurities fog me for a minute and the more I thought about it the more obvious it was that she was trying to screw me.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3525 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do it with no lawyers attached.
Translation = I want you to do this in a way that leaves you unprotected and wrecks your legal rights.

gahurts...you could do it but it would be a really bad idea if you did.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow. She's just a *teensy* bit self-serving, no?

Dang. *She* hates not being there and so her brilliant solution is to try to steal your time with your kids from you? Wow. That's really just downright rude.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
tabitha95
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this is in anyone's favor except hers.

I do have a question about the combined support. EXH's lawyer tried to call it "family support" and not CS & SS individually. It would have been in EX's favor, he could write off the whole amount. Am I mistaken?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, big fat nope.

1. If she really wanted to see her kids more, then she wouldnt also ask for money too. If she wanted to see her kids more, then she would just ask to see her kids more.

2. I find a job 9-3 for extra money. - is a ploy. There is really no place on earth other then the self employed with this kind of crazy schedule to it...and even with retail, that will cut out her weekends as well. If you agree to this, you will fall in to her "but i just haven't found a job yet, so i need more money please'....still nope.

3. And don't say no instantly This proves that she know's is a crazy idea to begin with, she just wants you to think that it might not be. Please be smarter then that.

If she really wants more time with them, let her go to court to get things changed. All of your kids are old enough to actually have an impact on the ruling, and if their grades and attitudes are good, then a judge would probably be less likely to change the current status quo.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1833 | Registered: Sep 2012
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j Tabitha, I believe you are correct. Your STBX would be able to write it off on his taxes, and you'd have to claim the entire portion (not just SS) on yours.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand women like her. There is no reason for this. You are a great dad. She just wants to be selfish.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13881 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would issue a counter proposal:you'll pay her $200 a month if she gives up one week of custody.


When my XH proposed outrageous changes, I would send a counter proposal that was to my benefit, not his.

It drove me crazy that he thought I would give up my kids.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5744 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
gahurts
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks lieshurt. I needed to hear that.

Tabitha, I never heard of "family support". My understanding is that SS can be written off on my taxes by CS canot. This is what my L told me right before saying that I need to talk to a tax lawyer or tax accountant to confirm that it is the case. As money was getting tighter, I did not do that. My L was clear that she is a D L not a T L.

Undefinabl3 -

I find a job 9-3 for extra money. - is a ploy

I agree. I saw through this part right away. She has been saying this the entire time we were M'ed. And then never following through. The few times she did have a PT job, she cried and cried and finally quit after a month or so because the job was beneather her and she was afraid that she would never amount to anything more than just a retail clerk.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3525 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd tell her no and make her file in court. If she does, I'd offer her no change in visitation but that calculated CS along with whatever the state's standard provision of sharing expenses would be.

She won't get a job until she is forced to and she'll use guilt on you to try to get her way.

You've fulfilled your settlement terms. It is unfair for her to renegotiate to milk off of you more.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53334 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wait a week - then say: "No."

That way it isn't "right away".


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4171 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
tabitha95
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You pay $200 more in CS than you were paying total combined SS and CS each month.

This is what threw me off, I thought she was hoping to combine them. I missed the earlier part about her SS going away this month.

Now I get it. I thought she was trying to combine the supports together, like what EXH lawyer tried to do. But that wasn't in my favor.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stuck on something else in your post.

I think what you said was that DS10 was in the care of xWW, but she is dependent on DSS make sure he is up responsible for getting him to school. Is that correct? And xWW does not like that (or DS was late or missed school) so she wants him to be in her care even more?? I don't think so!

I assume that is not a problem at your house. So I would counter that since she is concerned about not being able to get DS10 to school then it is in his best interest that he stays with you on school nights. See how that flies

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 3:50 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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