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Cliffhanger101 posted 8/7/2013 13:12 PM

I haven't registered until today to be able to post, but I have been reading posts for the last few weeks.

I came home from work 8 weeks ago and was pulled into my bedroom by my obviously distraught husband. He then confessed to a 4 month EA/PA with a married co-worker. The OW's husband had discovered the affair that morning. My husband was confessing because he thought the OW's husband might call me. My husband and OW had last been together, physically, that morning. The affair had been carried on at work and at our home while I was at work and while our kids were with my mom (he needed time home alone to "work."). I was completely floored. I had NO suspicions.

WH claims a light switch was flipped when the affair was discovered. He suddenly came to the realization that I and our children were the most important things in the world to him. He has been well behaved and has done all I have demanded--transparency, answering all questions (when he can "remember"), NC (she has e-mailed him x 2--we responded to e-mails together), change in work situation (no longer in same town), stepping down from his supervising position (he was her supervisor), apologizing, marriage counseling, meeting with our minister, going through phone records and texts. and listening to me rage. WH says he is dedicated to working through this. WH says he no longer has any feelings toward OW except anger (he says she was the aggressor--and I think that is probably truthful).

I, however, hate him. I just don't think he really "gets it."

We have been talking. I am trying. Our children are wonderful. I would like them to have an intact family.

He is getting tired of the talking. I get the clear sense he is ready for me to move on with things. He more or less shut off conversation by turning off the light last night. I left for work this a.m. without talking to him. This is the first day since D-day that we have gone all morning with no contact.

I have little enough motivation, other than the kids, to stay. If he's bored with drama already, then I don't think there is any point in staying.

How long before I know if I can move past this? I know some people can't. When do I cut my losses?

Deanna posted 8/7/2013 14:19 PM

I knew pretty quickly that I wanted to try to work it out. That was the easy part. The hard part was trying to get past the hurt of the affair. There were days that I thought we wouldn't make it but we stuck it out and our marriage is much stronger than it ever was before.

LivingALie posted 8/7/2013 14:28 PM

Wow - it sounds like he was off to a great start! You both did all the things that we talk about here -

But now - he's had enough? Really? Thats too bad isn't it, he brought this mess into your lives and now he has to suffer the consequences.

At 8 weeks out I was still trying to absorb what happened let alone be prepared to "move on". You're right, he doesn't really "get" the devastation he caused and I hate to say this but this is one of those situations where he'll never get it unless it happened to him.

He's still in the "me me" phase and isn't thinking about all this affects YOU.

I would NOT back down from this manipulation. Thats exactly what is - he's trying to bully you into putting this behind you when you're clearly not ready. I would make that as clear as you possibly can that YOU get to say when its time to move on - NOT HIM.

Typically when the wayward starts acting like this its because contact has been renewed. Are you CERTAIN there hasn't been any contact?

Edited to add: I hit submit too soon - as for her being the aggressor - I doubt that - he is really the type to be so easily persuaded? And what does it really matter who was the agressor, he still made a conscious choice more than once to betray you.

[This message edited by LivingALie at 2:31 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 8/7/2013 14:30 PM

Welcome to SI, cliffhanger. So glad you found us and have been reading here. And thank you for entrusting us with your story and your post.

Hate and anger are fairly normal cycles on the rollercoaster along with just about every emotion you can think of. The feelings come and go, and it can be completely exhausting. It's the reason so many people advise here to not make any major decisions right away.

However, it's ok to call the ball if you know you're done. If you come to the realization that you don't want to be there, or that he isn't capable or willing to do what is needed, you need no one's permission to end things.

No one can make that call other than you, however. You may want to talk it through with a counselor if you are unsure.

Cliffhanger101 posted 8/7/2013 15:14 PM

Thanks for the information.

I hadn't thought about this new behavior being manipulative. But, I can see that.

As far as who was the aggressor in the affair, you are right. . .It doesn't matter. WH still was wayward.

I have email account access. I am checking phone records and text records regularly. I don't think there has been anymore contact. BUT, I'm not with him 24/7--So, no, I can't be 100% certain. I had not considered the back stepping to be a sign of renewed contact. Wow, I am new at this.

kansas1968 posted 8/7/2013 15:21 PM

Your husband is going to have a really rude wake-up call if he thinks that it is time to move on after eight weeks. He has barely gotten started on this hell of a roller-coaster that he bought tickes on.
He just thought once he confessed, that you would either kick him out or just let it go. It is a long, long, road.
You need to get into counselling, together or separate and ideally both.

You need to let him know that it is a long road. If he really loves you, then he will do whatever it takes.

Cheaters always just want to forget about it. They HATE to see the damage they have done and just want it all to be OK as fast as possible. So, so, sorry for your pain. It is the worst pain in the world. Hugs.

TryingEveryday posted 8/7/2013 15:51 PM

My wife cheated on my twice. We discussed at length everything that brought her to that point. We continue to talk about it, daily.

She turned to me the other day and asked for a lifetime to make up for the pain she caused. I told her I would gladly give her that lifetime. And that is probably what it will take - and your husband doesn't get that.

Not weeks - years. He has to be ready to do exactly what you're doing - for years. If he isn't willing, he isn't worth it.

Skan posted 8/7/2013 16:19 PM

My husband was confessing because he thought the OW's husband might call me.

WH claims a light switch was flipped when the affair was discovered. He suddenly came to the realization that I and our children were the most important things in the world to him.

I'm sorry, but given his Get Over It Already attitude, the only light switch that was flipped was the realization that you were going to find out ALL about his betrayal of you. That's the only reason he told you. He didn't See The Light, he was afraid that he was about to be outed, so he told you, and piled it high and deep about how the OW was SUCH an aggressor, so that you would fall into his arms and all would be OK. Yeah, the actions that he took are wonderful and are definitely on the right track, but if he thinks that within a mere 8 weeks that you being able to do anything but stay upright and remember to breathe isn't a miracle, then he needs a boot in his hind-most cheeks.

You can't hit someone with a truck, break their leg, stay by their side while it's put into a cast, and then insist that they run a marathon before the cast even has the time to dry. Impossible. What's he's expecting is impossible too. I hope that you can get through to him, or have his IC, or your pastor get this truth through to him. Otherwise you're right about wondering when its time to call it quits.

lucy17 posted 8/7/2013 17:52 PM

Cliffhanger, I am so sorry. My story sounds similar (no stories are the same). My WS also walked out on me or said "We are done with this conversation." Then we went to MC and he was told that wasn't an option by someone other than his angry, crying, mess of a wife. It made a difference for us. Don't accept less than what you need. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

meplusfour posted 8/7/2013 20:01 PM

Give yourself some time to find out what you really want. You were completely blindsided. Your WH's A may be a deal breaker for you, or it may not be. At eight weeks out, I was still undecided whether I was going to end our M or attempt to R. My course of action changed from day to day and hour to hour. Your WH has done many of the things needed to move towards R but has he really addressed the issues which led to his A? Are you going to MC, IC, reading books and truly looking at himself to figure out why he did what he did?

This process is emotionally draining. There are days where I would give anything to not have to think about what my M has become and what is needed. On those days, I look for something that gives me enough hope to stay and work on my M for one more day. At first, I stayed for our children and I did not want make any rash decisions that I would later regret. Later, as fWH rebuilt his trust with me, other reasons emerged. Trust is still being rebuilt as we are only five months out.

Finally, I would tell WH exactly what you have posted. That you are struggling, and that it appears that he is getting tired of being a part of your healing. If he is finished and wishes that you would move on, remind him that you will heal, with or without him. If he wants your M to endure, he needs to be there and focus giving you what you need. If he remains aloof at this early stage, you may need to make a decision as to whether he is worthy of moving towards R with you.

Stay strong.

Cliffhanger101 posted 8/8/2013 09:11 AM

Thanks so much for the replies.

We haven't done much discussing of the A with outside people. Trying to limit exposure and that sort of thing. So, it's been rather nice to have some interaction.

We had a long talk last night. I told him this was the closest I had been to ending things so far. He admits he finds our discussions painful, but realizes they are necessary for me at this time. I think the frequent change in topics and having limited response during conversations is probably a self-defensive move on his part. I don't know if he was even consciously doing it.

We will see. . .

OldCow18 posted 8/8/2013 09:49 AM

Cliffhanger, our situations are very similar. D-day has been exactly 2 months today, 8 weeks from last Saturday. WH realized immediately that all that matters in this world are me and the kids. I have all passwords, etc. and have been checking. We are both in IC. He has an anger problem which has been hindering our R, but in general he's trying to do all that he is supposed to, BUT, I feel he is only doing it because he is "supposed to". I know in my heart he has NO IDEA what he has done or WHY I am so devastated. Tuesday night in the heat of the moment he told me to "get a grip already" Are you EFFING KIDDING ME?? This, and other comments, have solidified that he isn't REALLY remoreseful or in R, he is trying to behave how the books and articles tell him to until this passes. I do not think he would cheat again, but I don't think he has what it takes to help me R. I also see very little reason to stay except I want an intact family for my children.

It's awful what they've done to us, and to have no clue the depth of devastation is just turning the knives in our backs. I'm so sorry you're here.

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