I came home from work 8 weeks ago and was pulled into my bedroom by my obviously distraught husband. He then confessed to a 4 month EA/PA with a married co-worker. The OW's husband had discovered the affair that morning. My husband was confessing because he thought the OW's husband might call me. My husband and OW had last been together, physically, that morning. The affair had been carried on at work and at our home while I was at work and while our kids were with my mom (he needed time home alone to "work."). I was completely floored. I had NO suspicions.
WH claims a light switch was flipped when the affair was discovered. He suddenly came to the realization that I and our children were the most important things in the world to him. He has been well behaved and has done all I have demanded--transparency, answering all questions (when he can "remember"), NC (she has e-mailed him x 2--we responded to e-mails together), change in work situation (no longer in same town), stepping down from his supervising position (he was her supervisor), apologizing, marriage counseling, meeting with our minister, going through phone records and texts. and listening to me rage. WH says he is dedicated to working through this. WH says he no longer has any feelings toward OW except anger (he says she was the aggressor--and I think that is probably truthful).
I, however, hate him. I just don't think he really "gets it."
We have been talking. I am trying. Our children are wonderful. I would like them to have an intact family.
He is getting tired of the talking. I get the clear sense he is ready for me to move on with things. He more or less shut off conversation by turning off the light last night. I left for work this a.m. without talking to him. This is the first day since D-day that we have gone all morning with no contact.
I have little enough motivation, other than the kids, to stay. If he's bored with drama already, then I don't think there is any point in staying.
How long before I know if I can move past this? I know some people can't. When do I cut my losses?
But now - he's had enough? Really? Thats too bad isn't it, he brought this mess into your lives and now he has to suffer the consequences.
At 8 weeks out I was still trying to absorb what happened let alone be prepared to "move on". You're right, he doesn't really "get" the devastation he caused and I hate to say this but this is one of those situations where he'll never get it unless it happened to him.
He's still in the "me me" phase and isn't thinking about all this affects YOU.
I would NOT back down from this manipulation. Thats exactly what is - he's trying to bully you into putting this behind you when you're clearly not ready. I would make that as clear as you possibly can that YOU get to say when its time to move on - NOT HIM.
Typically when the wayward starts acting like this its because contact has been renewed. Are you CERTAIN there hasn't been any contact?
Edited to add: I hit submit too soon - as for her being the aggressor - I doubt that - he is really the type to be so easily persuaded? And what does it really matter who was the agressor, he still made a conscious choice more than once to betray you.
[This message edited by LivingALie at 2:31 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
Hate and anger are fairly normal cycles on the rollercoaster along with just about every emotion you can think of. The feelings come and go, and it can be completely exhausting. It's the reason so many people advise here to not make any major decisions right away.
However, it's ok to call the ball if you know you're done. If you come to the realization that you don't want to be there, or that he isn't capable or willing to do what is needed, you need no one's permission to end things.
No one can make that call other than you, however. You may want to talk it through with a counselor if you are unsure.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I hadn't thought about this new behavior being manipulative. But, I can see that.
As far as who was the aggressor in the affair, you are right. . .It doesn't matter. WH still was wayward.
I have email account access. I am checking phone records and text records regularly. I don't think there has been anymore contact. BUT, I'm not with him 24/7--So, no, I can't be 100% certain. I had not considered the back stepping to be a sign of renewed contact. Wow, I am new at this.
You need to let him know that it is a long road. If he really loves you, then he will do whatever it takes.
Cheaters always just want to forget about it. They HATE to see the damage they have done and just want it all to be OK as fast as possible. So, so, sorry for your pain. It is the worst pain in the world. Hugs.
She turned to me the other day and asked for a lifetime to make up for the pain she caused. I told her I would gladly give her that lifetime. And that is probably what it will take - and your husband doesn't get that.
Not weeks - years. He has to be ready to do exactly what you're doing - for years. If he isn't willing, he isn't worth it.
My husband was confessing because he thought the OW's husband might call me.
WH claims a light switch was flipped when the affair was discovered. He suddenly came to the realization that I and our children were the most important things in the world to him.
I'm sorry, but given his Get Over It Already attitude, the only light switch that was flipped was the realization that you were going to find out ALL about his betrayal of you. That's the only reason he told you. He didn't See The Light, he was afraid that he was about to be outed, so he told you, and piled it high and deep about how the OW was SUCH an aggressor, so that you would fall into his arms and all would be OK. Yeah, the actions that he took are wonderful and are definitely on the right track, but if he thinks that within a mere 8 weeks that you being able to do anything but stay upright and remember to breathe isn't a miracle, then he needs a boot in his hind-most cheeks.
You can't hit someone with a truck, break their leg, stay by their side while it's put into a cast, and then insist that they run a marathon before the cast even has the time to dry. Impossible. What's he's expecting is impossible too. I hope that you can get through to him, or have his IC, or your pastor get this truth through to him. Otherwise you're right about wondering when its time to call it quits.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
This process is emotionally draining. There are days where I would give anything to not have to think about what my M has become and what is needed. On those days, I look for something that gives me enough hope to stay and work on my M for one more day. At first, I stayed for our children and I did not want make any rash decisions that I would later regret. Later, as fWH rebuilt his trust with me, other reasons emerged. Trust is still being rebuilt as we are only five months out.
Finally, I would tell WH exactly what you have posted. That you are struggling, and that it appears that he is getting tired of being a part of your healing. If he is finished and wishes that you would move on, remind him that you will heal, with or without him. If he wants your M to endure, he needs to be there and focus giving you what you need. If he remains aloof at this early stage, you may need to make a decision as to whether he is worthy of moving towards R with you.
We haven't done much discussing of the A with outside people. Trying to limit exposure and that sort of thing. So, it's been rather nice to have some interaction.
We had a long talk last night. I told him this was the closest I had been to ending things so far. He admits he finds our discussions painful, but realizes they are necessary for me at this time. I think the frequent change in topics and having limited response during conversations is probably a self-defensive move on his part. I don't know if he was even consciously doing it.
We will see. . .
It's awful what they've done to us, and to have no clue the depth of devastation is just turning the knives in our backs. I'm so sorry you're here.