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Newest Member: wantingtomovefwd (61122)

User Topic: My give a damn's busted
♀ 39749
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know that country song, by Jo Dee Messina? It has a line -- "you twisted my heart till something snapped inside."

Well, that happened to me last week. It was when our 4yo asked my WH, "Daddy, why are you living with Grandma and Grandpa?" And he said, "Well, buddy, I like it better over there." And then he said goodbye and left. I sat there stunned, and then I cried a little and told the kids that I wanted them to know that they had NOTHING to do with the reason their daddy was happier living somewhere else.

I was LIVID. He moved out over six weeks ago and does nothing but go to work and hang around in his parents' basement, and he couldn't haul his ass down to the library (two minutes) away or use freaking GOOGLE to find out a little more appropriate way to explain this to a 4-year-old.

I found out a few days later that he told them (without telling me afterward) that "sometimes adults change the way they feel about each other, but they don't change the way they feel about their kids." I told him, "Please tell the kids that 'Mommy and Daddy aren't agreeing on a lot of things.' I don't need them asking questions about WHY we feel differently about each other, or wondering if other adults, like their grandparents, are going to 'suddenly' change the way they feel."

I've also given him two weeks to get his things out of the house. I told him, "My family home is NOT your storage facility. You've made it clear you don't want to live here with us, so there's no reason for your things to be here, and frankly, we need the space. Please don't forget to take your fish tanks, too." (I don't want to deal with maintaining them.)

There is nothing like watching your WH break your kids' hearts to make you really put those bitch boots on.

I've applied for several jobs and gotten a callback about one. The pay isn't great, but the benefits are terrific, they have an on-site daycare, and a friend worked there before moving and LOVED it. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

He still hasn't filed. I'm starting to think more seriously about doing it myself, frankly. Still not quite sure I'm there yet, but the idea sounds more appealing by the day.

41, BS, divorced four years

“Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.”

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are doing great! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and being there for your kids. You can't MAKE him do a damn thing, so you have to be the best Mom you can be.

Sending strength and peace.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 8247 | Registered: Aug 2005
♀ 40102
Member # 40102
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm loving mine less all the time too. Basically I am becoming indifferent. Awesome how you are moving forward!

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 39749
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the thing is, I finally realized that him not filing is not a display of reluctance to get divorced on his part. It's just another repetition of a very long pattern of him waiting for me to make the decision. Just like everything with the kids, he waits for me to do the research and get everything dealt with and then just shows up when he's told.

Just like when we were going to build our dream house, I found the land. I found the architect. I did the majority of work on the plans. Like when we were going to buy another house, I found the house. I found the realtor. I set up showings.

And the same is true when our 6yo's special needs started coming out. And when we needed marriage counseling. With pretty much every other thing in our relationship that I can even think of. For a man who's so successful at work, he takes absolutely zero initiative in anything to do with me or the kids.... And the more i think about it, the more I realize its been this way for a verrrrrrry long time.

[This message edited by Violetta at 5:09 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

41, BS, divorced four years

“Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.”

Posts: 50 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly ExH has been diagnosed as passive/aggressive and I'm no counselor, but seems to share some things you wrote about your WH. It got very frustrating but I loved him and our life and family and all.

He feared making decisions for fear of making waves with me, he said, so he made none and it made waves anyway. It got to be a terrible pattern and it happened when he left. He did not file but cheated-before and after leaving, that is-and now it's interesting to see his choices and how things are panning out for him.

I'm terribly sorry for your added hurt and it keeps coming here, too. Nearly ExH is a bully now that he's away from me physically and he tries to make up rules about how we interact with our daughter. I am very different with her and life than he is and she's old enough to see that. She says now, "you're boring but I trust you." "Daddy's fun but I don't trust him." Well, I'd rather have less glitter and be trustworthy anyday!

He told her nothing, because it was easier and I don't know if they talk too much about things - I doubt it becaus it's not easy. I told her and some of her friends that "Daddy has some problems that I can't help him with and he can't fix here." That's what I told her initially and she simply nodded with large eyes, but I thought it unharmful to either of us or to her? It was not kindness that he deserved, but kept me on the high road.

He tends to blurt, as your Wh does, and she gets hurt by it. It's my goal to always think before I tell DD anything and I'm sorry for your hurt, again, Violetta.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 5

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