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Forgiveness - Tuff

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livebythesea posted 8/7/2013 15:48 PM

Desperately need to vent. I ve been up and down with feelings, emotions, anger. Moments I want to forgive then there are these "hard-fact moments" which I truly believe I will never be able to forgive this man for putting me through hell. I remember I was about 30 something, I called a lawyer wanting advice about "mental abuse". Is it me, is it him. Whose fault is it that it all turned out this way. I did neglect him, but he was hell to live with. Even his children will attest to that. I never spoke badly to the children about their father, he was a good father (sort of) very impatient, very cold. He so often flirted with women, making me feel unimportant to him. Bottom line, he had no patience when things got out of control. Why a women want to make love to a man who is so unlovable and so distant.

Oh, that is his reason today for his infidelities. I was not there for him. He was not there for me either. I am ready to accept 50 % of the blame, but 0% of his way of dealing with the issue. Tonight, he knows something is not right, I ve been ignoring him since yesterday. I don't want to get into it, same story ... but I cant help how I feel. Gonna go out of my mind.

I ve read, gone to counseling twice, communicate with you guys on this site (such a healer and eye opener) I talk to my sister who is an absolute blessing (her husband cheated on her when she was 8 months pregnant, he voluntarily confessed only a few days later) and still feel I am no further ahead. I want this to stop.

Skan posted 8/7/2013 16:08 PM

I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard. I know that you really, really want this to all stop, to go away, to have never been. But unfortunately the only way through this hell is to keep walking. (((hugs)))

solus sto posted 8/7/2013 19:57 PM

(((livebythesea))) I know it's not what you want to hear, but you are LIGHT YEARS away from a place where forgiveness is possible, let alone expected.

Maybe your husband will become remorseful and transparent and empathetic. Maybe he will make a real effort to R.

Maybe he won't.

Either way, you will reach a point where forgiveness is possible.

That time is not now.

If he chooses to grow and change and become the man he should be--the man you deserve--forgiveness will take a different form than if he remains as he is.

I never saw remorse. I've never seen empathy. My husband is not sorry, except that he got caught--and therefore, his standard of living has changed.

Have I forgiven? Yes, but perhaps not in the way that you might think of forgiveness. I view it much like I view a bad debt. As a creditor, I know the debt will never be repaid. I wrote it off. But there's a blot on his credit record.

Had I seen remorse and empathy, my version of forgiveness would likely have taken more of the wipe-the-slate-clean form WH to which Mr Trac-Fone felt entitled.

livebythesea posted 8/13/2013 15:21 PM

After I wrote this initial post, (last Wednesday), shortly thereafter, I went to bed simply to avoid conversation with H. He came in the bedroom, rubbed my back, played with my hair ... he asked me what was wrong, I did not answer. I was so down! Ever since the counseling session, I was more confused, down, the worse. He stayed at my bedside for about 15 minutes. I said I would talk to him another time. I did not want to speak then. Then out of the blue, I got up and I started. We went over the whole thing again, why he did what he did, why he lied, what it meant to him. Same questions same answers.

It was a good conversation, a conversation which I am satisfied took place that night.

He told me again that he was remorseful, that he regretted what he did from the moment it started. That in his life he made bad choices, that he wanted to be a better husband a better father. (I do believe him).

I started work again yesterday, after being off for 6 weeks. It is a good thing for me, keeps my mind off the issues. Needless to say, the thoughts do creep up often, someday I do hope they creep up less and less.

What can I say, I have investigated all avenues. I am at a dead end. Only route to go from here is live and heal or live and leave. I somehow believe that he has told me everything and that he is sorry. Very sorry. The frustrating side of it is that he goes about his day, sleeps at night when I often go to bed with the evil thoughts on my mind and it does disturb my day. It hurts. Deep.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 15:41 PM


Why are you bottling up these evil thoughts.....let them flow and let them flow now. If you get into bed and something is bugging you speak up right then and need your sleep!!!! If you are like me and your mind obsesses say it and get it out. Just the action of saying what it is helps you relax.

You seemed to have exhausted all of the questions about the A and I think you have gotten much of the same answers each time. Now it is time to move from the A to why the marriage was hurting in the first place. You have said yourself in the last post that you are satisfied that the conversation took place and that you know what there is to know.

I think I am sensing that you are not satisfied with these reasons he is giving you for why the A happened.....the "you weren't there for me" was one you brought up. My husbands version of this was slightly different. I had made him FEEL that I no longer cared if he came home or not and that our lack of sexual intimacy made him feel our sexual life was over.........both explanations say pretty much the same thing but one sets blame and one talks in Feelings. If I had to chose it would certainly be my husbands explanation and I totally get why your husbands raised your ire and your suspicions.

Maybe, if you go one step further and ask him why he feels you weren't there for him you might get a more complete answer.

Learning to talk in feelings was very hard for us at first. We realized that our broken record style of communicating was leading us back down old paths. Thankfully we both wanted to get to the bottom of the issue and took a hurtful argument we had had one night in to our MC. That's when he helped us realize how we formed our communication styles back in our youth and that our parents interaction with each of us had led to our inability to effectively communicate. There isn't a hope in hell we would have come up with this on our own. Through this session we not only got to look at ourselves but we got a first hand look into each other past. Then the MC took it one step further and showed us through our parts charts how we had never been able to communicate effectively because of these pasts. He also helped us work through the same argument in a different way. Not only do we take our deep seeded past arguments in for his help now, we actively and daily practice our new found way of communicating.

Sorry, but that's all the ideas I can come up with right now. I am exhausted from my own night of hell unfortunately


livebythesea posted 8/13/2013 16:00 PM

Dear TxsT, He says I was not there for him sexually. I would say "not tonight, I'm tired". That is his reason. God, I was there for him more often than not. He was cold, hateful and unloving most of the time. Always working, never never any time for me or his kids. Maybe on Sundays ...

Thanks for your sound posts. You get my writings and I sure appreciate your story, your dealings, your thinking ... how manage it.

I do see a bit of improvement in my thinking. I do think of it a little less every day. That is a good thing!

heartache101 posted 8/13/2013 16:15 PM

You are early in all this.
I see you went back to work.
I hope it makes you feel stronger each day.

Remember he has to prove too you that he is safe with your heart. You have nothing to prove to him.

I would think after 36 years he should get that.. If not well you can fill that in too.

Lots of hugs from over here..
Sooo sorry you are hurting.
Why don't you print off some material on here and lay it on his bed to read when you are out and about having a fun ladies nite out soon.. Just a thought..
Do for you and let him keep a guessing it is good for him.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 16:18 PM

I see it too....together we can do anything we want!

StrongerOne posted 8/13/2013 20:08 PM

You may not be able to forgive him...I think it may help you to let go of your need to be forgiving?

I understand and accept that my FWH cheated. I even trust him about 99% as much as I did before his A. But I just don't forgive him. Maybe someday. Maybe not. It's ok either way, for me.

doggiediva posted 8/13/2013 20:50 PM

For your WH to say that you weren't there sexually for him as a reason for A is pure BS..Especially if you suffered his distant and inattentive treatment..
My WH would be irritable, hard to live with, say hurtful words to me or the kids by day, and then wonder why my longing for sex with him was gone whenever we had a chance to be alone together by night...
I think good sex and intimacy takes cultivating and work from both of the partners, as does all aspects of meaningful and deep relationships..
If a WS is excusing his /her A because he/she didn't get handed good sex/intimacy on a silver platter by his/her BS than he/she is lazy to say the very least, IMHO
Most good things in life take work and awareness..

Edited to slice out words of bitterness and pessimism

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 8/14/2013 07:58 AM

Gently here - The reason you can't know if you are capable of forgiving him, is because he is STILL NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY for is actions.
Regreting what you did is much different that being remorseful, and doing the hard work to fix himself.

You always tend to lean toward rugsweeiping, and moving on, but you have trouble with that, your gut screams at you. You feel deep down that things are still off. Well honey they are. He is STILL blaming you for his choices. That's like you blaming him for whatever bad choices you have ever made. Do you see that? It's like blaming someone for your drunk driving. Just because someone tells you there are no cops on your way home, doesn't make it ok for you to do it. KWIM?

Are you going to the IC that basically told you to get over it? Or did you find a new one?

I am glad that you are back to work, this will give you strength. Did you ever see a divorce attorney to find out your rights? Understand that you are capable of being happy without him, I think this fear is what is driving you to allow him to not man up and be responsible for what he did, and not creating consequences for him for what he did.

((((and strength))))

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