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I found about everything on Saturday. I have to remind myself that it was 5 days ago! Monday was so rough. I couldn't be alone at work. I left at noon crying. It was probably the worst day of my life.
Yesterday was awesome though. Took the day off work, went to a counseling session, and spent the day with him. Happy, didn't cry, didn't focus on negative things (don't get me wrong, it was in the back of my head the whole time but I was able to get past it).
And here we are today...not quite back to Monday but feeling very melancholy. Anger arises but I'm able to control it a bit (more because I have to today). I still cry at my desk a little.

I just don't understand how one day can feel so normal and the next feel like a ton of bricks. And I have to deal with this roller-coaster for 1-2 years? I can only hope and pray and meditate that since I actually had a full happy day within the first 5 that maybe they will out weigh the bad ones in the overall scope of things.

Hey there. Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be.

Looking back in my journal,

DDay tried to throw FWH out of the house, but asshole rolled over on his belly and begged and gave up all profiles, etc. Raged, screamed, wept, rinse, lather, repeat.

Day 1 Filthy email to him on his "private" email account, refused to do one damned thing around the house, had to get out so both went to a series of open houses which was fun and engaging, then to the store where I wept silently from the moment I walked into the store until I got back home.

Day 2 Left to go to the beach for a cancer walk, couldn't stay because I just couldn't stand people being nice to me, so went home. Found more shit on his computer, called him to get his ass home to delete it and was a trigger point away from throwing computer into pool.

Point is, that roller coaster is going to go up and down and up and down. When it's up, it's likely to be really up and when it's down, it's going to be like being flayed alive. So please do enjoy the good days when they come. They help you with the horrible ones. And don't be surprised when you keep taking downturns. ((hugs))