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I saw the IC today. Holy crap I didn't realize I had so much emotional baggage and had been carrying so much for so many for so long. After I spilled my life history she just looked at me and asked how I haven't had a breakdown before now? ( I have had some rather overwhelming losses and issues in my family). She then proceeded to validate my sadness and anger and feeling of being overwhelmed. In an hour I cried more than I have in my life. I feel raw and exposed, drained and tired but at the same time so angry and fired up that I let another person ( my WH) eat at my life and person and self esteem and my general sense of wellbeing and rightness. Right now it is a good thing that I am a sensible Level headed person because I want to kick his ass out move to some Caribbean island and just worry about me and no ones else for a change! To heck with work my family and marriage. Then I sit and realize I still love him and don't want to loose everything. My head is so screwed up! seeing the IC again next week and thanking the heavens I found this site and all of you who read my ramblings!

We tell ourselves we still love them - and we bend over the wheel for the disrespectful treatment, the lack of remorse, the continued hurts - because we don't want to lose them, but

we're really just losing a fantasy, what we wish they'd be. We're dependent on the comfort of familiarity, no matter how grindingly uncomfortable it really is (if we'd only let ourselves see).

"I still love him/her" keeps us entangled in abusive situations that we don't deserve.

The secret "out" is to get in love with yourself, respect yourself.
Love yourself, and you'll never lose yourself.

“I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves.”
Harriet Tubman

I hear you. The question is how much can we handle? How long can we handle it.
We didn't ask for this, can we live with it?
So far I've decided I can't live with it again. I will give everything I have to heal with him this time, but if it happens again....I can love him and still choose not to be hurt by him. That's as far as I've gotten. A door is open that will never be closed. And today sucks.

(((lucy & em)))
Sending strength.

How long, and when do you know are individual questions whose answers arise within you.
I never got the truth. But I finally got to a point where "I knew enough".

There is a clear roadmap for the end of confusion - to have successful R, 4 things.
Remorse
Honesty
Transparency
NC

You need them all.
Without any one of them, the way out is the 180.
It's that simple and that hard.

Note: the 180/way out is really the way in. To yourself.

jjct I hear what you are saying and it is exactly how I am feeling...I look back and think of all the abusive shit and think why have I wasted 25 years and then I think of the happy times and the person I do love still and know I need to give it this one chance but as lucy17 say it is only one chance I won't go through this again. I will keep pushing for us to see a MC and if hr refuses then he has made his choice and his bad he will then have to live with it and lie in it. He will be loosing an amazing and patient wife who has put up with all kinds of Crap...his loss. I am strong it is time to heal me now and work on me. He gets to work on winning ME back not the other way around! 4 days past D day and facing my daemons! moments of smiling!

Man, I must seem to be full of bad news here! Normally, I'm a fungi!

I'm afraid of MC with an unremorseful spouse.
Too many damaging stories to tell.
I notice you're the one who is pushing as well. Doing the work.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm telling you - you can't fix this because you didn't break it.
He needs to do the work - I'm sorry it's true.
You are not dealing with a remorseful spouse. He needs to go to IC himself.

His A killed your M.
There's no M to get counseling on.
You are offering a gift of R.
He has to be willing to do the work and build a new M.
You can't make him. You certainly can't do it for him.

What's left?
Working on fixing you.
IC, great!

I don't mean to sound like a hard ass. It just hurts to see you suffer, and when I see the pattern: *does not work*, I feel I have to warn you of the cliff.

many hugs.

Thanks jjct it is funny you wrote what you did....he came home today and told me he cancelled his IC session because he is feeling good. My initial reaction was to push again for joint MC but then I stopped and thought and realized that You ARE right he has no remorse and does not see where he is doing Anything wrong. Time to work on me I am going to continue IC and see where life leads. I have some work to do on me before I can put all my ducks in a row. I feel the need to be able to rub his nose in what he will be loosing! We have not been intimate in a year anyway and he shows no interest ( he had some health trouble that made him scared to have sex with me...Long story. I knew he was viewing porn but thought he had no real libido as it isn't the first time we have had a sex break maybe there is more to that he than I know). Anyway long story short all that is left is to keep up the day to day stuff of house and home and work on me! I can find my support and fun elsewhere. He will either wake up one day and show remorse tell the honest truth and make an effort or he won't. I have realized I really don't care. It is his loss and he has to win me back. It is all about me now.

Em,

jjct is right. My WW's confession hit me so hard I'm still spinning. I'm almost a month from D-Day and she has shown no signs of remorse. In fact she didn't even hide the fact she was going over there. Finally after following her around like a puppy dog for a week she told me in plain English that she had no intention of breaking it off. I think she's been unhappy for awhile and is using this A as an exit. She is weak, not willing or able to fight for us. So I'm out. It's been email contact or text. Our phone lines, bank accounts, and individual debts are now separated. The house is on the market and I've had three showings in ten days. I'm moving on because I can't put myself through a false R. I can't have this happen again. I'm so fortunate. We don't have kids. I have the chance to move to the Gulf Coast. I'm closer with my family and friends than I've ever been. I'm going to have a great life for ME. When she runs herself into the ground and comes begging back I'm going to change my number. She broke it. She won't fix it. It's time to take care of myself.

love and hugs

Hi sunsets...I am sorry that our story sounds so similar. I have been married 25 years so I am not willing to walk away for this 1 infidelity. I know that's sounds ridiculous but I have to be able to say I gave him a chance. I am done with trying to beg for his attention, if he wants me he has to work to win me back and while he tries ( or should is say thinks about wether he wants to try) I will be making me into a better person. I will then know that I can walk away leaving him sick that he lost the best thing he ever had and trust me he will regret loosing me! I wish you all the best in what sounds like a fabulous future...it's you WW loss hugs right back.