Looking back now as the BS, I wonder if there's a place here that unwilling OM/OW can vent? Or do we just use the General forum? Because I think back and I feel even worse than I did back then. JESUS. I want to vomit anew.
It probably brings up the issue that you should have told the BH, but it's bull that she would even put you in that position..
Lots of hugs..
ButterflyGirl: Thank you so much. But I feel like complete SHIT because I participated in an act that may have ripped apart the lives of three little kids. I think the oldest was 9. I don't know if a divorce took place, but I am sure as hell certain that there was incredible turmoil in that family. I didn't tell the betrayed husband, it was the wife of another man who was at the same conference I was at. Yes, the cheater whom I had sex with had sex with myself and one other man over that weekend, at the very least.
I only heard about when I got home. One of my co-workers stayed late at the conference and there was a huge fuss because the wife of the other guy threw a glass of water or wine or something at the cheater and word got out. He didn't know I had sex with her too. My pleasant remembrance of that evening turned into horror at the thought of being party to something as vile as this. I wasn't a dad yet but I always placed great store on protecting children. I felt sick back then. Now as the betrayed husband with two beautiful little kids I feel absolutely sick again. I look back and all I can see is that I HELPED SOMEONE POISON A MARRIAGE WITH LITTLE KIDS IN IT. I'm going to skip dinner tonight.
I HELPED SOMEONE POISON A MARRIAGE WITH LITTLE KIDS IN IT.
But you didn't. "Helping" by your definition indicates you knew the full situation going in and chose to do it anyway. If that were the case, it could be argued. However, this was not the case.
When I "help" with laundry, dishes, mowing the lawn for my elderly neighbor, donate to a food bank or give blood, I am completely aware of what I am getting myself into and what to expect. You were not helping. You were lied to and that sucks, but the responsibility of what happened in and/or to their M as a result of HER actions falls directly on HER.
Hang in there.
My current fiance (we're getting married this saturday actually) cyber-cheated with a bunch of women. He didn't tell any of them about me and they thought he was single while they texted and carried on. I don't hold any hostility towards any of those women. They didn't know- he lied to them too. One of them is actually one of the patients that comes into the clinic. She has no idea who I am at all- I remain very professional at work obviously and that would be completely inappropriate of me to ever bring up ("hey, that guy you sexted with from CL a year ago was my fiance"). It bothers me a little to see her, but she is a lovely person and I actually don't hate her.
A lot of the OM/W that we vent about in here are people who KNEW our SO's were married and had sex with them anyway.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Back in my single days, I met a guy at a bar once. He took me home, and we hooked up. It wasn't until afterwards, when I was in the bathroom, that I confronted him about a bunch of feminine products. I found out that he had a long term girlfriend, they lived together and she was pregnant. I was completely disgusted and horrified with myself. I felt terrible.
I ended up finding him via his contact information on facebook, and facebooking her. I was humiliated, and she was angry, called me a bunch of names, and accused me of being a slut. I understood her anger.
It isn't your fault that she lied. Don't beat yourself up over it.
BSs can't start a thread in the WS forum and ArableSands doesn't qualify for madhatter rules so General it is.
You cannot change the past. What's done, is done, and gone, is gone.
But you can learn, and carry those lessons forward into your future.
If things don't work out with your WS, and you end up single again, what will you do different?
If things do work out with your WS, and you stay with her, what is the take-away lesson for you to apply to your life going forward? What does it say about you and your boundaries and decision making?
All of these are rhetorical questions, but worth pondering. Don't beat yourself up over something you didn't know the reality about, but maybe ask yourself, why didn't I know the reality and what does that mean?
Don't beat yourself up over something you didn't know the reality about, but maybe ask yourself, why didn't I know the reality and what does that mean?
I didn't know the reality because I trusted the woman I was about to have sex with to present herself truthfully. The same way I did to her. So what that means is...I shouldn't trust anyone?
Somehow I don't think that's the answer you're hoping I would come to.