We told our adult children (18, 24, 28)that we are divorcing this week. Unlike many people here, my experience was apparently the exception - my kids had NO IDEA it was coming, nor did they say anything like, "Well, it's about time." They were shocked...truly shocked. I guess I was a much better actor than I thought, and so was my husband. I don't even know what to think about that. In the conversation about the divorce, we did not reveal the affair (which happened many years ago).
Next, I told my sisters, and my elderly mother. That was tough. But bless my mother's heart, she was wonderful and supportive. My mother - my heart...that's all I can say.
Then last night, after our kids called a family meeting to share their feelings, my husband decided to tell them that he'd had an affair. He said it quickly, and then went on to other things, never allowing them time to ask questions or even process it.
The last of the really difficult discussions took place this morning when I told my 92 year old father. His head slumped to his chest and he didn't speak. He said, "Oh no," quietly, as someone who has learned of a death would. Those were the last words he spoke before leaving the room and not returning. I broke his heart.
And in all honesty, I feel like that's all I did this week - I did the one thing I'd avoided all my life - hurting people. I broke hearts wherever I went. And I'm "spent." I have nothing left.
How will I ever get through this? How will I get through tomorrow and next week? I know that in the future, I will have gotten through it, but what about now? I've broken all hearts and left a trail of destruction everywhere, and then I walked away with the rubble at my feet, sadness sticks to me like rocks stuck in your shoes, thorns stuck to your clothes. I'm devastated. ~L
[This message edited by Lisa2You at 5:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
I did the one thing I'd avoided all my life - hurting people. I broke hearts wherever I went.
Maybe FT and I would have divorced at sometime in the future but guaranteed it would never have hurt so many others if it weren't for his lying and cheating.
Give yourself some down time to regroup.
It just all sucks.
[This message edited by gma56 at 7:13 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
That sounds SO HARD. I feel for you, I really do
I know it feels like it's all your fault, but it is NOT. It is your life your husband has screwed over, and you are just informing your family of the outcome. Don't beat yourself up for BEING THE MESSENGER.
Please remember that although others are hurting, you did not tell them to hurt them. Your actions never hurt them. You have to decide how to live your life with dignity and to move on without pain into your new beginnings.
Your father needs to process this. He will do OK and will come to accept the news. YOUR HUSBAND has let your father down and your dad is having to deal with this disappointment.
Give your kids a chance to absorb their new reality, and let them know you want to give them a chance to talk about the news their father dumped on them about WHY and then pretended it wasn't news.
Hearts break, and hearts heal. Nobody else is ever going to hurt as much as you've hurt through this process. It will be much easier for them because they are not the central players in this tragedy.
Allow yourself to express your grief and pain and where you are in your healing to your family honestly now, without hiding it any more. If they are shocked it's because they didn't know how much you were hurting. Let your reality come to light.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
I do want to say something about the not sleeping part. You know when you aren't sleeping everything is worse. You can't cope as well. You are more emotional.
When I split from my X, I never went on AD's, but I did go to my doctor and got about 20 mild sleeping pills. I did not take them on nights I had the kids, or on nights I had to get up for work...but you know what? Getting that one solid night sleep every 2 weeks or so? It made a world of difference. I actually never ended up taking the last one. I was sleeping on my own by that point. In the short term though, they really helped my thinking process and let me get the sleep I needed to focus on what I needed to do.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
However I can not agree more with Devistatemom, you need to take care of yourself, I did not use sleeping pill. I simply had one beer. And I will be so relaxed, but I am sure one beer won't get me addicted, so it helped.
Hang in there, it will get better.
I didn't find out about the year-long affair until about five years after. Since that time, I tried to forgive. I really did. But I just couldn't cope or get over it. I tried so hard. What I became is a hateful, vindictive, woman who had no respect for anything my H said or did. But nobody but me and him knew the reason. So now...after 10+ years of this, it DOES feel like I'm to blame. I feel like a bitch. And I know those close to me have seen it - especially my kids. It takes reminders like you all gave me, that no, this whole thing was brought on by him. It was his choice to sleep with another woman. It was his choice to hide it and like about it for years and years. It was all his choice. Thanks for the reminder - I needed that. And by the way, I did not share with my family the reason for the divorce. Should I? I have mixed feelings about it. I'm beginning to realize that when I don't give the real reason, people assume that you simple "grew apart" or that you were simply "married too young (19)." I don't like spreading the hopeless message that love is that fickle.
Anyway, thank you all so much! My evening would have been much sadder without you! ~L
"Oh no" absolutely did not mean "Oh I'm so disappointed." It meant "Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry you are being hurt this way."
I've broken all hearts and left a trail of destruction everywhere, and then I walked away with the rubble at my feet, sadness sticks to me like rocks stuck in your shoes, thorns stuck to your clothes.
edited to add that yes, you should tell family members the reason why. There is no reason to sugar coat it with nonsense like "we just grew apart". Nobody is going to really believe it anyway.
[This message edited by sparkysable at 11:00 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
The good news is that it does get better from here. Moment by moment, day by day, it gets better. Hour by hour, the layers of hurt slough off. The sun shines again. Strength returns, and wounds begin to heal.
Hang in there, honey. The good stuff is ahead of you.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön