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lucy17 posted 8/7/2013 17:35 PM

Today is a rough day. I couldn't sleep last night--too much of them in my thoughts. So I've just been writing and writing. I don't know if it helps.
Confusing sorrow with sleep
Restless minutes tick by
Like slowly prodding nails
In her soul.

They build themselves a little world.
Existed on another plane.
Floated on a bubble of happiness.
A perfect sphere of love and lust.
I didn't knock on their bubble.
I didn't pull on the string.
I didn't see it at all.
But someone did.
Someone did.
What if someone didn't?

"I want her so much
my blood boils.
I've never felt like this.
It's good. Oh so good.
Don't worry.
You don't exist where I want her.
You don't exist at all."

The words he said on Sunday:
I'm sorry, it's over
I love her
If only
Are different than the words he said on Monday:
I'm sorry, it's over
I love you
If only
One small change
One word
One inflection
Do I believe Sunday or Monday
Because both lay me bare and sliced through.

I will cry and I will rage
But I will never be the same
That's okay
You didn't love the old me
"Our love has lessened," you said.
"It has?" I whisper.
That's not my reality.
If we don't share reality
How do we share a life?

I'm scarred.
Can you see my scars?
So many (I love her) so deep (if only).
They'll never heal.
Sometimes they glow
With ferocious luminosity.

I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired
But he feels only lust for his mouth on her breast.
I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired
But he feels only joy when he sees her smile.
I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired
But he can only admire her intelligence and style.
I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired.
But he never will.
An I hate him for it.

"She changed me."
She doesn't get to change you
But she did
And in doing so changed me
The new me sucks
Blubbering idiot
Sleeping on concrete
Existing on coffee.

I will never be a victim.
But I am.
A victim of your choice.
Why do you have this power?
Who gave it to you?

I'm waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Riding on this train I can't fathom getting off.
But I will.
I will.
My foot is at the door.
My gaze goes to the windows
I wonder if there is more.

MovingUpward posted 8/7/2013 18:33 PM


sunsetslost posted 8/7/2013 21:03 PM

there is more. so much more

TS68 posted 8/7/2013 23:57 PM

It is hard to imagine before the DDay that the pain could be this intense, so devastating and so relentless!! Sleep is so elusive. I can be exhausted, sleep for 2 hours and wake up, just to have all these crazy realities come crashing back.
One thing I have noticed, is that on the nights I do sleep ~5-6 hours, I am stronger. Go to your doctor for something to help you sleep or try melatonin 3mg from the Heath food store. It helps.
And sleep on the couch, if necessary.
You are not alone. It is all of us with a conscience and a heart that cannot sleep...

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