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Just Found Out :
rough day

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 lucy17 (original poster member #40187) posted at 11:35 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

Today is a rough day. I couldn't sleep last night--too much of them in my thoughts. So I've just been writing and writing. I don't know if it helps.

Confusing sorrow with sleep

Restless minutes tick by

Like slowly prodding nails

In her soul.

They build themselves a little world.

Existed on another plane.

Floated on a bubble of happiness.

A perfect sphere of love and lust.

I didn't knock on their bubble.

I didn't pull on the string.

I didn't see it at all.

But someone did.

Someone did.

What if someone didn't?

"I want her so much

my blood boils.

I've never felt like this.

It's good. Oh so good.

Don't worry.

You don't exist where I want her.

You don't exist at all."

The words he said on Sunday:

I'm sorry, it's over

I love her

If only

Are different than the words he said on Monday:

I'm sorry, it's over

I love you

If only

One small change

One word

One inflection

Do I believe Sunday or Monday

Because both lay me bare and sliced through.

I will cry and I will rage

But I will never be the same

That's okay

You didn't love the old me

"Our love has lessened," you said.

"It has?" I whisper.

That's not my reality.

If we don't share reality

How do we share a life?

I'm scarred.

Can you see my scars?

So many (I love her) so deep (if only).

They'll never heal.

Sometimes they glow

With ferocious luminosity.

I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired

But he feels only lust for his mouth on her breast.

I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired

But he feels only joy when he sees her smile.

I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired

But he can only admire her intelligence and style.

I want him to hate her, for the cruelty she inspired.

But he never will.

An I hate him for it.

"She changed me."

She doesn't get to change you

But she did

And in doing so changed me

The new me sucks

Blubbering idiot

Sleeping on concrete

Existing on coffee.

Victim.

I will never be a victim.

But I am.

A victim of your choice.

Why do you have this power?

Who gave it to you?

I'm waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Riding on this train I can't fathom getting off.

But I will.

I will.

My foot is at the door.

My gaze goes to the windows

I wonder if there is more.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 38
Him- WS 44
1 child- 13 years old
together 21 years, legally married 17
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

posts: 153   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2013
id 6438914
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MovingUpward ( member #14866) posted at 12:33 AM on Thursday, August 8th, 2013

((((lucy17))))

posts: 54450   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2007
id 6438995
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sunsetslost ( member #39885) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, August 8th, 2013

there is more. so much more

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

posts: 800   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2013   ·   location: The beach.
id 6439223
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TS68 ( member #40211) posted at 5:57 AM on Thursday, August 8th, 2013

Lucy17

It is hard to imagine before the DDay that the pain could be this intense, so devastating and so relentless!! Sleep is so elusive. I can be exhausted, sleep for 2 hours and wake up, just to have all these crazy realities come crashing back.

One thing I have noticed, is that on the nights I do sleep ~5-6 hours, I am stronger. Go to your doctor for something to help you sleep or try melatonin 3mg from the Heath food store. It helps.

And sleep on the couch, if necessary.

You are not alone. It is all of us with a conscience and a heart that cannot sleep...

Me: 48
Him: 50
Married 22 years too many
DS19, DS17, DD10
Divorced

Know your worth.

posts: 1422   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Detroit, Michigan
id 6439377
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