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About to Lose It

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Ammare888 posted 8/7/2013 17:39 PM

DDay was a week ago. From the very beginning WH has wanted to reconcile. Says he will will do whatever it takes.

I found out this weekend though that he signed up for a new messenger account the day after he deleted the old one.

All of the things I have asked him to do, give passwords, write no contact letters, don't delete anything, none of it has been done. The only thing he did was see a counselor. He keeps saying he just wants to move forward and work on us.

He doesn't get that I can't until I know everything. I also feel like he is still lying to me. He said he signed up for the new account to "fix things", but that just doesn't make sense to me. What's worse is that she keeps trying to contact him and I keep reading the messages. They are killing me. This is killing me.

I want to go away for a few days by myself. I need to. What do I do because I have a son? I have to get away but I can't.

hard_yards posted 8/7/2013 17:55 PM

So sorry he's still carrying on this way.

Honey, a new email address is to stay in contact with her, he's like an addict right now, can't let go, can't stop, needs a fix.

Read up on the 180, and put it into practice, hard. This will make you stronger and better able to stand your ground and demand your minimum requirements are met at least.

Oh, and the other thing.... tell him he's still lying and cheating by contacting her in any way...

"trying to fix things".... bah!!

Your right, if things don't make sense, it's usually a lie. Hugs

newnormal posted 8/8/2013 07:20 AM


Give him 6 months for him to have a rectal crainiotomy, no more. Either he becomes remorseful or move on. Keep posting and the wonderful SI folks will help you sort this mess out. Until then, take care of yourself. What do YOU want to do for yourself today?

damaged71 posted 8/8/2013 07:30 AM

Ammare88... The folks above me nailed it.

Do the 180 and do it hard. Imagine you are dealing with a drug addict. It's the only thing that I know that is comparable behavior wise. They will want to continue to use for a while. The longer you put up with it the longer it goes on.

The most powerful thing you can do is withhold yourself from participating. That's the only thing that you can control so start there. Once the safe place that your WH counts on starts to feel different it might wake him up.

This is hard but you will make it.

EchoLawrence posted 8/8/2013 07:47 AM

I know how you feel. My situation was quite similar. While the A was going on (he carried on out of state, it was very public) I would always meet up with him when he came back to town. Every time he'd see me, he'd tell me he was gong to end it, but as long as I was there waiting, he never did. Just kept going back very much like an addict. (If you haven't read up about the 'fog' state of mind, please do.) That does seem to be where your WH's head is at right now. He also seems to be doing a little compartmentalization as well.

Anyway, as hard as it is to do, right now the best thing you can do is to shift your focus from him to you. I found that when I set off on my own, started NC, and put my energy into activities that bettered myself, I gained confidence. I really became happier. NC for our relationship lasted about a month. I became a more independent and confident person, while it gave him time to come out of the fog, realize what was important and end the A. He ended all Contact with the OW, and we've been in R ever since.

[This message edited by EchoLawrence at 7:47 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

EchoLawrence posted 8/8/2013 07:52 AM

Also, I fully endorse getting away for a few days. Do you have any trusted family or friends who'd be willing to watch your son while you're away?

dargirl posted 8/8/2013 08:03 AM

I feel exactly the same as you- you are not alone, I need to know ALL the details in order to move forward.. my husband bought a new phone.. which we quickly got rid of ... the only reason he needed a phone was for others to reach him.. he is an addict and we are moving forward finally.. I have learned so many more details over the last few days and it has set me free .. him too I think.. but they really need to want to tell the truth.. they cannot go on and lie..
what you have to ask yourself is.. do I still want to be with this person or move on? IF You are answer yes to the first question.. don't give up.. MAKE him be true to you.... dont get mad just take it all in and put it away... everyday will get better and better... go out with friends.. etc.. have fun.. look after you..

Ammare888 posted 8/8/2013 10:03 AM

Thank you everyone for the advice. I decided I will stop engaging. Either he does it or he doesn't and it's my choice what to do with it. I just don't know how long to give him before I move on. I do really need a few days alone to get myself together.

I really need to get myself in to IC. For some reason I just keep putting it off though.

Last night was bad. I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time and I keep getting sick. I lose any food that I am able to eat right now and the only relief I find is in running. 7 miles yesterday on an empty stomach. I'm a little bit worried about my health.

He said he will write the NC letters today. I really hope that he comes through for me on this. I need to see something from him besides words. I know that him being in IC is a good thing, but I just need to see actions. I always thought I was the type of person that if someone cheated I would just tell them to leave. The feelings I am having right now are hard for me to process. I feel like nothing in my life has been real. Everyone keeps telling me they know he loves me though.

Healing2012 posted 8/8/2013 10:25 AM

Everyone above me really said it well. I just wanted to add that IC was so important for me (and still is). Having that objective person I could vent to and cry in front of was crucial to my sanity.

As far as the 180 goes, everytime I felt like contacting my WH, I came here and posted. It is difficult - sometimes it was a minute to minute struggle for me - but it will help you feel stronger.

Hang in there! We are here for you...

Painfuljourney posted 8/8/2013 10:25 AM

That wouldn't fly with me either. My WH told me about the affair years after it happened so it was definitely over. But he was on porn dating sites. So he gave me his laptop (doesn't have a smart phone). He doesn't use it anymore. I took it from him. He no longer has access to computer in his "office" with the door shut. He uses the family computer now. He's totally fine with it. I have full access to everything he does now. It wouldn't be ok if I didn't. I don't have to check up on him now because we are really talking a ton and he's so different now. I know he's at rest with honesty and full discovery.

Sorry but it sounds like your husband isn't ready to let it go. And OW would be dead if she continued that shit. I would make your husband write her a NC letter and change all his numbers, etc.

Ammare888 posted 8/8/2013 10:42 AM

I want him to get rid of his smart phone and change his email address and phone number. He uses them for work though (he actually used his same email address to be in contact). Is that still a request I should make?

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