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I hate roller coasters

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confused777 posted 8/7/2013 17:54 PM

I almost had a panic attack at work. The reality is sinking in. WHAT DID I do to deserve this treatment.

I realize he doesn't love me like I love him and I think he'll be happy if I leave him. So I need to get the strength to get off the roller coaster. I can never ever forgive or forget so I need to leave now while I'm in my 30s. This is my mantra and it works until I see him and talk to him. Then I want to stay in la la land forever. I know it's la la land. I just want my old life back. The one I thought I had and minus the cheating.

Done whining

MovingUpward posted 8/7/2013 18:35 PM


These times can be tough. Are you taking care of yourself?

Landoes posted 8/7/2013 18:55 PM

I'm the same way. Throughout the day, I want to stay and leave her. I don't know what is making us stay with cheaters. I'm actually ashamed to stay with her because I akways thought I would leave a cheater, no questions asked. Man, was I wrong.
I, too, am thinking it over and over, and don't see myself moving past the betrayal.

Broken6 posted 9/8/2013 14:41 PM

I ALWAYS thought it was black and white. If you cheat, you are out of here. I had a college boyfriend cheat. I had no problem kicking him to the curb. Never looked back. Over the 21 years I have been married, we have had several of our married friends in this predicament, and none of them stayed with the cheater. I always told my spouse, you cheat, we are through. So now I am here, eating my words, and not liking myself for not following through, for not standing up for my convictions. Why? Why am I staying with someone who would treat me so unfairly, and with so little respect. I hate to say it, but I don't respect myself for staying. It is hard to leave though. We have 4 kids, it would disrupt everything about their life. It would be hard to start over, especially at my age. I don't want to be alone. I also don't want to make it easy for the OW -she had her sights set on my H, and really worked hard to influence a D, and to get her clutches on him. I don't know if I want him either anymore, but I will be damned if I am going to hand him over that easily. Why should she walk in and take my life, the one that he and I have spent building the last 21 years. He would not be where he is today, if I had not supported him on every track and opportunity. She doesn't get the reap the benefits that I sewed. I hate the rollercoaster too, and one thing for sure that I can stick to my guns on, is that I will not ride one at an amusement park for fun anymore. This experience has just taken all the fun out of that. Maybe the carousel?

Thefly559 posted 9/8/2013 15:26 PM

I am so sorry for your situation. I guess in a way I should thank my stbxw for showing no remorse at all , for having an exit affair! Because if she did I would be in the shoes of so many others who have to make that choice to get past the affair . It is hard , I know , because it was hard for me with no remorse from her. If she actually cried for a minute or begged me back I would die! It is normal your/ our reaction . We love unconditional , all of us have been there and feel the same pain but don't you think you deserve better? It's hard I know I have kids too , but once you are able to step outside the marraige and look in at the betrayal you might think different. Or if you have a daughter think what advice you would tell her in the exact same situation? For me that is how I try to get past it . I think of how my kids wouldn't respect me for my groveling , that I did a lot of in the beginning . Just some things to think about that worked for me . Hope you find peace in whatever road you choose and I wish you the best!

MJane posted 9/9/2013 12:15 PM

I read Broken6 post and could have written it. I had no doubts I'd end it with any man who betrayed. My mum lived through this with my dad and I saw the consequences. At times I see him with our son and think the love is still there and maybe I can build a life. Then I see he needs to go out of town or work late and all I think about are all those nights when 'work' was something else. I ask myself if staying is just devaluing myself and what I believed in. I had a pretty awful childhood and desperately craved a secure family life of my own. I didn't want my son to have split up family. Then again am starting to think maybe a split up set of parents but a mum who doesn't feel deep shame at living with a man who failed to respect her in the most fundamental way might not be the worst option - jury still out from hour to hour....

1Faith posted 9/9/2013 12:44 PM


You can't measure love. Love is a decision. We make a decision everyday if and who we are going to love and how will demonstrate that love.

No two people are alike and how they demonstrate and show love can be very different.

You CAN however, define your boundaries. What you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. The web site visit. Meeting other's etc. will never have your old life back. It's gone. And would you really want it? It was filled with lies and deceit.

You can build a new life. A life you know is authentic and real. That may or may not be with your WH.

You did NOTHING to deserve this. NOTHING. Please know this.

He is broken. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. Only he can take control and do some real soul searching to see if this is truly the man he wants to be.

You deserve more. Love, honesty and truth.

Don't give up on you. You are awesome.

Prayers and hugs

mixedintherut posted 9/9/2013 12:45 PM

Being in limbo sucks, the roller coaster sucks, the fact that we are in this position SUCKS!

There are so many thoughts/feelings and it's normal!

Not sure how knew all of this is for you, but it is okay not to make a decision to D or R right away. Either one will affect your life forever, so you need to be as sure as you can be making which ever decision you make!

My roller coaster ride has gone loopy the past few days, and honestly, I am ready to get off. I still don't see an end in site, whether it be R or D. Sometimes, the not knowing what I want for ME and our daughter, is worse then the EA itself!

It does get better, unfortunately it takes time, and sometimes it 1 minute seems like a day!

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