SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

NotsosunnyG posted 8/7/2013 19:53 PM

I'm very new to this forum which was recommended to me. I have been reading for the past few days and slowly catching on to the short forms, processes in these situations etc. It makes me feel so much better that my all-over-the-emotions seem 'normal' .

So, WH and I were already having marriage problems. I think it started around the time DD was born when he began to struggle with depression, anxiety etc. I have dealt with these in addition to his low self esteem etc for a number of years (DD is 8). We have been together for 20 years and married for 11.

Four years ago, we saw a counselor a few times and we are back in the same position where we were more companions than friends, haven't been intimate in about three years or so. So in June, we went back to the counsellor. We saw her three times thoughout June, and then were sent to work on some things. We thought that if we didn't see improvements by September that we would separate.

D-Day was last Friday.....I'm still grappling with it. I had this sneaking suspicion that I should poke around a bit, so got into his laptop, even though he has it password protected. First I found he had made an account on a dating site for affairs but it didn't look like he ever posted, no messages etc. then, another website popped up in the history of a local escort forum. I am so naive I had no idea they existed. It automatically logged him in and I found the only posts he had made, starting with a review of an escort he had met up with and other comments about her. From this, I discerned that he had seen this particular escort three times. The kicker is that it was at exactly the same times as our counseling appointments. Day before, day after etc. I almost threw up. Yesterday, I sent back on the computer to check his emails (I couldn't help myself) and ANOTHER escort was replying to an email as he had missed his appointment last Thursday (day before I found out) and she referenced two weeks before. I was so furious and confronted him again with not at least coming clean when he knew I knew.

He is acting very remorseful overall, embarrassed, and struggling emotionally/mentally. He needs ALOT of help!

We have decided to have a trial separation to give me some space and so he can work on the many issues he has. I've set a six month separation. Right now, most of the time things are calm, sometimes for DDs sake but I've been on this insane roller coaster.

One if the struggles I have is that I can't find as much support with infidelity with escorts than with more long term affairs. I have found a few threads on here from reading randomly but even googling doesn't get me far. I am a big researcher/reader so I would love to hear of a suitable book as a starting place ( I gather some aren't as relatable to this situation)

TrustedHer posted 8/7/2013 22:33 PM

So sorry you're here, where none of us wanted to be. But glad you found us.

I don't have much to say about your situation, but I thought I'd bump your post so others can see it.

Make sure you read everything you can in the Healing Library. It's in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen.

Drink water, sleep, eat something. Stay healthy.

sailorgirl posted 8/7/2013 22:47 PM

Notsosunny,

I'm so sorry your H is struggling and damaged and betrayed you. I bumped a post about WS's who pay for encounters with strangers.

We have lots of posters with similar experiences to yours and I'm sure they'll be along to help.

Remember that be came into the marriage with this brokenness. You did not cause it and can not cure it. His emotional health is his responsibility.

Hugs!

NotsosunnyG posted 8/7/2013 23:17 PM

Thanks for the bumps. I find myself reading the site every night when I can't sleep. I will read hathnofurys thread and dig deeper into the library.

I read somewhere else on the site, maybe in the intro about eating, sleeping etc and didn't pay much attention and now that you have said it again I realize I am not doing much of either! So thank you for the reminder!