I dont know what to do.
I am the only one fighting for this marriage. He is just pushing me away.
We had a GOOD marriage, some tensions sometimes... but GOOD. Hehit mid life crisis, depression, and went wild. NOW, to justify his guilt (and he has guilt) he is villfying the whole marriage. Saying we hated each other, we never got along, I hate him, etc.
Srsly, If I hated this man, I would not be trying so hard to fix him. BUT how to fix him and deal with my own PAIN?
I gave it up to GOD today--- and I will just stop fighting the tide and see where everything lands. BUT the scary thing is that I think if I bury it, I will end up in severe depression, and I think my moods change with the wind. (counselor told him this was normal when he complained about it).
Just shoot me.
Now you have to decide how much of his crap you are going to take before you kick his butt to the curb. He will realize how stupid he is after a while. Don't engage him what so ever. It will just fuel his emotions. Walk away, don't say anything. Except something like, I will not discuss anything until you get your head out of your ass and grow up.
I had to do that with my H many times, before he realized the error of his ways.
[This message edited by Hearthache again at 8:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
Repeat repeat repeat.
Get the book, "Codependent No More." Study the 180 and implement it.
Think behavior modification strategies. You know how to get a toddler to do what you want right? Or a dog? It isn't by yelling the loudest or by picking them up and making them do it. The result of that is they dig their heels in and get louder and/or sneakier about the behavior.
You turn away. You have the treats, and the attention that is desired and you take it and "go away." Quietly. Calmly. And do your own thing until they come to you.
You are an English teacher? You have psychology background courses? Think about what you know and put it into practice here.
I can completely relate to what you have experienced with your WH. My WH has produced the same drama when I've pushed for details and threatened to leave if I didn't quit. Our MC says its because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.
I know you are already feeling shattered and this just heaps on the misery. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom or experience but I don't. I'm not trying to fix my WH but I do want him to think about what led him to do these things and change his behavior if we are to continue together. I'm still hanging on for better or for worse. If you are like me you are struggling with the idea of the 180 and afraid that it will be the final thing that pushes him away for good. However, I'm almost to that point just for self-preservation sake.
I too have given it up to the Lord, unfortunately I keep trying to take it back. It's so hard but I take comfort that one way or another I will come through the other side of this mess and be OK. You will too.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:01 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]
60 years young..
His protestations are really over the top, I am willing to bet he is still in communication with OW if not still seeing her. This is a red flag to me.
What was the outcome of his little fit? Did he leave? Did you say ok fine don't do it? Did he manage to get you to agree to no more MC?
He is threatening you in an attempt to get you to submit. Don't.
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM - he's a big boy, and only he can do that, if he chooses to. If not then saving the M is nearly impossible, unless you choose to live your life being miserable.
Read up on the 180, this is for your protection. It's to help you find your center again, and thus gain perspective on the situation. So many of us early on are so afraid of losing our spouse or our M we try anything to get the WS to stay, and choose us. The fact of the matter is that we have already lost them, the person they once were, or who we believed they were. Many of us here have learned that you have to be willing to loose that M that you so desperately believe in to save it.
WH was the epitome of stubbornness, and wanting things his way in dealing with the aftermath of the A. This behavior has earned him an in house separation because he refuses to go live elsewhere..
My WH must have been thinking that this living situation is tolerable for him because he still has a roof over his head and lives off of unemployment..
I told him yesterday that I can't afford to pay all of the bills any more he is going to have to fork over more money for household bills or else we will have to live in a hot dark house..
We will see if his life here at the house still suits his taste once he realizes that he is going to have to work much harder to keep status quo..
Don't lose respect for yourself by letting your WH walk all over you..
Hugs and Strength
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]