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"work on us" "get over affair" pls help.

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FeelSoSmall posted 8/7/2013 20:29 PM

I have asked for three things. A letter of no contact, a love letter and a list of promises. After 16 days, I have none. He says he wont send the NC letter bc "he already ended it and it would look weird" I can think of lots of ways to reiterate it for my peace ofmind that wouldnt look weird. I think he's full of BS.
Then said he would only send one if MC said it was needed. Made appt with MC, told her what it was about... told her letter was first to discuss. He went, she said do it, he said okay.... then got in the car and started on a tirade! "I dominated the conversation- she's old and useless, she didnt listen to him, I used better persusive arguments and cried victim so of course she sided with me... it wasnt worth his time, he was ambushed..." NOW... none of this is true, we spoke quietly and she heard both sides... he was just kicking dust.
Fast forward 2 hours and he throws a TANTRUM in the mall. Its over, he is calling his boss, moving away, giving up everything, changing all his passwords, quitting his job, on and on" GOT really scary!
9:30 and still no letter. ONly his request that we STOP talking about his "F-up" (I screwed up, Im sorry is about all I get out of him) and he cant "DEAL WITH IT" anymore....and he is "done".

I dont know what to do.
I am the only one fighting for this marriage. He is just pushing me away.
We had a GOOD marriage, some tensions sometimes... but GOOD. Hehit mid life crisis, depression, and went wild. NOW, to justify his guilt (and he has guilt) he is villfying the whole marriage. Saying we hated each other, we never got along, I hate him, etc.
Srsly, If I hated this man, I would not be trying so hard to fix him. BUT how to fix him and deal with my own PAIN?
I gave it up to GOD today--- and I will just stop fighting the tide and see where everything lands. BUT the scary thing is that I think if I bury it, I will end up in severe depression, and I think my moods change with the wind. (counselor told him this was normal when he complained about it).
Just shoot me.

Hearthache again posted 8/7/2013 20:41 PM

Very typical just after an A discovery. He is trying anything and everything to justify his actions. He knows he is wrong and he is trying everything to get his way. Much like a 2 year old.

Now you have to decide how much of his crap you are going to take before you kick his butt to the curb. He will realize how stupid he is after a while. Don't engage him what so ever. It will just fuel his emotions. Walk away, don't say anything. Except something like, I will not discuss anything until you get your head out of your ass and grow up.

I had to do that with my H many times, before he realized the error of his ways.

Good luck!

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 8:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

caregiver9000 posted 8/7/2013 20:43 PM


Repeat repeat repeat.

Get the book, "Codependent No More." Study the 180 and implement it.

Think behavior modification strategies. You know how to get a toddler to do what you want right? Or a dog? It isn't by yelling the loudest or by picking them up and making them do it. The result of that is they dig their heels in and get louder and/or sneakier about the behavior.

You turn away. You have the treats, and the attention that is desired and you take it and "go away." Quietly. Calmly. And do your own thing until they come to you.

You are an English teacher? You have psychology background courses? Think about what you know and put it into practice here.

arete07 posted 8/7/2013 20:48 PM

FSS. You are not alone. What you ask for is a first step and very important. Your husband's excuses are only part of his shame which he cannot face yet. That is not a reason to let go of what is necessary for you to move forward. I am almost 6 year "out" and it has been a journey of tears and joy. Be strong and patient. If you know this man, you will create a better place!

Phoenix9572 posted 8/8/2013 08:54 AM


I can completely relate to what you have experienced with your WH. My WH has produced the same drama when I've pushed for details and threatened to leave if I didn't quit. Our MC says its because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions.
I know you are already feeling shattered and this just heaps on the misery. I wish I had some magic words of wisdom or experience but I don't. I'm not trying to fix my WH but I do want him to think about what led him to do these things and change his behavior if we are to continue together. I'm still hanging on for better or for worse. If you are like me you are struggling with the idea of the 180 and afraid that it will be the final thing that pushes him away for good. However, I'm almost to that point just for self-preservation sake.
I too have given it up to the Lord, unfortunately I keep trying to take it back. It's so hard but I take comfort that one way or another I will come through the other side of this mess and be OK. You will too.

doggiediva posted 8/8/2013 10:00 AM

Ignore WH..Unless and until he can get his head out his butt and see things the way they really are/were in M.
It is beyond aggravating and very demeaning to us to have WS justify their actions to the world and to themselves by demonizing the BS and the marriage..
My WS never got his head on straight and I am looking forward to the day that I can physically separate and not have to deal with him ever again..
Tell him that rewriting the M will eventually make you hate him FOR REAL.. Who wants to live with and have sex with a lying monster? It is like trying to fall in love with your prison guard or torturer..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:01 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 8/8/2013 11:01 AM

FSM - His behavior is right out of the cheaters handbook. He doesn't get it yet. He is going to try his best to rugsweep this thing. DONT LET HIM.
When you speak with him next simply tell him. You will send the NC letter as you said you would at MC, if you don't do it by X, you will have to leave. I will not tolerate being a doormat, and I will not allow you to pretend this is no big deal. Try your best to stay calm and detatched, no crying, no screaming.

His protestations are really over the top, I am willing to bet he is still in communication with OW if not still seeing her. This is a red flag to me.
What was the outcome of his little fit? Did he leave? Did you say ok fine don't do it? Did he manage to get you to agree to no more MC?
He is threatening you in an attempt to get you to submit. Don't.
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM - he's a big boy, and only he can do that, if he chooses to. If not then saving the M is nearly impossible, unless you choose to live your life being miserable.
Read up on the 180, this is for your protection. It's to help you find your center again, and thus gain perspective on the situation. So many of us early on are so afraid of losing our spouse or our M we try anything to get the WS to stay, and choose us. The fact of the matter is that we have already lost them, the person they once were, or who we believed they were. Many of us here have learned that you have to be willing to loose that M that you so desperately believe in to save it.

((((and strength))))

doggiediva posted 8/8/2013 13:30 PM

At this point there is nothing that my WH could say or do that would make me want him and the marriage again..

WH was the epitome of stubbornness, and wanting things his way in dealing with the aftermath of the A. This behavior has earned him an in house separation because he refuses to go live elsewhere..

My WH must have been thinking that this living situation is tolerable for him because he still has a roof over his head and lives off of unemployment..

I told him yesterday that I can't afford to pay all of the bills any more he is going to have to fork over more money for household bills or else we will have to live in a hot dark house..

We will see if his life here at the house still suits his taste once he realizes that he is going to have to work much harder to keep status quo..

Don't lose respect for yourself by letting your WH walk all over you..

Hugs and Strength

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

kansas1968 posted 8/8/2013 13:36 PM

I am so sorry your WH is behaving like this. There could be a number of reasons for it, but whatever the reason or reasons, he is hurting you again.
The thing that is coming out loud and clear is that he is not yet really remorseful. He is defensive and angry, probably as much at himself as you.
It is scary, but the 180 may be the only answer here. You continue going to the counselor, cool down with him, and see an attorney to get your options explained. Let him know you did. If he loves you and thinks he may lose you, then it may bring him around.
So, so, sorry you are going through this, but you will have a lot of support here. Hugs.

FeelSoSmall posted 8/8/2013 20:09 PM

The outcome of his tantrum was for me to give in. He said no more MC which I took as a huge blow. Then he said Maybe. I said fine, dont send your letter, he got beligerant and said "Oh! you bet I'll send it" but he hasnt and he wont. I asked him what he needed? This just swept away forever? Yes. My heart just left him. It was like turning a key. I cant be crawling like a worm and begging him to save me and us. He justs wants to "work on us" and ever discuss or face or confront what he did. This is guilt-- this is a ME pity party, this is not remorse. He has rewritten the whole M history and isnt going to see any different.
It didnt come up today except for him to (out of the blue) explain some ""unknown" numbers on his business phone (works from home) HMMMM... I have seen lots of those before and no explanation. Some are legit! Some may not be....
The question is, is that little but of sudden openness fear of being caught, and"faking" transparency bc he is moving underground OR is it a legit step toward being totally transparent.
So, I said, I mumbled... thats it, you lost me. He didnt hear... but its true. I want out. Im here ... but only in body, not in spirit. The love just left. I wont fight. So, I wonder is this a stage for me to? Will I be back to crying in a day? I feel like if I have to bury this I will crack. I plan to put myself into counseling, join a gym (to meet people, Im already pretty fit) and get on with my life. Maybe my 180 occurred on its own?
--- I went from understanding and caring and forgiving to angry to I dont give a shiit.
I dont see ever getting over this. IMO: a 7 month long, emotional and sexual affair... what could be worse? I got dealt the worst possible scenario, didnt I.

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