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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: fWH needs someone to talk to
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Exclaimation  Posted: 8:36 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he needs someone to talk to that he can relate with. He wont post on here because hes afraid I will berate him for posting what he really feels/ thinks. What can I do to help him feel comfortable with posting on here or talking about what he needs to with someone else? Hes a broken FWH and needs a mature person who will give good, useable advice to conversate with. Tips for him or me would be helpful too. Thank you


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..hi,

i'd suggest that your WH start to, at least, read here and learn some things about what infidelity does to people..

..he needs a broader perspective of the consequences that are in store for him.

..he would love to rug-sweep the whole thing ....but that's not going to happen unless you let him!!!!

..after reading here a while, maybe he might consider posting his story.

..sending support to you in this nightmare of life-changing events..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has read articles and posted once. He was berated on his post by other members, as have I. Its hard for me to post when I keep getting berated and it worries him too because he just wants to post, not step on toes. He says he wants to talk to a WS with a similar story and who has successfully R. I think hes looking for a manual to live by. I think he needs someone to make the first move and show him that some people are safe, I think he feels like I'll throw him under the bus. Thank you


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether it feels good or not, the most important first step to this process is honesty.

On the one hand, I'm really sorry that he doesn't feel safe to post here. That happens from time to time if the responders are a little to triggery. We try to gently ease people into the process but it doesn't always happen.

On the other hand, he can't keep this stuff locked inside for fear of how others will respond. At the end of the day, he needs to feel good about who he is, and looking into a mirror is not going to yield sunshine and roses right now.

A counselor may be able to help him get to a place where he can be honest with himself and let go of the fear of judgement. The key here isn't for him to have a safe, cushy place to land. He has to get over protecting himself and into doing the right thing no matter what.

It's not like a lightswitch though, and I hope that he finds a place or people to turn to to start looking at the situation with new eyes.

I'll tell you, and anyone reading this, though - beating down a conflict avoider is the surest way to send them running for the hills. If he comes here with humility and an honest interest in fixing this, I hope that the people responding recognize how hard it is in the early days and help create a safe place for him to talk. (ETA - I'm saying this as someone who was a card-carrying beatdowner of conflict-avoiders. I'm just FINALLY learning this lesson.)

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18278 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In terms of feeling berated...I know what you mean. There are a lot of honest, straighforward people here and it can come off as harsh - but the intention is good. At the same time, I can identify, because there are some tenets of SI that get repeated and repeated and repeated and it doesn't always feel great (and can certainly feel berating) to be reprimanded if you don't follow/agree.

I would recommend that your H come on and NOT read the articles only. Read the boards. For weeks. Maybe months if he's that uncomfortable. I lurked for almost a year. I knew the culture coming into it after doing that and, as someone not "into" message boards or online friendships, that really helped. So when I did post, I felt that I knew the lingo and could frame my situation in a sensitive, thoughtful way that elicited fair responses. Not always in agreement, but fair.

That said, online message boards aren't for everyone. Are there support groups in your area? That'll give the same guidance but perhaps in a different format.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps he could read in wayward and find someone with a similar story and good advice and try sending them a PM..

But I will say that most of the times I've been hit with 2 x 4s here, it's cause I needed them..

Good luck to you guys.. Hugs..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 9:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I agree about just having to take the bullet and going for it regardless of how harsh the truth is. It irritates him that people are so harsh to me when im the BS. I can honestly say that I have never on anyone for their post, regardless of how I feel about it. I know most people aren't really worried about that what they say may push someone who cant handle being pushed because they're already on the edge. People just dont think. I will try to aid him in being more confident about talking and posting. Thank you


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
canteat
♀ 39636
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hes afraid I will berate him for posting what he really feels/ thinks

If he is concerned that you will berate him-maybe he can change his screen name to something you don't know and at least for a while only post on the wayward side/general. You could give him his space by not trolling over there.

You are not very far out from Dday and still are both raw emotionally. Sometimes as BS we forget that the waywards are hurting too. He probably has things he needs to work out for himself before sharing them with you. Giving him a safe place on these boards might help. You will have to resist the temptation to search for him though. Don't make the offer to him unless you can give him his space.

I do agree that sometimes it can seem harsh on here-but that is because of the volatile nature of what we are talking about. No one here is really attacking, it just feels that way sometimes. He needs to take all that with a grain of salt. He can take what is helpful to him, and leave the rest.

The only other things I would suggest is he see an IC. That really is a safe place. He can find one that has experience with infidelity issues. The other thing is that he can read read read. I think most books out there are geared more towards BS but even those can be of benefit. They will allow him to see that he is not alone. I would suggest "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass because (from your profile) the AP was a someone he works with.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am truly sorry that has been your experience here. I hope that an anonymous online forum would be a place you could practice your own boundaries and say, "hey back off" or "that makes me feel unsafe" or contact a mod for intervention.

This experience is in large part what you make of it. If you get feedback that doesn't fit, ignore it. If it is interfering in you getting what you do need, then ask for what you need, or seek help. This is a pretty low risk environment.

(((hugs))) to you and best of luck with future posting for you both.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5906 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
DoneWithLove
♀ 39380
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him that I would stay away from his posts unless he invites me. I think hes more afraid of me giving up and flipping out on him than just berating him. I know I could leave him alone regardless if I know his name or not, if it means he can safely vent then its worth it. We have been in MC since a few days after Dday, our councilor thinks we are ready to start going every two weeks now as opposed to every week like we have been, so we've talked about starting IC to get out what we cant in MC. We both know hes broken, I could tell way before his A, and hes willing to claim it and take responsibility for his actions. Its just a matter of finding a good middle ground for him. Thank you


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Topic Posts: 10

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