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Newest Member: moveforward1970 (55741)

User Topic: SNs (Social Networks)/Cutting the Chord
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On SI, I've been reading a fair bit about social networks, OW/OM and WS activity.

I just wanted to write a note to say, that one of the things that's been a truly big help to me in healing is the day that I disconnected all of that stuff-and I mean, all.

There is a friend or two that I have who keep pages openly connected to Nearly Exh, but it's more to "watch and wait".

Also, it was symbolic for me to cut the connection, like cutting a chord towards moving on. Yes, I was very sad to lose connection with friends and family, but some have started other lines-SN's and only choose immediate family. One thing that bothered me and a few others is how open face book and the others can get and how much of the world can intrude on our lives-and we don't know it at times.

One thing that I couldn't tolerate was the knowledge that it left an open connection to OW (ewww) into my life and activities that I could choose to cut.

Another thing is that it helps me consider myself on the high road, as not being part of anything they do.

And if I simply blocked them or use another name, I can still "see" what they're doing-it was a form of OCD (anxiety disorder) that had me chronically checking Nearly Exh's to check his "status" or to see if I was removed...and it took some time to realize that it was adding and prolonging my very own pain.

It was only about a week for the habit to leave my head and now I am so thankful that I did it. It's given me back an iota of security that they took away and I feel a small sense of pride and even self respect at not looking.

Some friends are asking me to go on under another name and I will not, at least for now. I'm trying to show them that it's too painful.

It's a link that we can knowingly choose to cut and after a time, feels very good.

In fact, Nearly ExH seems to notice more when I make a change in that way, or when I can maintain a very hard 180. Otherwise, I'm a nuisance.

One day I was asked by him, "is your computer broken?" and another, "Is your phone broken?" and I proudly said, "I'm done that stuff. You know? It felt nice.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3031 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can still "see" what they're doing-it was a form of OCD (anxiety disorder) that had me chronically checking Nearly Exh's to check his "status" or to see if I was removed...and it took some time to realize that it was adding and prolonging my very own pain.

This was me. I was checking FB all the time-- especially on weekends-- to see if he was on chat. It kept me tied to his schedule.

When he was keeping up photos of me and our dog, I was reading into it WAAAAY too much.

So then when he removed his relationship status, his references to me on his professional pages, changed his profile photo from a picture of the two of us to a photo of just him... I would get hysterical.

I realized I was acting like a crazy person. After he didn't contact me after the NC I asked for was up, I waited about 5 days and then unfriended him.

It was the best thing I've done yet.

BS / D

Posts: 883 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't finally cut the cord with STBXWHNPDPAFTG on facebook until a few weeks ago. I filed for spousal support, have been looking for work (unemployed) and he did something really fucking passive/aggressive and mean and I was DONE with having him know what was going on in my life.

I set my FB privacy settings so that you have to actually be a FRIEND (not friend of a friend) to see anything more than my profile photo. Then I went and searched all the OWs by name and by email address and blocked all of them. I blocked a couple of "friends" who were not "friends of the marriage" and who I could trust to ferry info about me back to WH. I blocked WH. I looked through my friends list and thought about who might betray me, who might be fake. I blocked those people too. WH and I had a lot of friends in common - over 2/3 of our friends on FB were joint friends because of our business. Anyone I didn't really know as a real friend got unfriended.

I unsubscribed from the business newsletter, un-liked the business page and group, and basically cut as many ties as I possibly could with him online.

It's been a HUGE relief. I guess he could ask a friend to spy on me, but they all know what happened in our M and I don't think they would oblige.

Anyway, I treat social networking as a public space and conduct myself accordingly. If a potential employer were to find a way to access my page, I wouldn't want anything untoward found. So I don't post stuff that reveals more about me than I would want an employer to know.

I still use FB, daily. I treat is as a newspaper. Read all about it!

It's not guaranteed private, but his shit doesn't come across my news feed and I know mine doesn't enter his either.

I shoulda done it years ago.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 12:11 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Divorced 11/20/2015
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1848 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
♀ 10516
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I'm lucky my XH doesn't have an FB page or anything like that. I have no in-laws on his side that have any interest in me, so we have been totally disconnected in every way since he left. His whole family and the few friends he had don't exist to me. So it's pretty easy that way.

OW has one but I've blocked her from seeing mine.

My social media life is my own.

Me: BS 55
Son: 29 years old
Daughter: 27 years old
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7542 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was not an issue for me. My STBX took his page down right after he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Turns out he hasn't told OW he was married and didn't want her to find his page (she later found out he was M when I called her and immediately forgave him ). He then created a secret page where they were listed as "in a relationship". Once he found out a friend of mine had discovered he and OW's pages, he blocked me and all my friends. She did the same. Oh well, I'm not interested in their activities anyway.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 36434
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, Ashland, if you block someone, you *can't* check up on them or see their things on other people's pages, and they can't see yours on other people's pages, unless you unblock them. I think they can see if you post on a group site they belong to maybe, or something like that, but not on friend's pages. I've had my ex-stepmother blocked for years, and she's like a ghost. I can see people talking to her when she comments on their things, but I can't see anything she does. :)

I wasn't giving up social media and all my connections to long distance friends over an affair. I just unfriended people and moved on.

Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking of that after I finished the post, about all of the terminology and ways to block people from pages.

In my time of stress, I think it all got to be too much and like the post said with not knowing who is true in life after an A, it was simpler just to turn it off.

It got to be "too much" of other things, like trying to keep off so and so and their media threads or posts and such anyway.

I'm glad for those of you who still leave them on and can appreciate the strength it takes to keep parts of it going.

What finally did it for completely deleting it was that if I had any access to it, it wouldn't stop me in high stress times for trying to look at his pages, especially. And every time he added activity, his family members on it would tell me and that got to be a lot more than I wanted to know.

It was almost like seeing multiple people in one person's body and name and it messed with my head when he tried to say how serious OW is, yet there are multitudes of OW on his page as M to me. So bizarre to see. Yet, he didn't put actual OW or whatever on his page...just the tribe (her family, what I know now).

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3031 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Must Survive
♀ 34533
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still don't completely understand FB, and I have been on it for years.

A couple of months after D-day, I removed all STBXH family members because of two things, I didn't want them telling him what I was doing and I felt we were getting divorced, they did not support me at all, they were not my friends and no longer family.

I only allow "friends" to view anything except my profile pic. STBXH did not even have a FB until about a year ago. I don't understand 'blocking" someone. Does that mean they can't even see your profile pic? Or does it mean just that if they run into a newfeed that you are on also, they can't see anything you say?

WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." ó Daenerys Targaryen

Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
♀ 40141
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been struggling with trying to not check Facebook and IG. I just blocked WH and OW on facebook, but I can't stop myself from constantly checking OW's instagram account to see if she posts any pictures of her and WH. I am trying!

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD5 & DD 1 1/2
D-Day 7/2013 - Divorced!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blocking on facebook is a pretty nuclear thing - if a person is logged into their facebook account they cannot even FIND your account. No picture, no name, no nothing. If they are not logged into their facebook account, then they can see whatever your privacy settings allow - for example if you've set your profile to show your face and name to everyone, that includes those without facebook accounts (or people who are not logged into facebook).

Blocking not only prevents the other person from seeing your wall, your pictures, your comments on your friends wall, etc, it also prevents YOU from seeing their stuff. It works both ways.

I'm not sure how it works with 3rd party applications, for example my newspaper allows people to post comments on articles that the paper has published online, using their facebook profile thumbnail and name. My guess is I could still see him there.

Below I'm posting some quotes off facebook's privacy help pages:

Facebook will allow you to block someone who isn't your friend if you know their email:

"What if I can't find the person I want to block?

If you're having trouble finding the person you want to block, you can also block someone by submitting their email address. Go to the Privacy Settings page and click Manage Blocking to the right of Blocked People and Apps. Enter the email address of the person you want to block in the Email field and click Block.

If the email address you submit is associated with an account, that person will be blocked. If the email address isnít associated with an account, then the person will be blocked if they open an account in the future. Unfortunately, for privacy reasons, weíre unable to provide information about any accounts that may be associated with a blocked email address.

Besides blocking, there are other ways to control who can see the things you post on your timeline. Learn more about your Privacy Settings."

Facebook states "Once you block someone, that person can no longer see things you post on your timeline, tag you, invite you to events or groups, start a conversation with you, or add you as a friend. Note: Does not include apps, games or groups you both participate in."

"Blocking is reciprocal, so you also won't be able to do things like start a conversation with them or add them as a friend. Keep in mind that blocking someone may not prevent all communications or interactions such as in apps or groups and only affects your experience on Facebook, not elsewhere on the web. "

"Blocking someone prevents many types of interactions between you and that person. However, for technical reasons, there are certain instances when someone youíve blocked may be able to view your comments on the site and vice versa, including comments on a mutual friend's photo or post. "

"After I block someone, can I see anything about that person?

Yes. Blocking allows you to prevent many interactions with someone on Facebook, but you may still encounter content theyíve shared.

Hereís what you might see:

Messages: Your message history with someone youíve blocked will stay in your inbox. If the blocked person is ever included in a conversation with a group of friends, youíll be able to see the message. Remember, you can leave a conversation that you donít want to be part of, or delete a conversation that you donít like.
Mutual friend stories: Thereís a chance that you'll see stories about the blocked person through mutual friends. For example, if the blocked person tags a mutual friend in a photo, you might see this story on your friendís timeline.
Photos: You might see photos or tags of the blocked person added by other people.
Groups: Someone youíve blocked wonít be able to add you to a group, but youíll be able to see groups that the blocked person created or is a member of.
Events: Someone youíve blocked wonít be able to invite you to an event, but youíll be able to see events to which both you and the blocked person are invited.
Games and apps: Since games and apps are run by outside developers, the Facebook block won't apply to them. So you could see someone you blocked while you're playing a game (for example, in the game's chat room). "

WH asked me if I had deactivated my facebook account. So he revealed he had looked for me on facebook recently and couldn't find me. My response was "I don't want to talk about facebook"

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Divorced 11/20/2015
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1848 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 10

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