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My heart keeps breaking

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pizzalover posted 8/7/2013 21:30 PM

I got off the phone with my BH a few minutes ago. He was a little buzzed and was of course questioning my whys, which I don't know, which makes him furious. He can't believe that over 6 months after D-day I don't know.

I am not writing this to make him out to be the bad guy - I'm just venting my feelings.

A few parts of the conversation:
- He said he would have been there for me and loved me the rest of my life and would have been faithful to me. I completely fucked this up.
- He said he wasn't happy with me before the A happened, because he never got a chance to be with anyone else.
- No one that we know will ever look at me the same way again since I have shocked and disappointed everyone.
- He doesn't like me crying about any of this shit that I created. (I have always been a crier. It's how I deal with my emotions.

He tends to express more anger when drinking. And how am I coping with this now??? Drinking a bottle of wine. I'm disgusted how I have let me weight go these last 6 months, how I haven't taken care of myself. I've lays used food and drink to soothe myself. I just realized now that maybe I don't care because I'm trying to look ugly on the outside like I feel on the inside.

I was talking to a friend the other day. They said something that wasn't about my A, but I could relate to it.
Because it's not real, it can never satisfy your needs or desires. You keep wanting more because you're not fulfilled. Enchantment is not reality. Wow. Maybe I kept going back for more because since it wasn't real, it could never fill me. I had the real thing in my BH.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 9:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

pizzalover posted 8/7/2013 21:33 PM

Another thing we talked about is that I went to therapy for like 2 years during the A and it didn't help,(although at the time I did think it was, because I wasn't actually digging and wasn't willing to make the changes I needed to make) so how's therapy going to help now? I think it will help - I'm more self-aware then I was 6 months ago.

KBeguile posted 8/7/2013 22:05 PM

What your friend said is very deep, indeed. Have you given any more thought to it?

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/7/2013 22:25 PM

Maybe I kept going back for more because since it wasn't real, it could never fill me. I had the real thing in my BH

Only you can fill you. You are not ugly on the inside, so seriously, you have got to stop beating yourself up! You are a beautiful miracle of life.

So what if nobody looks at you the same again? If BH doesn't like you crying, he should leave the room. Cry if you're sad. Laugh if you're happy. You take responsibility for your emotions, and let BH own his.

trytoforgive posted 8/7/2013 22:39 PM

I had the real thing in my BH.

Did you really? Can you find the real thing in you?

JustDesserts posted 8/8/2013 08:41 AM

Enchantment is not reality.

I like that, and can certainly relate.

And Trytoforgive asks two important questions. How do you answer them, not for us here on SI, but brutally and honestly for yourself?

And regarding self-sabotaging with food and drink...I'm with 20Wrongs...enough of beating yourself up. Shitcan the junk food, perhaps take a break from booze, lace up your trainers, and take a walk in the woods, a park, anywhere.

I've also found there's a great value in volunteering to help others in need in helping ME get out of my own way, out of my own pity parties. There was a skewed reality to my affair, and my skewed reality thinking does encroach in to my recovery.

It is good you are posting, and asking for help. You are worth it, PL, you know that, right? JD

OK now posted 8/8/2013 09:35 AM

He said he would have been there for me and loved me the rest of my life and would have been faithful to me

Is he implying that he intends to have a RA with the use of the word would?

He said he wasn't happy with me before the A happened, because he never got a chance to be with anyone else

Then he helped to create the conditions resulting in the affair with his unhappiness with the marriage. Doesn't excuse the adultery which is function of poor coping mechanisms, but it didn't help to stabilize the relationship either.

I agree with the others, stop beating up on yourself and start to define boundaries on the treatment and criticisms you will tolerate from BH. He has made his point; no need to endlessly repeat your sins and transgressions.

If you let his anger flourish it will strip you of the last remaining dregs of your self-esteem. Define your present condition as your lowest point; time to rise to your feet and rebuild.

pizzalover posted 8/16/2013 18:57 PM

What your friend said is very deep, indeed. Have you given any more thought to it?

I have been thinking about it. I was trying to fill my emptiness with a fantasy instead of trying to get my needs met from my BH. I got addicted to the A. I need to figure out why I am so needy and why I am so empty.

Only you can fill you. You are not ugly on the inside, so seriously, you have got to stop beating yourself up! You are a beautiful miracle of life.

So what if nobody looks at you the same again? If BH doesn't like you crying, he should leave the room. Cry if you're sad. Laugh if you're happy. You take responsibility for your emotions, and let BH own his.

Thank you, 20Wrongs, that meant a lot.

Did you really? Can you find the real thing in you?

I definitely feel I had the real thing in my BH. What do you mean by finding the real thing in me?


And regarding self-sabotaging with food and drink...I'm with 20Wrongs...enough of beating yourself up. Shitcan the junk food, perhaps take a break from booze, lace up your trainers, and take a walk in the woods, a park, anywhere.

I am starting back with my nutritionist in two weeks to work at the healthy eating and to help me lose the weight. I'm going to start riding my bike more (I have a 20 mile ride tomorrow morning with a friend). I looking into new, cheaper gym that offers classes, because I enjoy Zumba. I don't want to continue to feel unhealthy.

Is he implying that he intends to have a RA with the use of the word would?

No, he doesn't plan on having a RA.

I agree with the others, stop beating up on yourself and start to define boundaries on the treatment and criticisms you will tolerate from BH. He has made his point; no need to endlessly repeat your sins and transgressions.

If you let his anger flourish it will strip you of the last remaining dregs of your self-esteem. Define your present condition as your lowest point; time to rise to your feet and rebuild

I am working on this in therapy. I don't want to punish myself for the rest of my life.

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