I'm hurting so badly tonight that I can't sleep. I've examined the affair. I believe the W sincere and working as much as she can right now. However, DDay only occurred three weeks ago. Prior to DDay, the W had separated from me and continued the affair.
Yesterday, the AP failed a drug test and lost his job. Very complicated situation because he works for/with the W. I reassured her that I would help, and since it's against company policy for employer/employee to date, that I would help her if she was fired also.
Today I wanted to surprise her and showed up at her work. She directed me to a parking space by cell phone. Her AP was standing in the parking lot. She told me to leave the lot, park in front of her building and wait. Meanwhile as I pulled out of the building, the AP exited the lot and walked down the street.
The sleaziness and ugliness of this man became real to me as I saw him walking. I triggered and told her what I saw in him and that her sleeping with us both at the same time was....YUK.
She asked if I was alright and when I said no and proceeded to tell her why, she shut down. On the pretense of walking the dog, she got in her car and spent the night at her apt. Her reasoning: "I've spent my whole life listening to people tell me how terrible I am and I don't deserve it." She said she couldn't hear anymore bad about herself and wanted a break.
My immediate response to her leaving was panic and thoughts of "she's leaving me again". Even as I write, I am sick and upset that she left without telling me where she was going.
I believe I am unhealthily attached not only to her but also to the ultimate outcome of reconciliation. I think my fear of abandonment fuels this relationship more than my actual love for her.
I am going to IC tomorrow and plan on making a goal of detachment from the outcome of reconciliation. I am going to explore my fear of losing her and try to work on making myself a complete person without reference to the W.
Does anyone share this perspective? What are your thoughts?