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Genuine whilst lying

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RemorsefulWH posted 8/8/2013 04:09 AM

My BS and I were discussing my behaviour during a very long TT last night.
I have maintained throughout that although lying and deceiving my BS for such a long period, I have also expressed genuine thoughts and feelings about what I have done, how I feel about my BS and DD and what I have learnt from my BS, SI and IC. This was a good and open discussion but my BS suggested posting here to to see whether anyone else had experienced the same thing or just has an opinion either way on the subject.
Thanks in advance for your replies.

authenticnow posted 8/8/2013 05:18 AM

Yes, I have.

I TTd for over a year and in that year I did have loving and remorseful feelings. It is contradictory, I know.

I also sent my BH a loving card during my A. After d-day, he was so confused by that. I remember really feeling the things I wrote in the card as I was writing them. Looking back, the confusion at the time, my brokenness, is so clear. Compartmentalization at its best. (worst?)

Holding back with TT after d-day while having love for BH and wanting to fix things, was very, very difficult. Sorting through things, learning to be honest, digging through the tough hard.

I just wanted to let you know that yes, I get it, RemorsefulWH.

TimeToManUp posted 8/8/2013 09:11 AM

I understand what you are saying whole-heartedly. I TTed TCD for about 9 months. During that time I selfishly lied (or lied by omission) for the same reasons that most WSes do.

I also said and did a lot of nice, beautiful, sincere things during that time, including a slideshow of pictures of our 3 DDs to the song "Life's a Happy Song" from the Muppets having the girls act out the words, followed up with a slideshow of the family to "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.

The broken selfish thinking allowed me to compartmentalize the TT while sharing genuine feelings of love for TCD.

To this day, TCD doesn't fully believe I that the good things I said during this time were genuine. It's painful and difficult because I KNOW that they were. It's our job to prove that to them through our future actions.

It's hard... Really, REALLY hard. And I have by no means mastered it. The wheels just came off a pretty solid few weeks for us last night, as a matter of fact. Really, I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. Hang in there.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 9:13 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

Card posted 8/8/2013 10:22 AM

I can relate.

I lied/tt'd/deceived/partial truthed/etc. Whatever adjective you want to pull out of the hat....

He's the thing, I was never genuine while still involved in my adultery and I was never genuine while still withholding open and honest answers & information.

Withholding historical, and current information about my adultery was/is all about protecting me.
It's no more than a willingness to keep secrets.

I could put on a smile, even look my wife in the eyes and blatantly lie to her during my affair, all the while feeling genuinely justified in my behavior.
There's really no difference to a BS when this still happens after the affair has ended.

I guess you could say my justification was genuine. My withholding truth in order to prevent consequences was genuine. Even displaying my love in order to receive love from her felt genuine.....
But she could tell you all about how much genuine pain her discoveries of all my lies has caused her.

Surviving infidelity is difficult at best. What makes it unbearable for the BS is having the recovery clock reset every time a new disclosure comes to the surface..

krazy8516 posted 8/8/2013 10:46 AM

I found myself on this site as a BS, but I have been a WS in the past. If it's not OK for me to chime in here, I'm sorry.

I actually posted a question about this in the general forum the other day. When I was the WS, I felt genuine remorse and pain over what I'd done, despite continuing to lie about it. I guess I was looking for validation that even though my H seemed to still be involved in his A, I wanted to believe that his expressions of love for me were real. It's the only thing that's been keeping me going.

When I strayed, I still felt real love and compassion for my BS. It's not much comfort to a BS, I can tell you that, even if you could get them to believe it. It just makes us more confused (i.e. How can you love us so much, and yet still lie and deceive us that way?). As a fWS, it makes a little more sense to me, but to this day I still find myself asking "wtf was I thinking??"

RemorsefulWH posted 8/8/2013 11:54 AM

Thanks for the replies so far, really helping and giving me and my BS something to discuss later

Skan posted 8/8/2013 20:04 PM

From the viewpoint of a BW, the trouble with TT or lying is that, no matter how loving the gesture or how true the sentiment was at the time that you gave it to your BS, when the lie or the TT is exposed, it's as if it was never said. Actually, in many ways, it's worse than if you never made that gesture in the first place. Because the lie, the TT, puts everything into doubt. It makes the BS think that Everything was a lie. There was no truth. It puts doubt onto every memory.

Let me give you an example from my own situation.

After a bit over a year of being an ideal, remorseful spouse, one day I found that my FWH had lied to me about such a basic agreed-upon demand, that I consider it my DDay #2. For over a year, he held me when I triggered, put a tracker on his phone, called me when he was going to be late, did IC, did MC (which we "graduated" from), and did everything that you would expect someone who truly loved you, owned his decisions, would do. At the time, we were 2/3 of the way through a marriage-enrichment program. And during the entire time, with me asking if there was anything else, was he hiding anything from me, he lied to my face, blatantly, intentionally, and as he admitted, knowing that this lie, if/when it came out, would hurt me immensely.

When it did, I left him. I walked out the door to a hotel while he was gone from the house packed up my bags and left. Because I could not figure out why someone who had shown me such love, could continue to lie to me. That the entire year must have been a lie. That I had bought the pretty picture, hook, line, and sinker, and I was a fool because everything I had done to try to heal, was wasted because it was all a lie. All of my trust left. We almost did not recover from that. We are still recovering from that. And suspicions that I thought that I had buried, are now back in full force.

So while a WS may do, say, and show love during the time that they are still lying, when that lie comes out, all trust in what has happened before can abruptly die.

Glad that you guys are having these heart-to-heart discussions!

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/8/2013 21:16 PM

What Skan said:

Because I could not figure out why someone who had shown me such love, could continue to lie to me. That the entire year must have been a lie. That I had bought the pretty picture, hook, line, and sinker, and I was a fool because everything I had done to try to heal, was wasted because it was all a lie. All of my trust left. We almost did not recover from that. We are still recovering from that. And suspicions that I thought that I had buried, are now back in full force.

Danntonio posted 8/8/2013 23:25 PM

Sorry for being dumb..
What is TT? TCD?


authenticnow posted 8/9/2013 05:57 AM

TT=Trickle Truth (when the truth comes out gradually, torture for a BS)

TCD is TattooedChinaDoll. That's Timetomanup's BW.

We like to use a lot of abbreviations here! There is a list of common abbreviations on the main page. I think it's under FAQs.

Also, there is a sticky post in General with more abbreviations.

And of course, you can always ask if you don't know.

cs2384 posted 8/9/2013 09:23 AM

Being a wayward is contradictory in itself. I know I always loved my husband despite my betrayal. I know I compartmentalize like a pro to keep all the contradictory feelings from driving me insane. IC has been super helpful in showing me why ice engaged in such polar behavior. MC has helped as well.

Danntonio posted 8/9/2013 21:28 PM

authenticnow Thanks so much....I did look at the abbrevs...but I didnt see these ones. Thanks so much..

cs2384 Me too...I KNOW I loved my BW during this entire charade...and well, I really dont know whats wrong with me..the guilt I would have dealt with years ago was somehow repressed.....and that isnt right !

Thanks everyone !!

c128hart posted 8/10/2013 01:29 AM

I want to thank someone for finally explaining TT.
I am a WS and a master at, no I have a PhD. in compartmentalization. I too travel down the TT trail. What I would like to say to the BSs out there is that. As hard as it is for you to hear all the details of our A, it is ten times harder to utter the words,or write them down. We BSs have demonstrated a behavior that makes us question the very essence of who we are, and you want us to calmly, unemotionally talk about and relive every single detail of our self destruction. Do you that its pleasant?
We know you need to hear the truth. But I ask you to be patient with us in telling it all. I know it hurts everytime you hear it, but please remember it hurts us everytime we have to say it.

RemorsefulWH posted 8/10/2013 16:20 PM

Thanks again for your replies.

c128hart - TT varies dramatically by each persons story, some may be confessing slowly as it is talked through, others like myself lied continually for months about a variety of different things and only ever admitted anything when faced with cold hard facts (and even then may still attempt to deny). TT is devastating in most or all cases for the BS and is actually harder for my BS to deal with than what I actually did. Hope this helps.

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