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Ok need some advice on whether to expose affair or not ?

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Phillycat posted 8/8/2013 08:07 AM

Ok need some advice on whether to expose affair or not ?
One of my wife's reasons for being unhappy in the relationship is that she doesn't feel financially safe with me in the marriage. I couldn't get a second job for years and finally was able to obtain one two months ago. By this time she was emotionally gone from the marriage and knee deep in her EA and possible PA, So this really did not matter to her because she was getting her needs met elsewhere. She had asked me for space but I was not able to leave the house for financial reasons but after a month now it seems it's the only option I have left to save the marriage. I fear that in the physical separation she wants I won't be able to do the one thing that her heart is open to right now and that is to provide more financially. Right now I am at a last ditch effort to save my marriage, so I am thinking about exposing my wife's affair to her close friends and family. My main concern is that in order to maintain these jobs I will need access to our car on the weekends. Right now she uses it during the week but I use it Fri Sat Sun to get to work…I am afraid to take this step because she will be furious and more than likely say that I can't use the car to get to the second job. And it really is no other option other than to get a car which will take away more money and I think This will in turn cause a loss of income as well hurt any chance of reconciliation.

Please Help with any advice or suggestions

plainpain posted 8/8/2013 08:19 AM

Honestly, I'm not sure I understand what telling her friends and family has to do with your financial situation. My H and I have been pretty selective in who we have told about his A. I told my family, he told his family. I told my closest friends. We told our children. I would personally feel it as disrespectful and violating on my part, to tell his friends or his family what he had done. There is no reason for them to know, other than to be a support... it is our own decision who we choose to have as our support system. Her friends and family should not be your support system, IMHO.

If you expose the affair, I think you will humiliate her. If you want to rebuild your marriage, I would say don't do it.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 8/8/2013 08:26 AM

Philly- is your WW remorseful? Gone NC? Provided you with transparency and other requirements for R?

Honestly, I think the finances are a distraction from R. It just seems sketchy that she needs space and wants you out of the house more (is second job). Blaming her A on your inability to get a second job? Um no.

*YOU* can't save this marriage, it takes two.

Phillycat posted 8/8/2013 09:30 AM

My wife says that she has been unhappy with our financial situation for years and that has caused her to become bitter and hardened to the marriage. She has told me almost every year for the past three years that she needed me to do more. She became resentful over time because my salary only allowed me to do the basic things in order to keep the house going..(utilities, car note, ins. food etc..) while she made more, most of the household expenses she paid..( mortgage, tuition, credit cards etc..)
I was not able to do things she needed to feel special. That was my fault. I admit I often neglected her needs not intentionally but none the less she didn't feel special or I didn't make her feel special. This cause her to emotionally check out of the marriage..
I heard her complaints loud and clear but it was not until recently that I was able to get another job to begin to do more for her and to start trying to do everything I couldn't do previously

8-10 months ago she decided to get her needs met elsewhere from another man. I recently discovered this affair and asked her to NC with this person and she has not done this. She has continued to lie about her contact with this person and I am wondering should I shine the light on the affair to close friends and family who have some influence in her life.

I think this will make the allure of the fantasy that she is living become a reality. snap her out of the Fog). I have told her that she cannot focus on herself to see if she wants the marriage or not as long as this other person is in her head. I have said that any decisions she makes needs to be done without OM being in the picture.

No she has not agreed to R or MC
She has said that should would seek IC..but her therapist isn't available until Sept.

Another issue I have is that she has no sense of urgency to seek therapy or R and I think it's due to the fact that she is still in contact with OM

I need the second income to begin to be able to do the special things she needs in order for our marriage to get better and the only way to keep this job is to have access to the car on the weekends.

Sorry for the rambling. hope I communicated this properly…I am not very good at writing...

To be honest...I know the answer is no I shouldn't expose..but I am desperate to save my marriage

[This message edited by Phillycat at 9:41 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

callmecrazy posted 8/8/2013 09:49 AM

Ok. You are not near R. You are in blinding fog mode. Money is a stressor but if you were in fact working and doing your best and putting in effort, and do not have spending issues, you in no way are the problem with the finances. Lots of couples have financial struggles and that is not a valid reason for an A...that would be the "worse" part in for better or worse and if you have all of the necessities covered, you should both be thankful.
Read up on the 180. Decide what you need from her at this point and take your time with that decision. If you can, IC may be a great option for you right now. But while you 180 you can focus on you...DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HER (soooo hard to 180, but so great once you get it) What a shock to her system when you quit killing yourself to please someone who is currently incapable of rational thoughts and who is showing they do not care for you.

Space when you know she is still deep in her A is most likely to turn into you sitting in a miserable limbo while she continues her A and sees how long she can treat you like this.

I dont know about exposing it to her family intentionally like that at this point. It can get tricky when people know, trust me. In my case I had 0 way around it if I wanted the truth bc his family was 100% necessary for me to collect info to discover the extent of the A and they realized that after he forbid all of us to discuss his and I's personal life and then his family realized its bc they housed any access to what he does during the day and when Im out of town (they live next door) and his phone records so he wanted me cut from knowledge so he could cake eat. It does not sound like that is the case with you, so I would talk with several people you trust and who will support you. Closest friends, family (if you think they could forgive her assuming you R like you want).

Take time to think and act, read in the healing library and take care of yourself.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 8/8/2013 09:53 AM

Philly, slow down.

You are accepting WAY too much blame for your wife's A. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. Your finances did not cause this. You not taking her out for fun things did not cause this. Your WW's broken thinking and messed up coping is the ONLY thing that caused this A. You could have been making millions and she would have found some other excuse. She had other options besides an A. That is what she chose to do. Stop taking the blame.

Honestly, given your circumstances, I would expose. Is the OM married? Have you told his W?

Phillycat posted 8/8/2013 11:14 AM

Don't think that I am taking the blame …I am just acknowleding the reasons she disconnected from the marriage emotionally and has resentment and bitterness in her heart towards me

OM lives in another state….don't think he is married I searched and got a tons of info on him

Rebreather posted 8/8/2013 11:31 AM

If you want to try to save the marriage, then yes, exposure can be very effective. I would do some research on the best methods of doing so and go full on nuclear. See if it blows up the affair, and then you can try to reconcile after that.

Don't worry about the car issue. It's your car too. Don't fear action because you don't know the result. Act in your best interest and deal with the fallout.

sisoon posted 8/8/2013 12:05 PM

Phillycat, I hate to be 2 X 4-ish when you're in so much pain, but you need something that shocks you into reality, IMO.

Your W has been unhappy with your financial situation for 3 years? OK - that's possible - but she's not being honest. If she were honest, she'd have ended your M honestly before moving on. Instead, she chose to cheat. She deserves no sympathy at all, least of all from you.

Besides, where has she been for these last 3 years? Is she unaware of the state of the economy? Doesn't she understand that the vast, vast majority of us have had to cut back?

Besides, if her gripe is that you don't have any money to spend on her, I don't see any interpretation other than that her affection is for sale. That's a very shaky foundation for a long term relationship. I wonder why you want to be with her - and yet, you still want her.

Recognize this: You have no M to save. Your W has pulled out, and your M is dead. Despite reading here, you're still looking for a way to be with her even though she isn't willing to go NC and seems to have no remorse for what she's done.

Keep telling yourself this:

R takes 2, and until your W wants R, R is impossible for you.

There's no R unless the WS is remorseful. Your W is not remorseful, so R is impossible for you.

Please, read up on the 180, and adopt its tactics as your own. Start IC for yourself with a goal of finding, appreciating, and using your strengths in the workplace and in your relationships. Look into 'co-dependency' and see if it fits for you.

Please, out the A. Not because it's will guarantee R, but because it'll put your W more in touch with reality, and that's a service you can do her. Yes, she'll probably be very angry, but so what?

You say you pay the car payments, so you should have some right to the car. Besides, your M is over, so you don't need the 2nd job, 'cause you don't need to spend money on your W.... Of course, if your M is really as you describe, and if you do the 180, you'll probably want to save up $$ so you can file for D.

You can heal and thrive - if you find and use your many strengths.


[This message edited by sisoon at 12:09 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

Phillycat posted 8/8/2013 13:36 PM

I did everything thats on the 180 list...All the dont's I did

Is it too late to 180 ?

[This message edited by Phillycat at 1:41 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 8/8/2013 13:50 PM

Callmecrazy is spot on...thick thick fog. Move away from her. I did not know about this and, like you, did all the wrong things. I finally did 180 not because I found out about it but I had to out of self protection!

Might read my post "do you have shame". It speaks to a pretty typical path many of us BS's take.

Best thing to do is let a WS get what they think they need, deserve, etc.

It hurts like hell. As a BS you will come to the truth that your WW effectively killed your marriage as you knew don't operate under your previous are no longer in this "together".

This is why people report this as the single most traumatic experience of their life...and this comes from people who have been in concentration camps, been raped, and in active war zones.

God be with you.

blakesteele posted 8/8/2013 13:55 PM

I visited with the wife of my wife's AP....she too had nothing but a long list of what she did to "make" her husband sleep with my wife....exactly what he wanted...just like your wife is watching you do what she wants.

Oh...and I have witnessed my wife's AP around town w another woman in a "compromising" position....and I bet his wife is working her butt off to make his nest at home so much better for him....see the problem here? It is not about affects you...but it is not about you.

Phillycat posted 8/8/2013 15:09 PM

Ok wife has given me 60 days to find someplace to yeah I guess R is not where we are...

So my plan is to start 180
and hope like hell she reconsiders

I know what you all are saying WHY ?????

I love this women with every fiber in my body..

I do not want to separate of divorce..and so I am willing to endure all the pain in the world for her and our marriage

I know I have to get some self respect and Man Up..
Also during this time I hope that she seeks the IC...
NOT going to ask her about it tho..

callmecrazy posted 8/8/2013 15:54 PM

Phillycat no WHY here. You are new but you will see some of us have stayed through some pretty messed up stuff for love kids etc. Its not weak to walk away and its not weak to stay and try with all you have to fix it. That is a very personal choice and its very understandable for you to wait and see if she will come out of the fog.

Stay strong. You dont have to be the one that leaves the home if you dont want to be FYI. Maybe a trip to an attorney would be good. You can usually get a free or cheap consultation.

myperfectlife posted 8/8/2013 21:19 PM

Sorry that you find yourself here, but you will definitely find a lot of help and wisdom.
I wish I'd known about 180 during the beginning of my fiasco. It may have changed everything.
As it stands, I am doing it now and it's helping.
Remember, that when the advice is "work on yourself" that really means "think about yourself".
It is so very, very hard to think about anything other than the person you loved, thought you knew, who you worshipped and adored, and who you planned to spend the rest of your life with.
But today try to think about YOU. Just take a break from thinking about her and really just become yourself for a few minutes at a time. Then hours, then days.
It is a roller coaster, but keep coming back here and you will find help.

Phillycat posted 8/9/2013 06:22 AM

Man this is hard ! How does one get the strength to endure so much hurt ?

Blobette posted 8/9/2013 06:40 AM

Sometimes cliches are true: one day at a time. Remember, we've all been there. I remember days when I wanted to walk in front of a car, days when I literally thought my heart would give out. You will get through this.

bionicgal posted 8/9/2013 06:45 AM

One day at a time.
Reach out where you can.
Talk to a trusted friend, or family member,
Read -- start with Not Just Friends
Find a good therapist
Exercise. Some days it is the only respite I get.
And have faith. You've had one of the worst things that can happen to you happen, and you are still standing. Where there is crisis there is opportunity.

Peace to you.

sisoon posted 8/9/2013 13:26 PM


You've got the power you need. It's already in you. The 180 helps you find and strengthen it, and it helps you process your grief, anger, and fear.

There's a Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum - check it out.

Have you considered IC for yourself? That can help speed up your recovery.

myperfectlife posted 8/9/2013 15:56 PM

We are all stronger than we ever thought, including you.
You will get through this as a survivor.

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