Please Help with any advice or suggestions
If you expose the affair, I think you will humiliate her. If you want to rebuild your marriage, I would say don't do it.
Honestly, I think the finances are a distraction from R. It just seems sketchy that she needs space and wants you out of the house more (is second job). Blaming her A on your inability to get a second job? Um no.
*YOU* can't save this marriage, it takes two.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
8-10 months ago she decided to get her needs met elsewhere from another man. I recently discovered this affair and asked her to NC with this person and she has not done this. She has continued to lie about her contact with this person and I am wondering should I shine the light on the affair to close friends and family who have some influence in her life.
I think this will make the allure of the fantasy that she is living become a reality. snap her out of the Fog). I have told her that she cannot focus on herself to see if she wants the marriage or not as long as this other person is in her head. I have said that any decisions she makes needs to be done without OM being in the picture.
No she has not agreed to R or MC
She has said that should would seek IC..but her therapist isn't available until Sept.
Another issue I have is that she has no sense of urgency to seek therapy or R and I think it's due to the fact that she is still in contact with OM
I need the second income to begin to be able to do the special things she needs in order for our marriage to get better and the only way to keep this job is to have access to the car on the weekends.
Sorry for the rambling. hope I communicated this properly…I am not very good at writing...
To be honest...I know the answer is no I shouldn't expose..but I am desperate to save my marriage
[This message edited by Phillycat at 9:41 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]
Space when you know she is still deep in her A is most likely to turn into you sitting in a miserable limbo while she continues her A and sees how long she can treat you like this.
I dont know about exposing it to her family intentionally like that at this point. It can get tricky when people know, trust me. In my case I had 0 way around it if I wanted the truth bc his family was 100% necessary for me to collect info to discover the extent of the A and they realized that after he forbid all of us to discuss his and I's personal life and then his family realized its bc they housed any access to what he does during the day and when Im out of town (they live next door) and his phone records so he wanted me cut from knowledge so he could cake eat. It does not sound like that is the case with you, so I would talk with several people you trust and who will support you. Closest friends, family (if you think they could forgive her assuming you R like you want).
Take time to think and act, read in the healing library and take care of yourself.
You are accepting WAY too much blame for your wife's A. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. Your finances did not cause this. You not taking her out for fun things did not cause this. Your WW's broken thinking and messed up coping is the ONLY thing that caused this A. You could have been making millions and she would have found some other excuse. She had other options besides an A. That is what she chose to do. Stop taking the blame.
Honestly, given your circumstances, I would expose. Is the OM married? Have you told his W?
OM lives in another state….don't think he is married I searched and got a tons of info on him
Don't worry about the car issue. It's your car too. Don't fear action because you don't know the result. Act in your best interest and deal with the fallout.
Your W has been unhappy with your financial situation for 3 years? OK - that's possible - but she's not being honest. If she were honest, she'd have ended your M honestly before moving on. Instead, she chose to cheat. She deserves no sympathy at all, least of all from you.
Besides, where has she been for these last 3 years? Is she unaware of the state of the economy? Doesn't she understand that the vast, vast majority of us have had to cut back?
Besides, if her gripe is that you don't have any money to spend on her, I don't see any interpretation other than that her affection is for sale. That's a very shaky foundation for a long term relationship. I wonder why you want to be with her - and yet, you still want her.
Recognize this: You have no M to save. Your W has pulled out, and your M is dead. Despite reading here, you're still looking for a way to be with her even though she isn't willing to go NC and seems to have no remorse for what she's done.
Keep telling yourself this:
R takes 2, and until your W wants R, R is impossible for you.
There's no R unless the WS is remorseful. Your W is not remorseful, so R is impossible for you.
Please, read up on the 180, and adopt its tactics as your own. Start IC for yourself with a goal of finding, appreciating, and using your strengths in the workplace and in your relationships. Look into 'co-dependency' and see if it fits for you.
Please, out the A. Not because it's will guarantee R, but because it'll put your W more in touch with reality, and that's a service you can do her. Yes, she'll probably be very angry, but so what?
You say you pay the car payments, so you should have some right to the car. Besides, your M is over, so you don't need the 2nd job, 'cause you don't need to spend money on your W.... Of course, if your M is really as you describe, and if you do the 180, you'll probably want to save up $$ so you can file for D.
You can heal and thrive - if you find and use your many strengths.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:09 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
Is it too late to 180 ?
[This message edited by Phillycat at 1:41 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
Might read my post "do you have shame". It speaks to a pretty typical path many of us BS's take.
Best thing to do is let a WS get what they think they need, deserve, etc.
It hurts like hell. As a BS you will come to the truth that your WW effectively killed your marriage as you knew it....so don't operate under your previous assumptions...you are no longer in this "together".
This is why people report this as the single most traumatic experience of their life...and this comes from people who have been in concentration camps, been raped, and in active war zones.
God be with you.
Oh...and I have witnessed my wife's AP around town w another woman in a "compromising" position....and I bet his wife is working her butt off to make his nest at home so much better for him....see the problem here? It is not about you...it affects you...but it is not about you.
So my plan is to start 180
and hope like hell she reconsiders
I know what you all are saying WHY ?????
I love this women with every fiber in my body..
I do not want to separate of divorce..and so I am willing to endure all the pain in the world for her and our marriage
I know I have to get some self respect and Man Up..
Also during this time I hope that she seeks the IC...
NOT going to ask her about it tho..
Stay strong. You dont have to be the one that leaves the home if you dont want to be FYI. Maybe a trip to an attorney would be good. You can usually get a free or cheap consultation.
Peace to you.
You've got the power you need. It's already in you. The 180 helps you find and strengthen it, and it helps you process your grief, anger, and fear.
There's a Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum - check it out.
Have you considered IC for yourself? That can help speed up your recovery.