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Newest Member: afwife75 (45694)

User Topic: Counselling
1ost0ne
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are going to counseling for the first time today. I have never been in counseling and don't know what to expect. I feel like I'm going into a battle. I have taken small notes from time to time about my feelings and issues which I'm assuming will be helpful during this session.

Can someone help me understand what to expect and how to make the most out of this time?


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
ShedSomeLight
♀ 40212
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, take a deep breath. I think counseling is different for everyone and it depends upon the therapist. I think it is great to bring your notes with you. I am current in therapy as well as my significant other cheat on me. Just go in to the session with complete honesty. Get everything off of your chest and it is ok to cry. Therapy works great with total honesty. Trust me, an hour will seem like only 10 minutes. I will you luck. "hugs"

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
brainless twit
♀ 12085
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a former therapist. It's normal to feel anxious about going for the first time, but don't worry - the counselor will guide you through. (Actually I see this was a few hours ago so I may be chiming in too late.)

Most of the first few sessions will involve the counselor asking a lot of questions about each of you as individuals as well as yourselves as a couple. Some of them may be uncomfortable but it's important to be honest - s/he is only asking to get an idea of the best way to help you.

It's okay to curse. It's okay to cry. It's even okay to raise your voice (assuming you aren't completely out of control). Don't feel pressured to minimize any of your spouse's behaviors or the impact of those behaviors on your wellbeing - I can promise you that no matter what you've experienced, you won't shock the counselor. I could tell some crazy stories about the things I heard over the years...

Overall, just share what you feel comfortable sharing and let him/her lead you into the subjects s/he feels you should talk about. Sometimes a question may seem weird, but there's always a reason behind it. Counseling is one of the best ways to work through infidelity and I hope your appointment goes well - please check in with us afterward to let us know how it went!


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
ArableSands
♂ 39830
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, if you don't mind, would you share with us what you feel are the most common snags in marriage counselling that result in failures to rebuild or reconcile?

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
1ost0ne
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, thanks for the note. I was able to read it before my meeting and it helped.

Our session went well but I don't think there was much progress if at all. We got through the formalities, answered some questions about the relationship and set up individual and group sessions going forward.

He did explain the situation to my wife in an analogy that she broke my leg and I stepped on her toes. She might be a little wounded, but she should address the bigger issue she cause. I don't think it sunk in.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1....

It takes a few sessions of MC for it to start taking on a direction. In our first session our MC made my husband give a full account of the affair. Although what came out was a very minuscule version of what was the total affair, it did give us a direction to progress from.

I did not hold back in MC. As the BS of a 4+ year A, I had a lot to say. Our MC combined H's need to come clean with my need for understanding.

Our MC was also very instrumental in making sure, not just telling and hoping it sunk in, but really making sure my H knew exactly what damage his A had done to me and what I was now going through because of HIS emotional failings. At no time did II ever feel our MC was backing my H. He made it clear that no matter what was weak in our marriage or missing, NOTHING I did or didn't do was responsible for the A and my hubby's inappropriate actions.

I am blessed with a wonderful MC. Interestingly enough it was my hubby who chose who our MC was going to be. Best decision I made in the early foggy days.

I handled IC as a way of bringing the issues that arose in MC into focus for me personally. I dealt with my depression that had been present long before the A. I was able to see how our marriage had been struggling even if it looked healthily and strong from the outside. I was able to get my head around what I and what my hubby had not been doing to nurture our M.

Don't go into this thinking there needs to be a direction. And don't expect the MC/IC to give you the all important answers. They should be guiding you through this hell based on your situation and yours alone.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
standinghere
♂ 34689
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC managed to hit the right tone, to provide a safe place, to eventually get my wife to talk.

It took six months. Six months of lies, small disclosures, patience, working, and in a way teaching my wife to learn about herself and why she did the things she did.

Some parts were just fucking awful.

Then, a little over six months into it, we really started making headway.

We went to counseling for three years. I learned that my wife was really messed up emotionally, and kept it very well hidden but wanted very much to talk and couldn't because of fear.

It was damned hard work.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sparklezombie
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC is hard work. We started about 3 years ago, but never honestly committed to it. WH wasn't really committed to recovery (he thought he wouldn't need to cheat if only our marriage was better) and I was still rugsweeping and codependent. So I just wanted this all to go away. I also didn't really want to work on myself, though there are things that I should work on.

So another DD a few weeks ago and we are headed back to MC this week. My thoughts on it: Really put in the effort, do any homework they ask and spend time during the week talking about what you talked about in MC. We didn't do that , didn't really communicate well at all, and we're at another DD and I'm threatening to leave. It isn't a good situation to be in.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
1ost0ne
♂ 40202
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've had one group session and 1 IC each so far. I'm hoping to get some type of assessment this week from him on the course of action and where he thinks we are.

I've read a lot of posts in the last three weeks and it seems that a lot of people have had >1 year of MC. I don't think I have that kind of patience. If the WS I want to be with isn't committed to fixing this, why continue to crush myself? There can only be growth if the WS is working hard and remorseful and BS is committed.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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