I know there are some here that have lost children... My question is is there anything I can do for her. I feel so helpless. She does not want any visitors, said its still too difficult. Her church family is taking care of meals. I have sent a couple of cards to let her know I am thinking of her.
I am sure the answer is there really isn't anything else I can do for her other than just to keep reaching out and letting her know I care and there prob isn't anything else...
Was there anything that truly helped? My heart just breaks for her and her H.
Did you know her children?
Maybe write a letter saying how you want to share a couple of me memories of the 2 kids with her.
Maybe your first memory of them? Or a funny story?
Whilst she may not react now I think being able to read happy positive memories in the future may be of real comfort to her.
Also be there for her further down the front ... Now there is a probably a lot of support... 6 months on things may be quieter on the support front.
Also in the future do not be scared to mention them. Yes she may cry.... But the pain is worse when no one mentions the deceased person anymore.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
Continue to give her space while she requests it, and periodically reach out to her.
Remember ro reach out in 3 months, and after. Check in with her on anniversaries, etc... A lot of people reach out and send sympathy and then after a few months, the cards stop coming and the calls stop coming. People move on, and I think that's one of the hardest things- when others move on and your world is still at a stand-still. Keep remembering (for years) to reach out to your friend and let her know that you remember her kids and you are thinking of her.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Loving girlfriend of two years.
When my then SIL died 13 years ago, my ILs were so very touched to receive pictures of her that had been unknown to them before then.
And as everyone keeps saying, continue to reach out to let her know you are thinking about her, but be sure she knows that she does not need to reply unless and until she is ready to.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Tuesday, August 13th, will be the 30th anniversary of the accident.
I think the biggest issue we faced was that after a period of time people stopped talking about it and were uncomfortable if we brought it up.
There is a sense that after some time it goes away or gets better.
It doesn't. Time has changed things but it will never, ever be ok, it will never be over.
When I know of someone that has suffered through a tragedy I send cards out later because that's when the support stops. I will send a note, letting them know I know their pain is still there and I am always avaiable to listen.
I sent my friend a facebook message recently, her sister was killed a few years after mine.....so we are talking years. She thanked me and said it's nice to know the club we are in gets it...because so many people don't.
So be there down the road is my only advice. When all the obvious support has ended be a little reminder to her that you care and know it will never "be over" for her family.
Hugs to you too,
[This message edited by Kajem at 3:05 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by Kajem at 3:03 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
I did these things that she touched her. I made a tribute album to him. It was filled with things I will always remember about her son (From funny words he said wrong as a toddler to teen-stuff).
I wrote her a heartfilled note. It was painful to get through and many of tears on my end but she said she read it over and over and over.
I made sure she knew she could call me ANYTIME. I told her I didn't care if it was 3:00am....and she just needed someone to sit with her.
She has taken me up on it over the years. She called me one night at 2:00am and all she could think of was her pain and just wanted to run into a telephone pole and end it all (driving all night was her therapy). She progress through an alcohol-induced span of life, etc. I made sure she understood there is no correct way to grieve or no set timeline (many ppl told her that she was gone long enough and she should be moving on )
It was a very long road and I think she took every detour there was along the way. Just make sure your friend knows you are there no matter how long it takes....it could save her life.
PS - my friend kept all the cards she received and read them often. Even if she is not able to hear your thoughts/prayers today, she will in time.
I didn't know her kids well. Though we stayed in touch these last 30 years our families are separated by a few miles and our kids were quite a bit apart in ages. I will share things I remember from our relationship that may bring a smile to her face.
My heart is so heavy, I just cannot imagine their pain.
Right now your friend is a walking zombie. She is going through the motions, but will not even remember what she did.
I lost my adult daughter(31) a year ago. People brought pictures they had of her, a report she had done for a school project they were involved in. While I am not strong enough yet to really look at them. They do give me comfort. I also asked everyone to write down special memories of her that I might not know about.
On the anniversary of her death, I received a call from my ex SIL to check on me. Also got FB notes.
She will never be the same. If you can talk with her and let her cry later when other support is gone, I am sure she will appreciate it.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
The first few months your friend will have lots of people reaching out- but after that, the bulk of the support fades away. And that's when the grieving gets really lonely.
My parents did grief counseling together, but joined different support groups. I think it was a fabulous decision. Everyone grieves in different ways, and when you lose a child those different grieving processes can be a wedge between spouses.
Four or five years ago, my daughter's boyfriend was killed in a car accident. He was a teenager and an only child. We did not know what to do but I printed out this poem and sent it to his mother in a card. She loved it and gave it to the pastor to read at his service.
After the service, she called my daughter distraught because the pastor didn't give her back the poem (he probably wanted to be able to use it again). So my daughter and I made her a new copy with a photo of her son as background and framed it. Years later, family members of her still thank me when I run into them.
Here is the poem if you want to share it with your friend:
To all Parents
"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."
"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"
"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"
I'm so sorry for yours and her loss.