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Hard time hiding emotions from kids

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TS68 posted 8/8/2013 09:42 AM

I am on such a roller coaster not knowing what is really going on. My kids can sense it. They are 16, 13 and 7. Anyone else have this problem?
Wish all this happened during school year...

Ammare888 posted 8/8/2013 10:06 AM

Yes, I am having a hard time as well. I'm having a hard time focusing on him, on the fact that I'm a mom. I have a hard time not crying in front of him or getting angry with WH in front of him. I have managed to not yell at WH in front of him, but some of our conversations have probably not been appropriate.

roses303 posted 8/8/2013 10:10 AM

I don't think it is possible to hide what we're going through from the kids. I know my 2 (age 9 & 12) know something is going on. I don't think they understand any of the details ( although my 12 yr old from stuff he has overheard has clued into daddy having gone on a date with someone other than mommy).

We've sat them down and told them that daddy did something awful that really hurt mommy and that we are working through some things. This means at times we'll be angry and at times we'll be sad and at times we'll be really happy and that at all those times we are still a family and love them. I think it helped them to have a reason for the turmoil.

TS68 posted 8/8/2013 10:13 AM

Thanks for the reply, I am glad to know someone else is thinking of them. I would be the first to rugsweep if I thought it would be better for the kids. But have thought that maybe the lies are a hereditary trait and if I can get to the bottom of what my WH has done (still in the dark, only know enough to make me crazy and question everything) then I can choose to leave and attempt to break the cycle! Especially with my boys.

Josephine01 posted 8/8/2013 10:14 AM

My kids were 12 and 15 when I began really suspecting something was going on. You are right it is the hardest thing. They used to tell me that I cry over everything and ask why.

I remember being by myself washing dishes once without really realizing it I was crying the tears just rolling down my face. Then my oldest, who knows now, but not then, came in and said, "why does washing dishes make you so sad, you cry every time you do?". I would just tell him I was thinking about something sad.

It's hard finding space for yourself during something like this. It must be especially hard since you have a seven year old. My heart goes out to you.

I just read your first post, it seems like you are in the same situation I was in at that time. ALL I can say is (((HUGS))). I know how you feel.

plainpain posted 8/8/2013 10:23 AM

Our kids are 16, 11 and 7. We made the choice very early on to tell our kids. We knew it would be impossible to hide our emotions, and we didn't want them being confused or frightened by being in the dark. We made that choice largely because we realized how much damage had been done in our own relationship by hiding the truth. We hide the truth because we think the truth will hurt the other person. The truth does not hurt. Lies hurt.

We told them age appropriate, as much as possible. We did not give details of who, how long, etc. My husband basically said, 'Daddy was a liar. Daddy has been lying to all of you, but daddy doesn't lie anymore.' I told them, 'Daddy had a girlfriend. He knows he made a big, big mistake, and I am forgiving him. Mommy and Daddy will both be sad sometimes, but we are strong and we love each other and we are going to be ok.' Something like that.

Our kids have been very supportive - they all handled it extremely well, and have actually seemed to be healthier now that we know we can all just talk about how we feel about things. We are 99% of the time very respectful to one another - for that 1% of the time that we're not, we don't have to be in terror of accidentally traumatizing them.

plainpain posted 8/8/2013 10:32 AM

Just saw that you don't have all the full information yet yourself... I'm so sorry, that must be so very difficult. Yeah, I don't know what I would tell my kids in that circumstance. I do think that it isn't good for them to think that their mom is just an emotional wreck for no reason - but you don't want to put them in the middle of everything, either. That is so hard.

At the end of the day, I do believe that people, especially children, always handle truth better than half-truth or lies. Particularly if you are trying to break a cycle. The truth brings freedom. You don't have anything to be ashamed of. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

TS68 posted 8/8/2013 10:39 AM

You are all so helpful. I do not know what I would do without this site. Sincere hugs back to all of you!!!

Completelybroken posted 8/8/2013 10:42 AM

I'm not hiding it well at all. My DD is 4 and she asked me why mommy cries all the time. I just told her I am sad and that it is ok to cry when you are sad.

kickboxer posted 8/8/2013 10:50 AM

I completely relate to this. I feel like I'm lucky my kids survived those first few weeks...I felt like I couldn't take are of them. At one point, they were eating marshmallows for breakfast, because it's the best I could do.

The first week after DD, I managed to muddle through, but the second week, I had to call on people to help me. I'm blessed to have a few girlfriends who jumped into action...between the three of them, they took my kids for 3-4 days. One of them literally just dropped everything and came to get them. I should mention that my oldest has some special medical needs, and it's no small feat to take her for an entire day, much less several.

Last week, my WH took 2 days off to help me. Now we're in the 4th week, and school started yesterday. I feel like I could sleep for 48 hours straight, but my mind won't let me rest. The thoughts and emotions are always there...haunting me.

EchoLawrence posted 8/8/2013 18:33 PM

I know there's no cookie cutter solution to this problem, but I know from experience the devastating impact infidelity has on the entire family. I was around your kids' age (15) when my father cheated on my mother. They chose to keep it from all of us kids and deal with it 'privately'. I know now they were just trying to do what was best by hiding it, but at the time it caused a lot of tension and mistrust in the family. Children are hypersensitive to imbalance in the household. Unfortunately for my family, we all became very detached from one another, I felt like I didn't know or understand my parents at all, and to this day, I still don't feel that special bond that I always wanted.

I'm not saying keeping the A from your kids isn't the right thing to do in your case, but examine your options carefully. Openness and honesty are virtues that cultivate deep bonds, and the family bond is very delicate right now. It can be very easy to sew the seeds of resentment in kids. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you and your partner do it together with love.

[This message edited by EchoLawrence at 6:39 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/8/2013 18:53 PM

Couldn't hide it from my kids if I wanted to. My babies are 5 &8. It's tough. All I can do is reassure them that its not their fault and that we both love them very much. Breaks my heart.

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