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xso tying the knot this wknd

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strugglingmomi4 posted 8/8/2013 09:51 AM

We have been divorced 2 years, both moved on and happy in new relationships. XSO was my first REAL boyfriend since HS and we had 4 beautiful children together. We were together 11 years the year we separated. But to be completely honest, I find myself being a little upset by him getting married and I'm not 100% why. I had reached the point where I could no longer look at him for what he had done to me and I guess I am realizing that there was just so much hurt I couldn't get passed it. I was torn and completely shattered as a person from what he had done to me and our family. I guess over the the next 3 1/2 years after the affair I pushed him away. Never getting the healing I needed or the work on his part to heal our relationship and it made me cold.

Has anyone else been upset by their SO getting remarried? I guess in a way I am upset becuase I was robbed of our happiness and still to this day I cry at every wedding I attend. Because when seeing the pure joy on the bride and grooms face... alll of the love and laughter that surrounds it. The true "love" you see in there eyes... mine was all fake and shattered and turned out to be a huge lie.

Enough venting... just had to get my emotions out in writing..

lonelylost posted 8/8/2013 10:25 AM


I don't have any answers, but just wanted to say I hear you. I feel the same way, although my WXH hasn't remarried yet, it will tear me up when he does.

Newlease posted 8/8/2013 11:25 AM

I felt "weird" when my XWH got married. I was just feeling bad that he had seemingly "moved on" while I was still treading water.

His second marriage lasted less than one year. I am now referred to as the "good XW!"

Now the tables have turned. He's still a mess - always was, really - and I am having the time of my life! I actually spend some time feeling sorry for him.

Remember things are not always what they appear to be - just think what a prize this woman is getting. Someone who cheated, lied, and blew his family up.

As for weddings - I am so jaded I can't get teary-eyed over that "true love" thing. I just sit there thinking, "Yes, it's all rainbows and unicorns right now, but wait - there could be some lying and cheating in your future."

Sending strength and peace.


strugglingmomi4 posted 8/8/2013 11:28 AM

Newlease -

Thank you so much for that post... I needed that! I appreciate all of the kind words and advice. :)

gma56 posted 8/9/2013 13:15 PM

just think what a prize this woman is getting. Someone who cheated, lied, and blew his family up.

Exactly ! Chances are that he never changed or did the work on himself either.

Wish them well and grab the popcorn.

FT married with in a couple months after out D was final and now expecting a baby. He's 74 and she's 40. I have my popcorn not so much watching but knowing who they truely are. Some wine sounds better than popcorn.

[This message edited by gma56 at 1:18 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

damncutekitty posted 8/9/2013 16:29 PM

I haven't spoken to my XH in several years. I doubt I would hear if he got remarried.

SBB posted 8/9/2013 18:48 PM

The sad clown will partner up and remarry several times. Of that I am certain because a parasite always needs a host.

I will be upset when he remarries and I do think I will feel weird the first time. I will also be upset about how his relationship MO/pattern impacts my girls. He seems to have a 2-5 year cycle:
* falls desperately in luuurve with new host
* imposes new luurve on the girls ASAP
* the girls integrate new luurve into their lives - maybe they like them, maybe they learn to love them.
* mask starts to slip - drama ensues
* falls into depression - drink/drugs to numb the pain
* my girls get to witness a relationship and marriage blow again
* falls desperately in luuurve with new host and run through this list again.

Lather, rinse, repeat - my girls not only getting caught up in the ridiculousness that he calls his love life but also that he is modelling this dysfunction for them just like his own mother did for him.

I guess in a way I am upset becuase I was robbed of our happiness and still to this day I cry at every wedding I attend. Because when seeing the pure joy on the bride and grooms face... alll of the love and laughter that surrounds it. The true "love" you see in there eyes... mine was all fake and shattered and turned out to be a huge lie.

Gently, you and I now know we were never going to have those dreams whilst married to those guys. They won't have it with anyone else. It will all looks sparkly and shiny but we were in the Bell Jar once, remember? We know how this story goes.

No matter what he did and the lie he lived it doesn't negate what YOU felt, the M YOU were having, the work YOU put into achieving those goals.

What is to say you cannot have that happiness with someone else? What is to say you can't have all of that on your own, with great friends and family around.

I feel enveloped in love these days - my girls, friends, family, myself. I never felt that in my M. Yes I felt loved but not like this. I give love too - in great big overflowing bucketful's and freely.

I cry at weddings because I'm so happy for the bride and groom and it is such a joyful day. I also cry at weddings because I remember how full of hopes and dreams I was on my wedding day. I also remember how scared I was and how much I wanted to run.

I cry because I wish I had married the right guy. It sounds to me like you cry because you wish he WAS the right guy. It is only a small difference but an important one, IMO.

If you're still mourning his lost potential you're not focusing anywhere near enough on your own potential.

inconnu posted 8/9/2013 19:03 PM

Ex married OW earlier this year. Rumor has it that her insecurities had something to do with that. Yeah, because we all know that the two of them respect wedding vows soooo much, and being married means OW can be more secure.

It does not bother me that ex got married again. It does bother me that he didn't tell his kids until after the fact, though. I'm not surprised, but I hurt for my kids. They don't deserve to have such an ass for a dad.

Bluebird26 posted 8/10/2013 07:38 AM

My xwh remarried last weekend (to the OW). They eloped without telling anyone and then announced it on FB. That's how our children found out!

I was ok initially. I was angry for my kids to kept in the dark about it. Then a few days later I was really angry and upset, I think this was a combination of hurting for my kids, the realisation that that part of my life was truly over and the my own inner turmoil about him not doing anything right by our children. It's infuriating. Plus I was angry they got married in a church. I always wanted too, but he refused. I felt he robbed me of that, amongst other things. But I have to get on with my life now.

Mind you the week they are on their honeymoon, he has sent me a million angry emails. Those unicorns, rainbows and fairy dust must be wearing thin.

They will both get what they deserve. They are both married to cheaters now.

Dadtryingtocope posted 8/10/2013 08:17 AM

My D was final in March/April time. Less than a month later I heard my ex was engaged. I hear she is getting married in September. So in about a year after I filed, she will be married again. Does that sound rational - no way. Was I upset when I heard it - of course. We were together 15 years and married 11. So we worked on our relationship almost 4 years prior to being married - so we knew each other and were comfortable going into that part of our life. So to see her marry after a year is just crazy. I predict she will be married and divorced in less time than it took the two of us to get married. So yea I'm not happy about it, but it also won't end up being the "love and laughter" scenario you described. Plus remember, it's not my problem anymore. :)

tryingagain74 posted 8/10/2013 08:45 AM

I was upset because I didn't want the OW in my children's lives as a role model, since she's incapable of being one, and because I didn't like the example that would be shown to our children of how NOT to deal with long-term commitments. I don't want my kids to think of marriage as something that you just blithely shrug off like an old coat and then jump into quickly with someone new. My oldest frequently commented that he thought his father was moving too fast, so even he got the sense that it wasn't healthy or right.

Just remember that, although your relationship didn't last, and I understand that feeling of being robbed, anything else that your XSO pursues won't be real either. I think it hurts when you think that they're going to have that "pure joy" with someone else, but your XSO won't-- oh, on the surface it will look all happy and romantic, but over time, he won't be able to sustain that relationship either.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Kajem posted 8/10/2013 10:01 AM

My XH married OW less than 2+ weeks after our divorce was final. In less than 6 months he went from being married 18 years, separated, engaged, divorced, and onto remarried. That was 2003, they are still together.

Let me tell you what it looks like.... NW regularly drives by my house- I suspect she might be looking for her H. He is kept on a very short leash -not allowed to talk to me, his sister, his parents, or 2 of his 4kids without her being present. They don't care for her so he can't talk to them. He is NOT ALLOWED to see his grand daughter or her mama (DD). He accompanies her on most of her business trips, she accompanies him on ALL of his.

They can't trust one another and it reflects in their lifestyle. All of my kids see it for what it is, well all except the youngest. Her time is coming.

I wouldn't want the relationship they have. They created the circumstances, then created the marriage without taking the time to do the work.

His choices are not e reflection of you.



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